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Welcome to the Doctor Love Coach Message Boards!
I invite you to join me and and other members in discussions of just about anything related to dating and relationships.
This is a place for everyone to share, so please respect each other and enjoy!
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psych17
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Post subject: He hurts me, then tells me I'm the One...
 Posted: Mar 01, 2010 - 08:41 PM
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Joined: Mar 01, 2010
Posts: 2
Status: Offline
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I started dating a semi-coworker in May 2008. For the first two months we were together he said that he had just gotten out of a one year relationship and wasn’t ready to move on to another. So, we just hung out, had great conversation and talked to each other at least three times a week. In July ‘08, he wanted to officially date since he was falling for me and didn’t want me to date anyone else. For the next two months it was great! We spent a lot of time together, my friends and family loved him, and his friends and family loved me and said that he has never dated anyone like me before. He later found out his ex-girlfriend immediately got engaged after their breakup, and that really bothered him. He told me that after two months of officially dating he wanted to be alone, and needed to figure out what he wanted. I later found out that he had his dating profile plastered on Yahoo, and Match.com. His title on these websites was “looking for true love.” All he was looking for on the Internet was what we had together. Of course he completely denied ever looking on the Internet for a date. In January ’09 he started calling/texting/emailing me daily…sometimes a few times a day.
Even after a year-and-a-half after he first broke up with me, we have gotten back together about seven times just so that a couple months later he breaks my heart again. When he wants to get back together, he tells me how he doesn’t want to date anyone else and he wants to have a healthy relationship with me. Then he starts to distance himself after a couple of months, and then he says that he can’t commit to me, and that he was still so hurt over his breakup almost two years ago. Eight months ago, after we broke up about the seventh time (he still was texting me daily until January ‘10), I started dating another guy who treats me like a princess. My family and friends love him and I see a future with him. I have fallen in love with my new boyfriend, but the ex for the past seven months has been begging me to take him back. He’s showered me with flowers, candy, songs, and he’s been crying just wanting me to get back into a relationship with him. I’ve told him “no” that he’s hurt me countless times and that I can’t get back together only to have him breakup with me again later. He’s told me that he’s finally realized that I’m the “One,” and thinks that if we get back together in a year or two we could be married. This is a man who has been engaged three times (all to different women), who has never been married or has even lived with another woman. Even after how much my ex has hurt me, I still think about him almost daily and I can’t get him out of my head. Now on facebook, through mutual friends, I see pictures of him and his new girlfriend he’s been dating since Jan ’10, and it makes me so angry to see him happy. I just want him to be alone since he can’t commit to anyone but himself. I know he’s no good, but I fell for him hard, and all I do is feel sad and angry about our past together. I just don’t understand why or how he could do this to me. How could he tell me that I was the “One” after a year-and-a half, and then all of a sudden meet some new girl he met on the Internet? I need some sound advice and guidance to help me heal. |
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psych17
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Post subject:
Posted: Mar 01, 2010 - 08:52 PM
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Joined: Mar 01, 2010
Posts: 2
Status: Offline
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| FYI, he's 40 years old as well... |
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Janice
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Post subject:
Posted: Mar 04, 2010 - 11:34 PM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 276
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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This is a sad case of not really learning from your past mistakes. You allowed yourself to be emotionally manipulated by your "ex-boyfriend" while you were together with him, while you were "on a break," and then now that you've moved on. His perpetual confusion will continue to mess with your head and break your heart ONLY IF YOU ALLOW IT TO.
Your ex-boyfriend has allegedly moved on and it sounds as though you have to. He would not be with someone else if you had taken him back those last times he asked. So the current outcome is one that you helped create! Why would you want to be with a man who didn't care about how his ambivalent behavior was hurtful and painful to you.
It's like that Carrie Underwood song, "Before He Cheats" -- "I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl. Cause the next time that he cheats, oh you know it won't be on me."
If you are having trouble curbing your revenge fantasies by focusing on the boyfriend you have now, then I suggest you speak with a professional psychotherapist. If you can't find one in your city, then please send me an email and I'll try to make a referral. Good luck! |
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