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I think the work we did together, the encouragement, the advice and accountability you gave me has been incredible, wise & very valuable. I am going to continue using everything I learned in my future dating endeavors which will hopefully end soon when I get engaged :-) and married....
-- Jessie[Click here to read more]
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Welcome to the Doctor Love Coach Message Boards!
I invite you to join me and and other members in discussions of just about anything related to dating and relationships.
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Lostwithouther
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Post subject: Please help...
 Posted: Jan 31, 2010 - 07:53 PM
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Joined: Jan 31, 2010
Posts: 1
Status: Offline
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I have been involved with my girl for over a year now. We started out so innocently, within a few weeks of being together, I was in love with her,and she with me. We had know each other from the past, we went to kindergarden, first and second grade together, and dated as teens.
After 10 months together, we moved in together. We went from talking on the phone and texting all the time, and only seeing each other once a week to living together. We couldn't get enough of each other. Sometime after Christmas, things started changing, I should mention I am the root of the issue. The texts stopped coming as frequently as they once did, the forwarded funny emails stopped coming. There was no passion anymore. She came home from work one day last week, I hugged her tight, gave her a kiss and asked why she doesn't hug me anymore when she comes home. That opened the flood gates and I got the we need to talk. I know we went from once a week to every day, but when you are in love it shouldn't matter. As time went on, i began to panic and push harder and show more affection. All my responses to what was going on what more attention. She swears to me that she is still in love with me, and that she doesn't want me to give up on us, and that she feels our relationship is worth saving, she even echoed that to me this past Friday night as she was packing a bag to leave the house for what she said what just the weekend. Although i know she didn't go to her friends house like she said, she went to her brothers. I assumed she was coming home tonight, and sent an email asking when she was coming home that I miss her, she wrote back that she still needs more time to sort things out and she will contact me by mid-week. My fears have pushed her to this, i know it and I caused her to leave with the way I reacted (way too emotionally) I believe that she isn't coming back, because I saw an email where she stated that she was waiting for her brother to come home and talk to him about crashing there for a few months until she found a place.
Why would she tell me that she loves me as she is leaving the house, and that she believes that we are worth saving and not to give up on us, and write what she wrote to a friend of hers? Please I need help. This woman is my soul mate, my heart, my life. I have poured out my heart to her and even laid out an email that explained what is going on inside of me to explain what she didn't like about me and how to fix it. I feel that I have lost her forever. Can anyone help me understand all of this...PLEASE??? i am desperate here. |
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Janice
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Post subject:
Posted: Mar 04, 2010 - 10:33 PM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 276
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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The biggest impression I get from reading your letter is how the both of you sound very confused. Each of you are pulling one another closer and pushing one another away at different times, like a ballroom dance gone awry. What I see as the root of your problem in your relationship is an inability to use words to express your feelings.
This is a learned behavior that some parents are better than othersat teaching their children. It requires an ability to identify what you are feeling, and then articulating them with words that are clear, but not confrontive or blaming. While you admit that a lot of the problem with your relationship is your fault, you have to be able to understand what you are doing and what you could do differently in order to get your needs met by your girlfriend.
On the other hand, your girlfriend is, most likely, doing the same thing because she too doesn't have the ability to identify and articulate her feelings. Nor does she know how to ask directly for what she wants and needs.
Consequently, if you are able to, then I would strongly suggest that the two of you find a couples therapist. If you send me your zip code in an email, then I will try to make a referral. Good luck! |
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