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While you are dating, you learn if your dating partner has the necessary
enduring qualities, and decide which personal preferences you would consider
negotiable. One of the benefits of online dating is that you can learn
a lot about someone by emailing each other. However, I strongly warn my
clients not to be "seduced" by their desired personal preferences
and thus ignore whether or not their dating partner has the enduring qualities
necessary for the relationship's success.
A good way of demonstrating these concepts in action is with the answer
given to the following question:
Q. I'm a guy in my mid thirties who has been dating seriously (the goal is
marriage) for three years. I'm also a successful attorney. Problem is,
when women find out what I do, they light up, as if I'm one big open wallet.
Their interest in other aspects of me then strikes me as pretty fake and
I sense they're primarily interested in what I can do for them materially.
I have considered lying about my success as a way of testing a woman's
true intentions, but dishonesty may not be the best way to start off what
could become serious. What else can I do to test a woman's true intentions?
A. It just so happens that
many men, and even financially successful women, are suspicious that the
people they date will focus on the lifestyle rewards of a relationship,
rather than on the emotional and intellectual benefits. This is one of
the reasons why prenuptial agreements have become so de rigueur these
days.
As I see it, it is while you are dating that you need to focus on asking
questions and observing behaviors to help you learn whether or not a woman
has the necessary enduring qualities. While she has the right to prefer
a man who is financially successful, you have the right to have personal
preferences too. For example, it may be very important to you that a woman
be physically fit, have a college degree, or have hobbies other than shopping.
It is entirely possible that a woman could be blind to seeing your flaws
if she only saw you as "one big open wallet." That's why I suggest
that you be honest with yourself first by acknowledging that your financial
success is part of who you are. It's understandable that you would want
a woman who appreciates all of your qualities, and you should, but not
because you manipulated the image that you presented in the beginning.
I say, be yourself, ask questions, listen to the answers, watch her behavior,
and stay focused on your task of uncovering her enduring qualities.
Alternatively, I have coached women who wanted to meet men who were interested
in more than just their good looks. One woman I worked with was tall,
slim, athletic, outgoing, confident and intelligent. Men were constantly
approaching her at various events, from business meetings to restaurants
while dining with friends. She complained that while attempting to hold
a conversation, her words went on deaf ears while their eyes wondered
up and down her body. Thinking it better to wear baggy and dowdy clothes
and downplay her beauty, she rejected that idea knowing that if she did,
it wouldn't be honest and she wouldn't feel good about herself.
She dated one man in particular with whom she connected on intellectual
and spiritual levels, and felt for awhile that the relationship was moving
forward. However, she became suspicious of his true interests when he
kept peppering their conversations with questions about her dress size,
her weight, her mother's pre- and post-pregnancy weights, and if she was
truly a blond.
It became clear, from listening to what he said and observing his behavior,
that he was focused less on her enduring qualities and more on his personal
preference of beauty.
Some of our personal preferences have deep psychological roots and are
hard to change. That makes focusing on another person's enduring qualities
that much more challenging. But it can be done--just keep asking questions,
listen carefully to the answers, and observe behavior. You'll learn a lot about your dating partners, and yourself.
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