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Working with you definitely helped me get to the bottom line of what I want in a relationship, which is consideration, respect & communication. You helped me choose, in a conscious way, a relationship that helps me grow. Thank you!
-- Mona[Click here to read more]
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  Do singles have questions about dating and relationships? They sure do! If you have a question about a relationship quandary, just go to the "Contact Us" page and ask!
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This is a Q&A that has received a lot of traffic since I first posted it. You can check out my original answer by clicking here. Here is a comment/question that was recently posted, which is also on the Message Board where you can express your opinion.
Q. So there's this guy that I like. But I don't know if he likes me back. We've been out twice but it's been like a group date and I'm not the one who's asked him, it's been my guy friend cause I'm kinda shy. He asks me a lot of questions when we are alone but we were with the group he kind of strays off. What do you think? My friend says that the guy's interested but I'm not for sure please please I need some advice.
It would be important to know your age, because that would help in answering your question. For many teenagers and young people in their 20's, group dates are quite common and a normal part of socializing. Dating in this way, however, is not usually a direct route to creating a life partner relationship. Your biggest "handicap" in this situation is that you're "kinda shy." If this means that you avoid being direct and rely on other people to communicate with the guy instead, then he may only be responding in kind. I.e., he won't be direct with you either.
I would suggest a couple of things --
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Posted by: Janice
on Friday, October 21, 2005
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Determining if your dating partner is ready, willing and able to engage in building a long-term relationship frequently requires more work than what many singles expect. Here is a question I recently received reflecting this dilemma.
Q. How can I tell if my boyfriend is serious about me? There's this guy I've been seeing for more than a year. He says he's too busy and has personal problems, so he can't commit right now. We have a sexual relationship and I know I treat him better than anyone he?s ever been with. So should I wait for him, hoping that he will love me and be committed to me? I don't know what is going on with him, or how he feels about me. What should I do? Carolyn
A. This is a question I often get from singles who are dating someone they care about, yet wonder if the other person shares their interest in having a future together. One man told me that although he and the woman he was dating had been exclusive for over a year, she still hesitated referring to him as her ?boyfriend.? A woman confided that while she knew the man she met online had strong feelings for her, there were long stretches of time when he was not in contact and unavailable. Both were confused about what their dating partner?s behaviors would portend for their relationship?s future. So Carolyn, know that you?re not alone!
These types of situations can actually be avoided if singles were to screen out potential dates who aren't looking for a relationship with a life partner. That means being sure of the kind of relationship you want before you even start dating.
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Posted by: Janice
on Wednesday, July 20, 2005
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 Hi Janice -- I recently met a man that I like very much. We've only gone out on 2 dates, but I see it having a lot of potential for a future. In the meantime, someone who I respect a lot wants to introduce me to another man who sounds really great. What do I do? AliciaDear Alicia -- Deciding to become exclusive can be difficult, but not so difficult if you have some guidelines. Usually, dating more than one person at a time runs the risk that your emotional energy and attention will get diffused between the two people. Since you are in the process of determining if someone can meet your emotional needs, as well as your intellectual, spiritual and physical needs, I suggest that singles understand that they need to give their dating partners all of their attention. That being said, as I see it, there are two ways that you can decide whether or not to go out with more than one person at a time: 1. You feel very strongly, usually on a gut level, that you know and like the person you're dating that you don't want to get distracted by dating anyone else. This is a perfectly legitimate reason to refuse being introduced to someone new, which can be handled by telling your friend, "I'm busy right now, but please don't forget about the match! I'll let you know if and when I become available." 2. Alternatively, you should, usually between the 3rd and 5th date, be able to broach the subject of becoming exclusive with your dating partner.
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Posted by: Janice
on Sunday, April 17, 2005
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Q. I began dating a man whose wife passed away 3 1/2 years ago. He has only dated one woman since his wife's death and just recently stated he was ready to really date. We met 2 months ago and then began an email correspondence, as this was more comfortable for him than talking on the phone. We eventually had 7 dates. The problem is that he will get close to me and then pull away. For example, he invited me to his home twice but then called and cancelled. Right now, he is quite distant. He has told me before that he needs time. I give him that but as soon as we go on a date it takes him forever to correspond with me. So I will initiate the next contact and he says he is grateful that I took the initiative. I'm confused -- how long do I wait and how do I bring up this
problem? He seems very interested in me and I know he needs his space but how do I support him if he doesn't talk with me? I don't know how to help him. Jeanne A. Jeanne -- John Gray talks about how men occasionally need to "go into their caves" in his "Women are From Venus and Men are From Mars" books. This behavior is different than that of women who prefer to talk with others about their needs and feelings. You're obviously confused about this man's intentions because he's giving you mixed signals - "come close, I like it when you initiate," and "go away, give me space, you're getting too close." I suggest that you have a conversation with this man, which you could conduct over email if you fear he'll freak out.
