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Thank you for your valuable time and coaching...Thank you for helping me to believe, to stay focused and to have faith....
-- J[Click here to read more]
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Relationships with the opposite sex these days can be extremely complicated. How do you determine if someone is genuinely interested in you? Can a man and a woman be "just friends?" I've attempted to provide information and guidance to help relationship-oriented singles navigate their way around the opposite sex, as demonstrated by my answers to these questions. Q. I just broke up with a guy I had been dating for nine months. We got along well on many levels, but realized that we couldn't be "life partners." So much of the relationship was good, but the arguing made it bad. While I'm willing to give up the sex and the hope for a future together, I don't want to give up our friendship. We enjoy many of the same things and I would miss sharing them with him. Can't we be "just friends" while I search for the guy who will be "Mr. Right?" Allyson A. Maintaining a platonic relationship with someone you used to date is frequently the source of confusion and frustration. So much of your energy had been invested in this person, which makes severing only some of it very tricky. But if you really want to create a life partner relationship with someone who meets all of your needs, then I suggest it is best NOT to be friends with your ex.
Trying to maintain a friendship with someone with whom you had been physically intimate is especially challenging. That's because sex is like "superglue" -- it's easy to get stuck, but extremely difficult to get unstuck.
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Couples who have expressed their physical feelings with one another can easily succumb to the emotional triggers that sparked the intimacy to start with. I suggest that you sever yourself from this failed relationship completely. Doing so will free up all of your energies -- emotional, physical and intellectual -- and allow you to explore a new relationship?s potential. Avoiding a "friendship" with your ex will prevent him (and your residual feelings for him) from distracting you from attaining your goal of attaining as gratifying relationship with Mr. Right. Q. I recently met a guy at the gym. We both have been going for over a year, but only just *found* each other and began talking about two weeks ago. First just a minute of small talk, which expanded to on and off small talk each time we'd see each other (sometimes 2-3 times during the course of a workout). During the second week, we began to talk a lot more, usually between sets. He is always looking at me, and when I catch him, he looks away quickly, which makes me think that he likes me. One night we walked out together and talked for about 20 minutes by the locker rooms. The conversation seemed to go really well, but when there was a meaningful lull, I said, "Okay, well, I better go now" and he said, "If I don't see you tomorrow, have a good weekend." I know he was going away for the weekend, but still, I cannot imagine why he didn't ask me out or for my phone number. I have made it clear that I like him, touching him when we talk, smiling, looking at him, etc. A mutual friend told me he's not a player and takes it slowly with women because he's a bit nervous. I can't tell if he's interested in me as more than a friend, and don't know if I should ask him out. Can you help me with this? Tilly A. I wish that I could tell you that this man is interested in you as more than a friend, but I can't. All I have to go on is what you told me, and it does seem "promising." However, if this guy does indeed have fears, then you risk making it worse by being direct and asking him out. And truthfully, I believe that the "laws of nature" dictate that men need to pursue women (which I wrote about previously). So, rather than asking him out yourself, you should instead find ways to make it easier for him to get to know you outside of the gym, and see that you'd be responsive to being pursued. One time-tested idea is to invite him to a small party at your apartment with other, perhaps mutual, friends. Since you share an interest in being physically active, perhaps you could suggest some other exercise or sports-related activities that are done with a group, such as hiking, running or biking events that your gym, or other groups, might organize. I also suggest that you consider utilizing your mutual friend to find out what his interest and intentions are. I believe that a third party can be a valuable resource and ally. She can subtlety let him know of your interest, and find out if it is mutual. It may turn out that this man is not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you and would prefer to be "just friends." This is when you can model what that would look like. For example, you could say "Since my goal is to find a long-term, committed relationship, then I guess we'll only be seeing each other at the gym." And then you'll need to make sure that your conversations between sets are brief so that don't get distracted from attaining your goal of a fit body, and a committed relationship. Good luck!
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Posted by: Janice on Monday, June 06, 2005 - 03:00 PM
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Comments
Jun 07, 2005 - 10:37 AM
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Re: The Inside & Outside of Male-Female Friendships
I disagree with your response to the 2nd question Janice. Strongly disagree. You are falling into the same trap that millions of single women fall into ... making a blanket generalization creating a stereotype of a man based on some superficial indicators when in fact, you really don't know.
