Sun, 22 Nov 2009 14:30:34 -0500 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/ DoctorLoveCoach.com en-us http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/images/logo.gif http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/ jdbphd@verizon.net http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article295.html It’s not uncommon for singles to ask, “What’s your sign?” when meeting someone new. Depending on the extent of their belief in astrology, knowing someone’s astrological sign can aid in making assumptions or conclusions about someone’s personality, character, and consequently, their potential compatibility. But there are other signs that singles pay attention to while dating, ones that are not so obvious. These are the signs singles wear on their shirts that communicate valuable information about their personalities, their attitudes about themselves and others and, especially, announces their willingness to be approached and to connect with. Cindy was encouraged by a married friend to go to a weekly religious service where she heard many singles attended. The married friend offered to accompany her to ease the way, intending to introduce Cindy to people to get her started. It was customary for the singles to socialize over refreshments after services, and while Cindy and her married friend moved about the room, Cindy walked with her head down, took little steps, and hardly broke a smile. When she encountered or was introduced to someone new, she spoke softly and hesitatingly. Soon after getting something to eat, Cindy asked to leave.If Cindy could see it, she would recognize the sign she was wearing on her shirt said, “I’m scared. Don’t come near me.” Jack met Julie on an online dating website, noting they had attended from the same ivy league school. After a few emails, they graduated to talking on the phone. Since Jack was soon to leave on a business trip, he asked Julie to meet in person the next day, even though Julie preferred to talk more on the phone beforehand. Jack dismissed Julie’s hesitation, and she reluctantly agreed to meet Jack for a drink. They instantly recognized each other from their pictures and Jack ordered a bottle of wine for the two of them to share. He then began a monologue about his knowledge of the wine they were drinking, the physical therapy he was receiving for his recent shoulder injury from playing softball, and his bad experiences meeting women from the website.If Jack could see it, he would recognize the sign he was wearing on his shirt said, “I’m more interested in myself than in you. You don’t matter.” Sun, 22 Nov 2009 14:30:34 -0500 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article292.html "If you believe that women and men can’t just be friends, these experts have some wisdom to share that might just change your mind. Read on to see whether that best friend is really a threat — and when to relax." Click here to read: But She's My Best Friend!. Mon, 09 Nov 2009 14:31:38 -0500 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article294.html Our First Lady, Michelle Obama, was interviewed by Katie Couric of CBS News and was asked a question about dating submitted by a 26 year old "young professional woman." She wanted to know how to pick out a guy as great as she did in picking Barack. Click here to hear what she had to say: Michelle's Dating Advice. Wed, 04 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article293.html Dear Janice, I just wanted to write to let you know that I've been seeing A. for two years now. We have a really good, solid relationship and I would like to thank you. Without your help writing the Match.com profile, using your *One Minute Quiz,* and most importantly our talks, I don't think I would be at this point. We are very happy together! A. is a very loyal, bright, honest, generous, person and though now it is obvious he's not perfect, I know the important stuff is there. He has a very nice, normal family who are loving and laugh a lot. . . . So thank you and I hope you enjoyed the good news! M.Yes M., I'm so happy for you! I remember you were extremely frustrated in your search for a life partner relationship, and you were very receptive to working on yourself in order to be a better person, and therefore a better partner. And it worked! Congrats and keep me informed! Tue, 20 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article291.html The guy you're dating tends to be a little less than punctual. The woman you're seeing isn't the neatest when it comes to her pocketbook, or her apartment. And it bothers you. A lot. So what do you do about it? You do what you've always done in your relationships -- you break up. But if eventually realize that you're rejecting too many dating partners because of some "little things" you don't like about them, and get accused of being "too picky," then I suggest you reconsider. Because what bothers you about them, might really be about you. Sure, you say you have to be with someone who values punctuality as much as you do because you've worked so hard on it. And all of those little piles of papers and magazines in your apartment? Well, you've developed an intricate system that keeps them from growing any bigger. So how could you be with someone who doesn't make these same things as much