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Your coaching helped me to see that I had a healthy partnership with the man I was dating, enhanced by our good communication. And so we got engaged!
-- S.L.[Click here to read more]
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Welcome to the Doctor Love Coach Message Boards!
I invite you to join me and and other members in discussions of just about anything related to dating and relationships.
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TapostropheSAMI_PIXL
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Post subject: I don't know what to do any more
 Posted: Feb 18, 2010 - 02:42 AM
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Joined: Feb 18, 2010
Posts: 1
Status: Offline
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Hi, I'm really new here so I don't really know how this whole thing works, but I just needed some good advice. It seems juvenile, but something just compelled me to seek some help.
Alright, so here is my confusing story. I hope it makes sense.
I was dating this guy for the longest time. We got together, really jumped into the relationship, and he was deployed for a year. I stayed with him the entire time, and loved him no matter what. Every time he came home, it was the most amazing feeling ever. I was head over heals for this guy. We were even talking about getting married. Well, the fateful day came where he came home from his deployment. Everything was going well. He got an apartment and everything seemed fine. Well, he started getting into financial trouble and started partying way too much. Needless to say, it spiraled downward and we broke up after a year and seven months of dating. The break up was terrible. I was devastated and he made every bad move possible. I stopped talking to him and he didn't want to pull his head out of his butt to see what he was doing. So, I started looking for some forms of comfort, just talking to friends.
I started talking to this guy who I have known for about four years now. His name is Alex. Alex went to the same school I do (though he graduated five years ago and I'm graduating this year.) and was a major part of the JROTC program just like I am. He led his program his senior year, and I am leading it now. So, he would talk to me in the past, being a mentor, trying to help me. I was so thankful for him. I haven't seen him in two years, but we still talked. Well, when my ex and I broke up, we started talking more. Things started going great. A mutual understanding came forth that we both had feelings for one another. We texted all the time. From the moment when I woke up, to when I went to bed we talked. He would call me pet names like Baby Girl and such. It was amazing. We had intimate nights over the phone, and things were going really well. One day, he told me that he was going to stop smoking, so obviously he is going to be a little stressed. Things were going well, though he told me, because he was so stressed, he just didn't want to stay up as late talking on the phone, like we did every night having intimate conversations. Things stayed like this for a while. Then he went on vacation to a place where he didn't get signal. It was a weekend trip. I didn't talk to him for about four days and was getting really worried. When he got back into town, I thought he would text me, but he didn't. I texted him and he had gotten in, I don't know how long ago. He then told me he was stressed out because he wasn't going to be getting much work lately (he works in construction). Now he doesn't text as often, he isn't as "mushy" as he used to be and we haven't had an intimate phone call in weeks. He is still sweet and mushy some times, and texts every now and then, but not as often. I would send him pictures of me and he would respond to all of them, now, not so much any more. I don't know if he still feels the same way about me.
Alrighty, now a little more detail.
- He lives in Arizona and I live in Kansas
- The last time we were physically together, my friends told me that they could tell that he liked me a little. (This was two years ago and I had a boyfriend at the time.)
- I absolutely love the relationship we have. We could be sweet, intimate, good friends, or get down to business when needed.
So I guess what I really want to know, is if he still has feelings for me, or if it just the stress of stopping smoking and work that is causing him to be so distant. And even if he does like me, where do we go from there. I really want to be in a relationship with him. I really like him. But with the distance, anything can happen. I'm terrified about getting hurt. |
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Janice
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Post subject:
Posted: Apr 04, 2010 - 10:15 PM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 276
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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Long-distance relationships are not for everyone. They require a lot of time to nurture the connection the couple has built up, and if the connection is a fragile one, like yours, then it can be very difficult to navigate.
A major downside of a long-distance relationship is that you don't have enough day-to-day contact to really know if a person is doing what they say they're doing. For example, how do you know he really quit smoking and that was the reason why he became more stressed and distant? And how do you really know what's going on with his job. Also, since you didn't go on vacation with him, you don't know what really transpired while the two of you were not in contact.
Basically, I hear that this guy "just isn't into you." If he was, then don't you think he'd be talking and planning to find a way, any way, to see you, and soon? Without letting you know his interest in making a real physical connection, you are left with little ground to stake your relationship on.
The best way to protect yourself from getting hurt is by making sure your expectations are in line with reality. The reality is that he's not into you, so why would you put your heart on the line for him to squash? Does he share your desire to be together? If so, then this should be the main focus of your conversations. If not, then just texting and talking is basically just stringing you along. In light of your previous disappointment, I suggest you find someone who is truly ready, willing and able to give you the kind of attention and commitment you want and need. Good luck! |
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