First, I don't see how the young lady could make it worse by asking him out. She will actually make it better because that way, she will find out one way or the other.
Secondly, I don't know what laws of nature you are talking about, but it is not unheard of for a woman to pursue a man and have it end up working out. This is 2005.
Your other suggestions on using a friend or a group are good ones.
There is also another option. If she is truly interested, she can play into her role as a woman. How? By dropping some subtle hints or showing subtle interest just beyond friendship ... but that still preserve her integrity. An example? During a discussion about a recent movie ... she says to him ... "gee, I'd really love to see that movie". Or during a discussion about a nearby restaurant, she can say "gee ... I love Italian food and I'd just love to try that place" or "I love Mexican food, but haven't gone because none of my friends do". There are countless other possibilities.
Janice ... there are all extremes with us men. Some have real problems and are painfully introverted or lack confidence. But others just need a push ... or an indication that there is interest in order to get us over the hump to ask someone out. You may turn out to be right, but please don't label this guy so prematurely.
L.
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EditorEsther
Jun 07, 2005 - 03:25 PM
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Re: The Inside & Outside of Male-Female Friendships
I have tons to say on this subject. But the first thing I want to say is that we all generalize; it's a human response that helps us feel like we are part of a group, psychologically easier than dealing with a personal rejection time after time. It's easier to say, "oh, all women are materialistic," or "men are scum" than it is to admit that it's not a chromosomal flaw if someone doesn't return your feelings.
First, I don't see how the young lady could make it worse by asking him out. She will actually make it better because that way, she will find out one way or the other.
You're right. But only until you're wrong. People operate differently. Some people would rather live in ambiguity, in a frustrated hope, than ask a direct question and have the resolution at the cost of a hopectomy.
Secondly, I don't know what laws of nature you are talking about, but it is not unheard of for a woman to pursue a man and have it end up working out. This is 2005.
Yes, and in 2005, I can tell you that there are many men (sorry, another generalization) who are ok in theory with a woman asking them out. But in the actual circumstance, they either "don't get it," or feel like their manhood has been slighted. It's not unheard of, but it is exceedingly rare.
I have a friend (one of the more dating-functional men I know) who happens to be very old-fashioned when it comes to this stuff. He claims that he'd have no problem with a woman asking him out, but that it's "never happened to him." I can tell you that this isn't true: it has happened, and he just chose to pretend it wasn't a date. So generally, men are clueless as soon as a "dating norm" is subverted.
And as for "subtle hints" to let a man know that we're interested? You boys just never catch our collective drift. Either cluelessness reigns supreme in ManLand, or you'd rather pretend it didn't happen. If neither of those is the case, then we must be off our subtle-hints-and-not-so-subtle-flirtations game.
Generally speaking, that is.
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EditorEsther
Jun 07, 2005 - 03:31 PM
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Re: The Inside & Outside of Male-Female Friendships
And one more comment...
Regarding the advice to invite the PLI (potential love interest) to a "group thing," that's certainly where the comfort zone is. But you always run the risk of losing that PLI to another guest at the party/dinner/soiree/thing you've invited him/her to. Plus, while an invite to one "group thing" might work, doing it a second or third time establishes a more platonic perimeter that, once constructed, is hard to breach.
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Jun 07, 2005 - 04:46 PM
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Re: The Inside & Outside of Male-Female Friendships
Esther,
But the bottom line is you are making assumptions about someone that you can't possibly know to be true? Why on earth would you want to do that? So this gal is better off leaving things alone and never knowing than to either drop some strong hints or even take the risk of asking him to have a quick bite after their workout? Yet the expectation is there for the man to make the approach?
Why take the cynical approach? Do you know the number of truly nice guys who would make great mates and husbands out there who just need a little push sometimes? Maybe he's just coming off a relationship or divorce and he feels a little more ambivalent than he should. Maybe he's just shy with people he doesn't know that well. Maybe he doesn't think or realize that she's interested! For gosh sakes, why not try to make something happen!
L.
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