of a priority? The truth is, everyone has limitations that have to be dealt with. We manage our "inner slob" by working hard to keep clutter at bay and maintaining our organization strategies. We control our "inner grouch" by not showing our irritation when confronted with inattentive waiters or careless drivers. So why does it make someone else "rejectable" if they aren't as on top of their own inner slob or inner grouch as you? I believe that the problem is actually about the acceptance and tolerance of one's own imperfections and limitations. That's right. I say "one's own" because that's what this is really about -- not accepting your own inner slob or grouch to the extent that it's actually okay for someone else to be messy or grouchy. Rejecting someone on the basis of these little things is especially harmful when the person you're dating is actually a kind, considerate, generous, honest, and trustworthy person. And you're rejecting him because he gets impatient with a slow cashier? Or ending the relationship because she's always losing her keys? Sun, 04 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article290.html I spent a long time this summer speaking and emailing with the writer, Elise, about "dating dealbreakers," which somehow turned into this article on "How to Date Your Opposite." It's subtitled, Negotiating Conflicts, which I think is a better way of referring to "opposites" or dealbreakers. But anyway . . . A tremendous amount of my interview was cut and I only made one quote, which is practically at the end of the article. So read it thoroughly and post some pithy comment about how insightful and helpful I was! Click here: How to Date Your Opposite. Mon, 21 Sep 2009 18:29:38 -0400 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article289.html When I talk with singles, whether it's about their online dating profiles, their current relationship or any of the other decisions they need to make while dating, I inevitably need to know the answer to this question: What kind of relationship do you want?" I then break it down like this: Do you want a "playmate," a "companion" or a "life partner?" The answer to this question then helps to guides us to determine how to best attain the kind of relationship my client desires. What do I mean by these distinctions? Wanting a "playmate" is another way of saying that someone only wants to date for "recreational reasons." For example, if it's a man I'm working with, and he tells me that he is not interested in a commitment, then I know he is only in the relationship for gratification in the present. In this situation, singles looking for a playmate will typically stay in the relationship as long as it's fun. Once it gets complicated or someone is unhappy, they are out the door. Wanting a "companion" is a step up from having a "playmate." Sun, 20 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article288.html Basically, the answer is "no." Here's how I came to that conclusion:I read a “tweet” on Twitter the other day stating “Unconditional love is given by dogs & sought by children. Adults get what they get.” I was immediately prompted to “tweet” back, “Love is never unconditional. It should always be conditioned on respect, caring, loyalty, & making sure you get it back in return.”When I talk with singles who are frustrated in their search for a committed relationship, the demand for “unconditional love” frequently comes up. “All I want is for her to love me as I am,” a 40-year-old single man recently told me. So while I believe everyone certainly deserves to be loved, I believe it unreasonable to expect that another adult will love you without any conditions. That’s because the creation of an intimate adult relationship requires both parties to understand and adapt to each other’s differences.As I responded to the question “Isn't there someone out there who'll love and accept me unconditionally?" in my article on the Law of Attraction, I say "Yes, and that would be your mother." Or, as the “tweeter” above observed, unconditional love is given by dogs and sought by children. Thu, 10 Sep 2009 23:49:32 -0400 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article287.html Hi Janice, I'm so confused by the guy I'm with. He moved to my city on business 9 months ago. We had a friendly dinner and just clicked. Needless to say, his 6 month job became a 6 month renedevous for us. We never spoke of committing to each other bc we knew it was short term. Once he moved I thought the calling and contact would dwindle, but the opposite happened. He started calling more and asking me repeatedly when I was coming for a visit. So I got a ticket and visited him a few months after he left. My question is, could be possibly want a long distance relationship? He hasn't brought up exclusivity, or a commitment, and in his defense I haven't either. I think he should bring it up, but is it true that a man will never bring that kind of stuff up. He's so confusing... I know he's into me, but I'm unclear to how into me he is. When I went to see him we had an AMAZING time, he made me breakfast every day, I met a family member and some friends, we spent every day enjoying one another. I'm so confused. I suppose I could just ask, but for some reason I'm afraid to... is that weird? KristineDear Kristine, At this point, is honestly looks like the two of you are having a long distance relationship. The question is, is this the kind of relationship you want, regardless of geography? Because if you're afraid of talking about your feelings and your goals together, then how DO you define your relationship? No wonder you're confused! Apparently, you are following some "rules." You say, "I think he should bring it up." But if he isn't, then what do you think that's telling you? However, you say "a man will never bring that kind of stuff up," which I hear as another rule. Unfortunately, I'm not so sure I agree with either of them. Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article286.html Hello Dr. Janice, I have been in a relationship with a man for approximately 10 months now, and would like to know if it's worth committing to him long term. He is a detective & works long varied hours. He likes his work, but I find his time very limited when it comes to spending quality alone time with me. We love each other & our kids get along wonderfully (we're both separated). He has said he is in the relationship for long term, but I'm not convinced. I'm just curious as to the advice you can offer us. Thanks, MollyDear Molly, Your situation is not so uncommon these days with so many people working long hours. Many are doing so in order to keep their jobs in this economy, so deciding to work less is often a difficult decision. It's understandable that you would be concerned about his ability to be more committed to you and your relationship if he continues to work "long varied hours." This is not an easy question to answer, but I do think I can provide some insight that will be helpful to you.First of all, it's important that you let him know that you respect him and his work ethic. I have heard men complain that women don't truly understand their drive to be successful and ultimately, financially secure. And on top of feeling misunderstood, they also tend to feel unappreciated. So I suggest you let your boyfriend know that you love him, and that you appreciate all that he is doing to support his family. Sun, 02 Aug 2009 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article285.html Janice. I really would like to know how to deal with 'best friends' things. I'm a boy and I have a girl friend. We first met at senior high school. She already had a boyfriend, but we got along just fine. Her boyfriend was too over-protective, and she said she's happy if she can play with her friends too, not just boyfriend. At this time, I thought I gave her company, help, everything as much as she wanted. We became quite close. Still, I didn't have the intention on taking her from her boyfriend. When she broke up, I kinda get this thought of 'become her boyfriend', but I held it up because I think she's still hurt, and nah, why would I want to be her boyfriend. After some time, I really developed a feeling for her, out of pity maybe. When I thought she would be available, she already went with another boy. She did told me that she never been single that long. I got jealous, and been cold to her. And I didn't really talk to her, and that made her mad. We later reconciled but it felt like something changed between us. What should I do? I honestly really like her. Dale Hi Dale, I think that the situation you describe is confusing because of your fears, not because this girl is giving you mixed messages. Basically, you have to decide if you want to be her friend, and be forever in the "friend zone," or if you want to be more romantically involved. Instead, what you're doing is being her friend out of default. This is what can happen when you aren't proactive and don't control of your own life. Sat, 18 Jul 2009 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article284.html Choosing a life partner requires that you be a good detective. Although chemistry and attraction contribute to a relationship's foundation, singles should be sure to investigate mutual interests, values, experience, habits, priorities and life goals. Here are ten questions designed to help you gather important information to identify a potential life partner: 1. What do you want out of life?Knowing what your dating partner's goals are in life helps you to determine if they are ones that you can share. More important, asking this question helps to open up communication about what really matters to each of you, and what you ultimately want to accomplish in your lives.2. How important is your job or career?Since levels of ambition vary among people, be sure that you are compatible enough in this area to support your partner's energy and drive to attain his/her financial goals.3. How important are family and children?People can vary a great deal in their desire to be involved with their families. Welcoming children in one's life also lets you know, regardless of age, the desire to create and nurture one's own family environment.4. Are you spiritually or religiously affiliated? Do you participate in religious practices and rituals?Belief in a higher power, and one's devotion to it, can be a central focus in the lives of many people. Be sure that you and your dating partner share enough of an interest and investment in religious practices, so that this major area becomes a source of joy