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Post subject: He's not ready to get married
 Posted: May 04, 2006 - 05:05 PM
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Joined: May 04, 2006
Posts: 1
Status: Offline
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hi,
i've been dating my bf for 3 1/2 yrs. we were friends before that for years but he didn't live in the same state. throughout our relationship he always has had a problem with the next level of commitment but each time he's come through.
he sublets an apartment with barely any of his own belongings (for 3 1/2yrs). for the past 2 yrs we've spent every night tog. mostly at my place. 8 months ago he set a wedding date with me after i had given him 6 months to either talk about a future or i would have to move on. after we set the date he announced it to his family. but each time it came up btwn us he said he needed time to "make it his own". he did not officially propose and he would not talk about planning anything. he would either start to argue with me if it came up or shut down.
he's been suffering from depression for over a year now. crying alot when he gets upset and generally just being in a funk. we are on a "Break" now. i told him that if he can not come to me with anything on the table. ie this is the timeframe i need than i will not stay with him. we've been to couple's counselling (2 terrible experiences for 3-5months each). and he's been to his own therapist. none of them directly dealt with his fear of commitment.
he told me again last night on the phone after not seeing or speaking with each other in 10days that he is not ready.
we are both in our early 30's. in the past he told me clearly that i am the only one he's ever wanted to marry and he's never had this connection with anyone else. to be honest i feel the same way but after all of this time i am tired of having a relationshp where we can not plan our future. it feels empty.
will this guy ever be ready? is my best bet to leave him completely and see if he can step up? |
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Janice
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Post subject: Re: He's not ready to get married
Posted: May 07, 2006 - 03:12 AM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 274
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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I have said on numerous occasions that psychological research indicates that the best way to predict someone's behavior is by listening to what he says. So if you had actually been listening, you would have heard your boyfriend say, over the course of many years, that he is not able to be in a committed, exclusive relationship.
You have lots of evidence -- "each time it [marriage] came up btwn us he said he needed time to 'make it his own'." After not seeing one another for 10 days he told you that "he is not ready." I'm sure that if you had been listening more carefully over the 3-1/2 years you've been together that he's made many similar statements representing his inability to move forward and create a permanent relationship.
Because I don't know him, I can't tell you why he's unable to make a commitment or say if he's ever going to "step up." If he has a history of depression, then it's possible that he may not have the capacity to see the positive aspects of a situation, and just focus instead on the negative. I'm sorry that you didn't get any resolution in couples therapy. I know of a few excellent couples therapists in NYC & LA and believe that with the right match and motivation, couples can find healthy ways to resolve conflicts.
But I have to commend you on doing what you've been doing -- letting him know what your boundaries and limitations are on this issue. You have been clear and consistent in telling him what your relationship needs and requirements are -- which are to work towards building a committed future together, rather than stay in a "for now" companionship. Having a "deep connection" with someone doesn't always translate into a committed relationship, which is what I addressed in Love Is A Big Deal, Parts 1 & 2.
If you are tired of "having a relationship where we can not plan our future. . . it feels empty," then I suggest that you let him go. Go out and search for someone who is ready to accept and appreciate all that you have to give, and can give you what you need in return. |
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