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Posted by: Janice
on Monday, March 28, 2005
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Hi Janice, I'm looking for help with my 12 year relationship. We're having issues with my family, particularly the spouse of a cousin of mine. I'm from a small family but very close with this cousin. My significant other (we live together in my house) does not like my cousin's spouse, because he feels he's rude and disrespectful to him. He's never discussed his feelings with this person, but makes it known, to me, that he doesn't want him to visit. On the other hand, I have opened my home, arms, heart, etc. to my partner's two school age children, his mother, siblings, etc., making it very comfortable for them. How can we resolve this? Valerie Valerie, Putting up with difficult relatives is one of those things that should have been taught in Relationship School. Oh, there isn't a Relationship School? Oh well. Nonetheless, the amount of effort that it takes to deal with relatives differs from family to family, with each individual having different tolerance level.
I suggest that you have a conversation with your significant other to let him know your feelings about this situation. One of the first techniques taught in Relationship School (oops, I forgot!) is how to give someone negative feedback or bad news. It's called "giving a sandwich." A sandwich is made up of two pieces of bread with some kind of filling between them, right? So you start out the conversation by giving him a positive, then a negative, and then a positive. Here's an sample of how to do it:
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Posted by: Janice
on Tuesday, December 14, 2004
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Hi Janice, I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for just over a year. He is divorced after a 20 year marriage that went horribly awry (he lost absolutely everything and only gets to see his kids twice a year as they live in a different country). I recently moved in with him and let's just say we've had quite the period of adjustment...read: I moved into his cave and he's getting territorial, among other things. Sometimes he says he's not sure he wants to even be in a relationship, then he cries, changes his mind, and asks me not to leave. Is he really conflicted or is he holding onto me until someone else he's really into comes along? I myself am unsure if we are compatible. He says that he's "like a pilot light -- I never go out" thinking he's still a 20-year old party boy! Please help me. I think we truly love one another, and we both want to make it work, we just have a few hurdles in front of us and I'm not ready to give up! Thank you! Kelley
Dear Kelley, While you may or may not be compatible with your boyfriend, the real concern is if both of you are truly ready to be in, and take on the responsibility of, an exclusive committed relationship. ConsciousDating.org has a Relationship Readiness Quiz that might be helpful. In the meantime, I have a few additional insights and suggestions that I hope will be helpful for you.
Recovering from a break-up, such as a divorce (obviously), requires going through a process of grieving and mourning. Each person has to find their way to accepting the new reality of being apart, after dreaming, hoping and living about being together. The grieving and mourning process takes time, and is preferably accomplished alone. You can read what I wrote about break-ups in a previous Q&A.
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Posted by: Janice
on Friday, November 19, 2004
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Dear Janice, My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and living together for 3. The first two years of our relationship was great, yet I began to notice how critical and judgmental his whole family could be. I was initially very well liked by everyone, becoming especially close to one of his aunts (who is only two years older than me). However, this aunt and I had a falling out over birthday plans for a family member and, in the end, I was blamed for the whole mess. I responded by distancing myself from her which, looking back, was wrong. Now, two years later, she has spread rumors about me to the family so terrible that I am totally excluded from any family get-together, birthdays, holidays, etc. My boyfriend celebrated a birthday recently, and his mother had a get-together for the whole family. I assumed that I was excluded as I did not receive an invitation, yet my boyfriend went alone after concocting an argument with me over a trivial matter. While he acts like nothing's wrong, he later admitted that if I had attended then everyone would have left. I feel that this is a dead-end for any type of relationship for us. Any ideas? Fay Dear Fay, It appears that you already know the answer to Question #3 of "TheTop Ten Questions to Ask a Potential Life Partner" -- How important are family and children? Family life and involvement ARE important to your boyfriend and, based on the scenario you described, it appears to be a higher priority than being in a healthy relationship with you.
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Posted by: Janice
on Friday, November 05, 2004
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