and pleasure in your relationship, not one of burden and resentment. Tue, 07 Jul 2009 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article283.html If you had initially met someone in person prior to becoming geographically separated, then you would have some foundation from which to build your relationship by staying in contact virtually -- by this I mean by email, text and phone. However, if you instead met someone online first, then you need to be aware of the potential that by only dating virtually, i.e., via the internet and telephone only, you risk developing a "pseudo-intimacy." This can lead to a situation where you set yourself up for a lot of unnecessary heartache. So here are a couple of tips to help you get the most out of virtual dating prior to meeting in person. After exchanging a few emails to determine if you want to pursue the relationship, I suggest that you graduate to talking on the telephone pretty quickly. This can easily be accomplished by suggesting, "Hey, communicating this way seems to be going well. How about if we graduate to talking on the phone?" Then, after a few phone calls (not 1 or 2 dozen!), if you feel the relationship is progressing, it's important that you discuss and plan meeting in person. Unfortuantely, some times this may take longer than you'd like. The problem of continuing a virtual-only relationship is because if you haven't met in person, it's difficult to know if the chemistry you think you feel has any basis in reality. After all, you really only have a picture and voice to go on! Unfortunately, the internet and the telephone lend themselves to create environments where it is easier to let down your defenses, and say things without knowing how your message "lands" on another person. Wed, 01 Jul 2009 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article282.html Dear Janice, I don't know where to start. I travel a lot for business, but when I was on a job I meet this woman and we hit it off. But then I had to go to my next job, but we stayed in touch. When we first met she was single, but when I came back to her town to do another job I looked her up, we hung out and had a lot of fun getting to know each other more. She told me that she had to move back in with her EX. We still see each other whenever I'm in town but she tells me that she want to leave him but can't because she does not have anywhere to go. She tells me that she loves me and yes I do love her too. I just don't know what I should do. Should I gave up on her or not? MichaelHi Michael, The situation you are in with this woman is not as complicated as you may think. Basically, she is going out with you while still living with another man. I don't think it matters what she tells you about not having any other place to go. She's not truly available to be in a different relationship, i.e., with you, while she is still dependent on this other man. Sat, 20 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article281.html Janice, I just just started talking again to a guy I stopped dating four years ago. The reason we stopped talking is that I lived at home and I was not allowed to date. After that we both went our ways but still kept in touch. Last week we started taking online and he brought up the fact that he still liked me and wanted to know if I felt the same. Apperently he tried to ask me out several times in the past year and I thought he was trying to just hang out and be friends so I dismissed the clues. Anyways, our date last week went great and the one last night did too. He made dinner and we were supposed to watch a movie but instead spend hours just talking about us and past memories together, and cuddling. We kissed a lot. Afterwards he dropped me off at my apt. and came inside and we talked and cuddled and kissed til morning (there was no sex). We talked about future plans and where we saw each other. He plans on going to the armed forces and asked me if we could start dating and if I would go with him. He made sure to add that he wanted to travel and have kids, and always seemed to consider my opinions and said that he would always make sure that he it was a mutual decision. Yes, he made it clear, it was plans between us. But I'm confused why he made all these comments if this was just our second date in years. We are constantly texting and talking to each other and have a group date for friday. Anyways, I'm overwhelmed. I've been cheated on and lied to before and divorced once. I've had the biggest crush on this guy for the longest time. He has so many of the qualities of my ideal man and wants the same things I want. I'm scared that I've met another cheater/deceiver and he is just telling me to fish for answers that I want. How do I keep my feet on the ground ? Please Help!!! -Liz Dear Liz, Reconnecting with a past love or crush can be both pleasurable and challenging. Pleasurable because your dreams and hopes may finally be coming to fruition, but challenging because you want to be realistic. For you, there's the added element of being hurt in the past, so I can understand why you are being extra cautious. Being extra cautious doesn't mean, however, that you become paranoid, which I am afraid you are tending to do. So I'd like to direct you to find ways to manage your fears and stay in reality