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When a man is attracted to a woman, he is excited because he anticipates that he can make her happy. That in turn makes him feel good about himself and brings out the best in him. By anticipating more, his attraction increases, and he thus wants to have additional opportunities to pursue her and to spend time with her.
By doing things for a woman that make her feel special, a man, in turn, becomes more attractive to her. When a woman feels attracted to a man, she gets excited because she anticipates receiving what she needs, and being able to freely give back in return. According to John Grey (the guru behind the Mars-Venus paradigm of gender differences), the point of dating is for a man to do things for a woman to show his interest and caring, and for a woman to receive him and to discover how interested she is in him. These behaviors set the stage for love to develop between them.
Next, let's define "love." This definition comes from the book The Death of Cupid, which was written by two rabbis, and so it is laden with spiritual and historical references. They define love as "a deeply pleasurable emotion that grows out of identifying beauty, virtue and strength of character in another human being.:
Throughout history, mankind has deemed the heart as the center of love. But according to The Death of Cupid, notions of romantic love are unattainable fantasies. Therefore, to find one's mate, one must be able to look deeply into another person in order to fully experience his or her inner beauty. However, they concede that the power of attraction, with its emotional and chemical concomitants, can be blinding. How does that occur?
According to scientists, the chemistry that exists between two people who are attracted to each other is pure neuroscience. Love falls into three distinct states. First comes lust, then attraction, then finally attachment. It is the latter, attachment, which predominates in more enduring relationships.
Now here's the fun human chemistry lesson: The chemical basis of lust is governed by testosterone and estrogen. These are sex hormones! Consequently, if lust is allowed to rule without any consciousness, the end goal is ultimately and inevitably going to be sex.
The chemistry of the second phase, attraction, involves a group of neurotransmitters called monoamines. These are chemical cousins of amphetamines which stimulate the production of adrenaline in the body and can make us feel good and boost our sense of well-being. Another monoamine, phenylethylamine (PEA) is released into the bloodstream during attraction, also increasing one's heart rate and blood pressure. So it?s absolutely true that you can feel your heart racing when you?re attracted to someone!
The third state, "attachment" is governed by oxytocin and vasopressin. These chemicals are found in "nesting" animals and are, for example, essential for successful breast-feeding in (human) mothers.
So now you know what's happening inside that big bag of chemicals (otherwise known as your body) when the elusive chemistry hits. But are we nothing more than our chemical reactions? Is it all predetermined who and when we'll experience chemistry with another person, or do we have some say in the matter? Can consciousness and intellect play a role in attraction? (Do you really think I'm going to say "no?") Tune in next time to learn more about how to consciously direct your chemical reactions to create a healthier and more lasting relationship.
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