A Book of Answers to *Why Aren't You Married?*

"Why Aren't U Married? The Inconclusive, but Thought Provoking, Answers of a Suspected 'Confirmed Bachelor'," is the latest book in the tradition of "let's help singles so that they don?t have to be single anymore.? It was written by a man going by the name of ?E. Nuff,? who had had enough experiences answering the question, ?why aren?t you married?? to feel compelled to write a book. The book is designed to help single men answer that question, as well as to acquire the right mindset to get themselves married.

E. Nuff first has to educate his readers of the two types of people who dare ask ?why aren?t you married?? Know however, that he considers anyone asking to be a ?yenta.? Asker #1 is a ?caring asker? with a ?sincere interest in your life. . . who feels you deserve to be happy and in love with someone special.? Asker #2 is a ?suspicious asker? who asks ?why aren?t you married? as a verdict on your psychological status, i.e., you must not be normal because you?re not married yet.

E. Nuff has strong beliefs about dating and marrying. He realizes that the actual answer to the question ?why aren?t you married?? is ?derived from a complicated recipe of our entire life experience ? parents, family, education, religion, career, past romances, relationships, friendships, etc.? He is obviously not a shrink, nor does he pretend to be. But he has some astute observations and insights as to why men don?t marry, especially men who have been dating for 10 or more years who claim that they really are looking for a wife.

For example, E. Nuff describes the problem of playing ?ring around the smorgasbord,? where men experience having ?too much to choose from.? His description of learning to choose one and sticking to it without being distracted by another pretty face reminds me of the television show ?The Bachelor,? where every single one of the 25 pre-selected women was gorgeous, and the Bachelor had to spend time getting to know each one of them from the inside.

Consistent with this problem of abundance, E. Nuff notes that men tend to believe that ?time stands still? ? they don?t realize that ?the joys in life are maximized by sharing your life experiences.? Consequently, men don?t take enough time dating someone before making a judgment about a woman?s potential to be a spouse.

As a relationship coach working with singles looking to get married, I agree with E. Nuff?s conclusion that ?haphazard dating? (believing there will always be other beautiful women to consider, and more than enough time in which to consider them) is ?dating without consciousness.? Benefiting from his own 20/20 hindsight vision, he notes how this is detrimental to successfully finding a wife. He therefore recommends that men know why they?re dating and whom they?re dating so as not to lose any more time by dating ?haphazardly.?

Unfortunately, E. Nuff doesn?t give any more specific advice about consciously dating than this. The rest of the book is a testament of E. Nuff?s experiences as a ?suspected? confirmed bachelor, with the intent that other single men can benefit from his experience and his labors.

I wish that E. Nuff had addressed some of the deeper reasons why singles don?t marry, such as fear of intimacy, fear of losing one?s independence, fear of rejection, and fear of failure. This lack of psychological awareness won?t help a single man wanting to marry to date any more consciously than he is already. As a result, some of the ?answers? that E. Nuff gives to the question ?why aren?t you married?? -- such as my job isn?t cool enough, I?m not yet rich, women are too successful these days to want to settle down -- while quite entertaining, end up sounding pretty superficial.

The good news is that by the epilogue of the book, E. Nuff reports that he meets the woman he ultimately marries. However, I wish he had demonstrated how he utilized the lessons or insights that he learned to in order to succeed. He just says that he forced himself to go to yet another singles weekend where he mentioned to someone that he was interested in dating her and he was thus given her number, and things just flowed. The reader misses out on E. Nuff?s account of how he consciously negotiated his long list of qualities of the ?right girl? to eventually choose this particular one.

This is confusing, especially in light of chapter 6 where E. Nuff acknowledged that all of the qualities, characteristics and attributes of the woman he wanted could never really in actuality be met. The title of the chapter ?Settling? That?s for the Other Guy!? indicates that he recognizes, as do I, that the people who suggest singles are too picky and have to ?settle? are assuming an ?I know you better than you do? attitude. Knowing that the two types of askers believe they know better should alert singles to just relax and continue dating on their own terms.

E. Nuff admits that ?you never know a person until you?re married and living with him or her.? With the insight and recommendations he provides, I like that E. Nuff emphasizes the need for singles to trust their instincts about who to continue dating or not, and to recognize that ?everything will hopefully work out in the end the way it was meant and supposed to.? Overall, this is an entertaining book filled with stories and examples portraying the life of one frustrated single man. It also contains many cute cartoons and drawings that depict some of the dating dilemmas described. It?s a fun read that?ll give you an ?insider?s? look at what singles, especially men, go through as they navigate their way to finding a fulfilling and loving life partner relationship.