with this guy so that you can make good choices.. Tue, 02 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article280.html Me and my boyfriend have dated for about almost 5 years now. (We are both 21) Yes, we do fight here and there like other couples, but lately the problem of his mom has changed our relationship. From my perspective, she is the worst mother there ever was. Not only did she not put food on the table, she did not clean the house, didn't remember his birthday, and wasn't financially reliable to perform the duties of billing. In this matter, I DO NOT understand her actions and thoughts and this dislike soon became hatred after a while. Although she was always VERY dependent, after my boyfriend's dad passed away, it got EVEN WORSE. To the extent where, she would complain that we shouldn't keep the door open when we sleep because she was coughing and no one woke up to get her water. After a while, I couldnt stand her and moved out hoping that ignoring her would help solve the problem, but it didnt. You might think I am crazy but when I see her or hear her voice, my head would boil in anger. I am not making my boyfriend choose but he just says things like "I love you but I cant do anything about it, just get over it. Let's just please drop it" Only if it was that easy, I would, but I can't help but be angry with anything associated with her. At first I thought I was jealous, but I realized, it's more the fact that I believe even though she is his mom, her lack of love, support, and education toward him doesn't win her the attention she demands. (To explain, my own mother passed away when I was 6 so I do not understand the bond. But I feel like if I always had a cake for my birthday, which his mom never provided, then it's better off without one that continuously disappoints.) I REALLY dont know what to do. But I am tired of her sighing when me and my boyfriend goes out, in a way making us feel guilty that we aren't home with her. I have raised this issue with him to let him know that if this does lead to marriage, we are moving to another state, where we can only visit her once or twice a year, and he was ok with it. But who am I kidding? He will probably miss her and blame me for not being able to see his mom, or if he tries to send her money in the future, my head would boil again. My boyfriend convinces me that "everything will be ok, we will move out and not have to deal with her" but who are we kidding? Marrying him is marrying his mom also. And obviously his mom isn't going to change, and he can't do anything about it, so unless I accept her, I can't find any other solutions. Please help! XenaDear Xena, From the description of your situation, I can very much understand the frustration and angry feelings that you are experiencing. You are also astute enough to realize that your boyfriend's mother is unlikely to change, so the challenge of making peace with the situation is yours. I suggest that you start by recognizing how your boyfriend is not angry with his mother for who she is or what she did (or didn't) do for him as his mother. He does not hold any grudges, which I say is admirable. I'd also have you note that he understands your feelings and your position also, even if he himself doesn't share them. This makes it all the more clearer that dealing with his mother is actually your issue, and not his. Sat, 23 May 2009 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article279.html Hi Janice! My dilemma might sound common for a young adult like me, but I still need some reassurance on this problem that I'm having. I've known this one guy for almost a year now and I'm really attracted and interested in him. He's really my type - smart, funny,independent. And we always have great conversations together. He never fails to make me laugh and the best thing is that we have a lot in common. With that, I've gained more interest in him everytime we talk. I met him in college and he was on a foreign exchange students program. However, he has gone back to his country now. And God I miss him terribly. I always wait anxiously online, hoping that he would come online so we could talk! Sometimes I feel that he likes me too because he is very nice, in fact, he is the sweetest man I've ever met in my life. But, maybe it was just me. I don't know. The day before he left, I thought I wanted to tell him my feelings for him but I was afraid that it would end badly and I would feel guilty for the rest of my life. Sometimes I wish I told him so that I would feel relief! We are still in contact now, thank God! He told me he would come back to my country in few years time because of work. I really hope he will. I still have feelings for him, though he is a million miles away from me. He has no idea how I feel. So the question is, should I tell him how I feel about him through online or would that be just too pathetic? Honestly, I really don't mind long distance relationship, just as long I know we are in a relationship. I really like this guy. I don't think I will meet a guy as sweet as he is anytime soon. It's been 5 months since he's gone, and I still have feelings for him. I don't know if I can ever be over him :( I miss him! LindaDear Linda, The most significant thing I hear from your question is the regret you feel for not