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I am really growing in all areas of my life because of your coaching. I'm continuing to utilize the skills I developed during our work & find that I am more confident to entertain new potential relationships. I am indebted to you, Janice. Many blessings!
-- Deborah[Click here to read more]
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Welcome to the Doctor Love Coach Message Boards!
I invite you to join me and and other members in discussions of just about anything related to dating and relationships.
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ducky
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Post subject: how do we get thru this with him mum so manipulative?
 Posted: Feb 20, 2010 - 11:36 AM
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Joined: Feb 20, 2010
Posts: 1
Status: Offline
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I met the most amazing wonderful guy a year and a half ago while living overseas on a working holiday. We’ve been together for over a year and every single day we were together we were crazy happy.
Unfortunately back in November he had to return to the Europe due to his visa ending and I came back to Australia. We’ve been trying to make plans for our future and they seemed to be stoking along but this week have come to a grinding halt. There has been some trouble in his family and it’s affected him in a big way and instantly thru us into turmoil.
I absolutely know that this is something that the family can recover from, and its something that my boyfriend can recover from. He's my partner and I want to help him thru it but instead he started to push me away, and said and done some very self-serving things (this in its self is very out of character). I’ve been putting up with this for a bit now and finally called him on his behavior, which didn’t go down well and suddenly, the **** hit the fan. Now his parents have told him that they don’t like me anymore and me calling his **** was actually me insulting how he was raised and they are now disgusted at my behavior?????. EVERYTHING I have done up until this point has been to encourage and support him! He's an only child and lost his real dad when he was young and they are a VERY close family something that I respect and understand but because of this I know I’m now facing an uphill battle to try and keep my relationship going from the other side of the world. His mum is actually going so far as to try and get other people to try and tell him I’m no good for him and to leave me cause she "doesn’t want to lose him" – this is something that until now has been done in secret and my boyfriend and I did not know about and has been going on for months even before this blowup. Never mind that while we were overseas together she used me to keep in contact with him or that I was actually under the believe that we were family too! She’s also continually dropping comments into conversation about how him leaving will break the family and her heart. I’ve had my worries in the past but tried to lay them to rest, but this last week has brought so much heartache and I’m beginning to see just how sneaky, underhanded and manipulative a person I am up against. I would NEVER EVER no mater how I felt about his family keep him from them or try to poison him against them. I just want EVERYONE to be happy.
I LOVE this boy to bits. I’ve been in other relationships and nothing compares to the joy this one brings me. This is tearing me to bits and I will do anything to save it and am desperate for anyone’s help and ideas. I just don’t know how to move forward on the other side of the world. I've tried to contact his mum but she wont reply. I know she's not used to people standing up to her which I know has to happen but i also think this might cause more problems. He's 26 years old im 25 and we should be getting on with our life as adults.
additional info:
Maybe I didn't explain properly, when I said that we were making plans for our future I was meaning that we were trying to organize for him to travel out here and see if it’s somewhere he would like to be long-term. My issue is not who is going where. My issue is while we are separated how can we get past the underhanded and manipulative behavior from his mother.
Like I said they are very, very close and I don’t want to change that. I’ve talked to him and determined that NO ONE, EVER at any point, has stood up to her and he’s worried that if we, or I do, that it will only cause further problems.
I love him and he loves my but despite the fact his mum is in the wrong and he’s very angry about it he also feels scared and guilty about confronting her because he never has before. We’re also worried about the fallout. We’re worried that she will either
a) Become even more defensive and determined to split us up and wipe me for good or
b) Disown her son.
Frankly I don’t think if she’s gone to all this trouble to keep from "loosing him" it would be option B, she may for quite some time emotionally punish him but I cant see her long term disowning him.
I do know however that SOMETHING must be said if we are going to move on other wise we are just enabling her behavior and have a very long unpleasant uphill battle. My god what kind of person controls a grown man/their son with emotional blackmail and keeps him from making the choices he has made clear he WANTS to make for her own purposes?
I’m not willing to just chuck in the towel on something that other wise makes me crazy happy just because I’m dealing with some distance and a bad person. I’m actually quite willing to forgive and welcome her into my family and get on with life so long as this stops.
So what I REALLY need help with is HOW.
How do we even raise the subject of all this "behind out backs" stuff with minimal fuss, and make her understand that she’s in the wrong, out of line and it will not be tolerated further, were both adults and wont have it??? How do we do this when she will flat out deny what she’s done, try and twist it back on me, make it about her and most likely in a rather dramatic display turn on the waterworks, yell scream act like a spoilt teenager take it our on other people and storm off???????
I know that it is really up to my boyfriend to finally take control of his life but I also know what we are up against and it’s a scary task. I need help on a plan of attack, how to lay demons to rest and get on with our lives. |
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Janice
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Post subject:
Posted: Mar 04, 2010 - 10:22 PM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 276
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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Well, Ducky, it appears as though you are in the midst of a very big psycho-drama. What surprises me however, is how surprised you are at the degree to which your boyfriend's mother would go to cut you out of his life. If your boyfriend and his mother are as close as you say, then how did you imagine that you could tear him away from her to be on your side of an argument? Truthfully, they have more years bonding together than the two of you did before you were geographically separated. So to say that this is an uphill battle is putting it mildly.
You made a significant statement
Quote:
This is tearing me to bits and I will do anything to save it . . .
I'm going to take you at your word and say that if you really mean this, then you should hop on the next plane and become a real-life girlfriend to your boyfriend again. So far, you have been unsuccessful in getting him to go to your country, and there's a strong possibility now that he may never make it out of his country. And if it's true that his mother had been conniving to break the two of you up for awhile now, then the seeds she had planted are able to bloom since you are far away.
Consequently, the only real, viable option that I see you have to make any headway in saving your relationship is to move there, the sooner the better.
I believe that once you get there, you wil be able to evaluate the situation much better and see what you can, or cannot, do. And I want to wish you the best of luck! |
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