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Welcome to the Doctor Love Coach Message Boards!
I invite you to join me and and other members in discussions of just about anything related to dating and relationships.
This is a place for everyone to share, so please respect each other and enjoy!
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niclaws
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Post subject: afraid of confusing a bad relationship with a maturing one
 Posted: Mar 08, 2010 - 12:53 AM
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Joined: Mar 08, 2010
Posts: 2
Status: Offline
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Hello everyone, Janice.
My name is, well, let's call me William. I am a 24 year old college student. I have been going out for a year and a half with my current girlfriend, who is 20 herself.. It started well... it started well I suppose, we kissed and we actually grew to love each other. she tells me she loves me, but I have been feeling a bit different over the past few months.
as time went by, I kept since november 2008, discovering new aspects of her personality. at first most stuff I found charming. or tolerated it, I am a very patient person. but it has been more than a year and I come to start questioning whether our relationship is actually something that has any future.
To make it clear, I shall describe my personality the best I can, and the describe what has come to disturb me. I am a calm person. I try to be polite and respectful the best I can. I was attracted to Cleo at first because she seemed to be like me, social but quiet, polite and respectful. she was very much so. she is very much so.
However, she comes from a traditional family, where this a paradoxal constant try to be the "ideal" family, but also where the father drinks, and where the parents resort to violence regularly to deal with family matters. ( her brother and her get a regular slap beating depending on the situation). This has influenced cleo's personality to the point where when she gets angry, absolutely nothing can stop her from being angry, she acts like a diva and the rest of the world is boligated to just sit there and take it. Using the word diva comes to mind also because she has a very storng tendency to act pedant and arrogant, I feel belittled on a constant basis, but we still have some good moments, which results in my hesitations.
Furthermore, most of cleos friends have left for a semester abroad. I have thought of breaking up with her disappears when I think of the fact that she would be terribly lonely if I were to break up with her now. the tought of her suffering like that, or mostly having noone to talk to if I were to break up with her, really well is a disincentive.
To give you an example, the event that triggered my looking for help was the fact that I went out with friends last night, and most people were actually there with boyfriend/girlfriend. Which of course triggered my thinking of my own girlfriend, thought that I relayed to her tonight when on the phone, I described my thought by saying that , when I saw other people in couple, I thought " wow I wish she were here". My describing a thought about her without naming ehre made her angry and the conversation was over.
these anger fits, her view on violence ( her brothers latest beating was just considered to be absolutely normal parent/kid interaction in her opinion), my feeling belittled, oh and her tendency to be very late at every single appointment she was with others ( which I see as a lack of respect for me as much as for the rest of the world) led me to posting here. I hope to find an answer in your answers. thank you. |
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niclaws
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Post subject: RE: afraid of confusing a bad relationship with a maturing o
Posted: Mar 08, 2010 - 12:57 AM
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Joined: Mar 08, 2010
Posts: 2
Status: Offline
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| about my mentioning a maturing relationship... well I thought about this and seemed to think, from my analysis, that this could be simply things that need my tolerance. I still have good moments with cleo. but I have as many bad moments. the balance between the former and the latter seems to shift a lot. I don't know. ... |
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Janice
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Post subject:
Posted: Apr 04, 2010 - 09:37 PM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 276
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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The fact that you are willing to bend-over-backwards to stay with Cleo tells me that you are most likely a man without any relationship needs or requirements. In other words, you are willing to take what you can get. The alternative would be to say what you want and need in a relationship, then determine if the girls you date meet those requirements.
Some basic requirements would be that the person you are with has enough basic maturity to know how to manage their angry feelings. Instead, I'm hearing that Cleo feels entitled to have tantrums and expects others to tolerate them. If you do tolerate them, then that communicates to her that her way of handling (or really, NOT handling, her anger) is okay with you. This is what I mean by you "bending over-backwards."
If something that your girlfriend does is NOT okay with you, like how she gets easily enraged, in addition to how she is consistently late, but you put up with it anyway, then you are getting what you deserve. However, if you think you deserve better, then the only way you are going to get it is to communicate your needs to your girlfriend. Let her know the effects of her behavior on you. If something is unacceptable, like lateness, then you have to "walk the talk." In other words, show her that there are consequences to her behaviors, such as you not wanting to be around her very much, which would, most likely, make her lonely. The loneliness would not be YOUR responsibility to fix, but HERS, by way of adjusting her behaviors around people she wants to be with.
I don't know how to help you other than to point out how you are unclear about what you want, and may not have the strength to ask for it. If that's the case, then indeed, you have made your own bed and you have to lie in it. Alternatively, you can take a stand and see if she's mature enough, and loves you enough, to give you what you need so that you two can stay together. Good luck! |
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