telling this man your feelings when he was in this country. Regretting a missed opportunity is painful because you're always wondering "what if?" But it's 5 months later and you wonder what you should do because you feel the same now as you did back then. I think that in order to answer your question about whether or not to tell him your feelings, you have to identify the result you want to attain.You mentioned that you miss him. Would sharing your feelings with him help you to be in the same country any faster? You also mention that you wouldn't mind being in a long-distance relationship "as long as I know we are in a relationship." Is that really the kind of relationship that you want -- being far away, not knowing what he's doing each and every day or when you'd see each other again? And waht if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, even after you tell him how you feel? Then what? Wed, 20 May 2009 22:47:55 -0400 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article277.html Dear Janice, I accompanied my father to consult with a surgeon because he needed surgery. During the initial visit he acted like a typical surgeon, aloof etc., but during the pre-op visit I noticed that he would just stare and stare at me and smile. I found myself returning the same. The surgery is over and I sent him a bouquet to thank him, and he called to thank me for the bouquet. We speak and flirt and I ask him if we can go out, and he says "asbsolutely that should be lots of fun, however we have to wait till I am finished treating your dad." I say fine. We see each other evey two months and we stare, smile and even take the appts as opportunities to get to know each other better. He gave me his cell number, but I have not called because I get the implicit feeling it's for when treatment is over which will be in June. My question is--will I have to call him to ask him out again or will he remember? There is an age difference of about 15 years however we are equally educated and I am extremely successful so I think it should be ok. What are your thoughts? Lonni Dear Lonni, This question is a good example of how singles can meet each other in the most normal, real situations that we encounter on a daily basis. While your relationship is "developing" in its own organic way, I do have some reactions and thoughts.The first thing you need to find out is if he is indeed single. While you know him professionally, you may not know if he is truly in the market for a relationship, or if he is interested in being friends and just taking you up on your offer to go out to lunch. Once you've cleared that up (that he's interested in more than just gonig out for a "thank-you" meal), then I don't see the age difference as being a problem, unless you find out that you really don't have much in common. So you have to ask questions and listen to the answers in order to determine if you share some of the same interests, values and life goals. And, of course, make sure he has the essential qualities of honesty, loyalty, generosity and caring. Fri, 27 Mar 2009 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article275.html hi Janice. I dated this girl for over 2 years. We broke up and since then I havent been the same. I need her in my life. She says she's not emotionally ready for a relationship with anyone and that she lost that connection she once had with me. We have been friends since, but it's really for hard for me because I know guys at her work are hitting on her constantly. She promises me when she's ready for a relationship she will give me a chance. What can i do to speed up the process? She means the world to me! what can i do to get that connection back? Thank u so much for your help! Richard I am merely going to direct you to listen to what she's telling you! Psychological research indicates that the best way to predict someone's behavior is by listening to what they say. If she says she's not ready, then she's not ready. If she promises that she'll give you the first chance when she's ready, then you have to give her the time she needs.Thinking that you can "speed up the process" is counter-productive to what she knows she needs to accomplish in order to be ready for the kind of relationship (most likely with you) that she wants. Worrying about losing her to other guys who are "hitting on her" therefore does not sound likely. . . . . Tue, 03 Feb 2009 18:23:45 -0500 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article276.html Hi, I met a guy online. We talked online since October. He asked me for my phone number and he called me. He wanted to meet me. We live about 100 miles away from each other. I got a job offer in the town he lives in. I was planning on moving there on Feb.1. I am excited about the job and about being in the same town as him. We went on 2 dates in his town- once at a coffee shop and the other dinner. We really hit it off. We talked on the phone all thru the holidays. I thought everything was going well. He stopped responding to my emails and phone calls right after New Years. I know that he went to a New Years Ball. I thought he met someone else there. He finally sent me an email that said that he met someone but wants to be friends with me. I decided to read Janis Spindel's book about dating and realized - I probably should have kissed him on either of the 2 dates and that he may not know that I am really into him. I don't know how to tell him without coming across as pushy now. I know your advice would probably be to move on. But I am 36 and finally found what I thought was the one- I am just very picky. I would love to salvage what we had. He has only known the other girl 2 weeks. Please give me a strategy to try before this relationship unravels. Thanks I appreciate your help. I have good news and bad news to tell you about your "relationship" with this man. The bad news is that he's currently in another relationship and has put you in "the friend zone". . .for now. The good news is that you will be living in the same town, which can provide you with the potential to get together and get a current reading on how he feels. At this time, your "strategy" should be to find a way to let him know that you've moved to his town and that you'd like to re-connect, as friends.I agree with you that you have to avoid coming across as "pushy," so I suggest that you invite him to a house-warming party, where there will be other people. This would demonstrate to him that you respect his decision about not pursuing you in a romantic way. I think this is probably the best way to let him know that you're still interested in having him in your life, yet it would be up to him to decide to attend, or not. Thu, 22 Jan 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article274.html Hi Janice, I've been dating my finacee for almost 5 years and am generally very happy. However, he's very absentminded about cleaning up after himself around the house -- for example, he forgets to put the dog food away after he feeds it, doesn't replace toilet paper he finishes, leaves dirty plates out and pieces of food in the sink, or leaves the bathroom a mess after he shaves (hair all over the sink / floor). When I try to address these issues with him he says he feels like I'm a nag. I want him to be comfortable to live in his own home, but I also feel resentful that he can't clean up after himself in a basic manner. He also says he feels like he does do stuff around the house that I just don't notice and he doesn't feel the need to tell me when he does something like take out the trash. Not that I don't believe him, but I've never seen him take out the trash. I try to talk to him about this in a proactive way, and he'll come back at me at say something like, " I wish I was perfect too but I can't change who I am." Is there any middle ground? Am I being unreasonable? I'm just not able to feel relaxed in a dirty home, and don't know what else I can do to try and get him to change his behavior. I tell myself that b/c he's a great guy I shouldn't mind cleaning up extra (better than a cheater!), but even so it still bugs me. Any advice would be REALLY appreciated since things are not getting any better on this front. Thanks! Ali Hi Ali, I'm assuming from your letter that you are engaged and living together, right? When you made the decision to live together, did you have any conversations about how each of you wanted the home you would share to run? Did you share what was important to both of you and how you each would be in charge of certain household needs? From the tone of your letter, or shall I say -- from the tone of frustration that I get from your letter -- I don't think that you had any kind of meaningful discussions to see where you agree, and where you disagree, on how your shared home should run, and look. Consequently, you are living in chaos. Chaos results from a lack of planning and, especially, not identifying the goals you share for living together before getting married. Tue, 30 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article272.html Dear Dr. Bennett, I am a 49 year-old single woman who has never been married. Last month, I began dating a widower whose spouse passed away a little over two years ago. From the beginning, Mr. B told me that he didn't want a committed relationship, just to date. He also conveyed that he knew he didn't want to get married again and felt that he couldn't love again. He was with his wife over thirty years. We talk on the phone each day for hours and see each other when we can. We have actually developed a friendship, but I am confused because he sometimes talks about meeting my family. And , in other instances, he feels he could love again. There is a shrine of his wife in one room and pictures of her throughout the house. And, he still wears his wedding band which bothers me when we go out in the public. This is my first time "dating" a man. I am usually in a one on one committed relationship. I really like Mr. B. but I feel a need to have a wall up and not allow myself to have feelings. He is a really nice guy, but he is still grieving. I understand this, but I am not sure if this is healthy for me. Please advise. I want to hang in there, but I don't want to date him for 3 years and still nothing develops. Please advise. Thanks, Jean Dear Jean, Given that women generally out-live men, it's no surprise that widowers are prime targets for older single women looking for a committed relationship. Social research has shown that men who had been happily married before are more likely marry again. I say this as a preface to my response in order to help you understand why Mr. B. says he thinks he "can love again" -- he's done it before and knows he can do it again. The million dollar question though is, "when?" The big issue, as you stated, comes down to timing.I suggest that you read previous Q's&A's How soon to date a widower? and How can I be patient with a widower? to get started. But needless to say, my best advice is to listen to what he says. If he said that he "didn't want a committed relationship, just to date," then you have to take him at his word. That's because psychological literature has found that the best way to predict someone's behavior is by listening to what they say. But this may be difficult for you, given the brief tidbits you told me about yourself. Sun, 21 Dec 2008 22:00:00 -0500 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article273.html I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and we are truly best friends. We spend a lot of time together and enjoy the same hobbies and have the same goals. I would describe our relationship as loving and kind toward each other. I took your quiz to evaluate a soulmate [which can be obtained by requesting it here] and on every area: intellectual, emotional, spiritual I felt we are at 10 (very compatible). But here comes the dilemma: I don't feel (and hadn't felt even when I met him) that sexual spark or whatever you would call it. I'm guessing that people call it chemistry. I do find him attractive. I feel fine kissing and hugging him but to be honest, I never have the fantasy or strong desire sexually. It's not a turnoff to be with him, I just don't feel passion (as it takes a little effort). You can say the spark isn't there. Now I know you're probably thinking, we shouldn't be together. And I understand it's not fair to him but I wonder if there's any possibility that anyone's been in this situation and feelings have changed? I'm sad to think we would have to give up a relationship as it so hard to find such a good, caring man and so compatible. However, I do miss that sexual passion. I admit I wanted the relationship to work so badly I may have convinced myself it's OK to give someone a chance even though the spark isn't exactly strong. I know the solution probably seems obvious but I would love some feedback. Thank you. S. I would suggest that you start by reading my previous article What is *Settling for Less*?" because I address how the decision to stay in a relationship requires negotiation and compromise . . . to a degree. So while a single (a woman in the article and in your case) may determine that a man is kind, generous and loyal, and very compatible, the experience of chemistry often trumps them all. That's because I see compromising on chemistry mostly as a function of a woman's self-esteem. What do I mean by this? Mon, 10 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article271.html My girlfriend and I have been dating for just over 6 months. Everything was GREAT, extremely soothing, easy, and giving ... comfortable, then she changed, literally, overnight. We've both ended hard divorces, and she dated a total scumbag, cheating the entire time, for 2 yrs. She went from wanting to marry me tomorrow, to "commitment issues". Earlier, 2 months ago we commited to "whatever it takes" ... I am totally confused. Andrew It's difficult to tell from your letter the actual timing of all that has happened in this relationship. When were those 2 years that she dated the "total scumbag?" Before or after she dated you for 6 months? When did she actually say she wanted to marry you? And what happened two months ago that triggered the "whatever it takes" decision? It's highly likely that I'm just as confused as you! The fact that this woman is sending mixed signals tells you that she is confused not just about you, but about herself. She appears to have some unresolved issues that are being played out in her relationship choices. Why else would she allow herself to be with "a total scumbag?" Wed, 29 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.focusedcoachingservices.com/Article270.html I need your help-- I have been dating a guy for 2-1/2 years. He is 6 years younger than me and is still married. i filed for a divorce two years ago and am still waiting for my divorce to be final. He tells me he loves me and that we are going to be together in a year but his wife is a gold digger. She is just keeping him for his money. When he doesn't pay attention to her she cries or goes to the ER . I'm not sure what I should do. I love him very much and he tells me he doesn't want to loose me as a friend. Please help --I don't know what to do. Karen Whoa! There's lots of drama in your boyfriend's allegedly defunct relationship that keeps him from making a full commitment to you. Basically, he's the only one who can break himself free of her. There's not much that anyone else can do to help him unles he's made it clear to his ex, both by what he says and how he behaves, that her antics aren't going to win him back.Since you're also waiting for your divorce to become final, it may be best not to expect much right now, either from yourself or from him. Both of you have to heal first before moving on to a new relationship. Wed, 10 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0400