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manhatesnow
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Post subject: Road Block! Unsure of how to get around it. Help!
 Posted: Dec 22, 2008 - 01:47 AM
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Joined: Dec 22, 2008
Posts: 1
Status: Offline
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I have been seeing this woman on and off for about 3 years. In between stints, we've had our own share of relationship fall-outs, hers involving a failed marital engagement which went south about 7 months ago. As of mid september, we picked up where we left off.
This most recent stint of ours has lasted longer than those prior and I'm finding that i'm becoming very emotionally attached to her. Being that the last year hasn't been the easiest on her, shes's very apprehensive about jumping into another commitment . I'm no fool. I understand her need for "me time" and her jadedness toward relationships, but that equation leaves only one solution for me, which is the waiting game. I can get very impatient.
She makes me very happy, but the thought of potentially having to share her at this point makes me very sad. Don't get me wrong, shes not out doing whatever with whomever when i'm not around, but the idea that she can makes her feel comfortable. "I care about you so much and I love that we can do whatever we want." is what she'll tell me.
This confuses me. If i'm in the market for some top-soil emotional satisfaction, i'll blow off steam with some girl i meet at a bar and that will be that. I don't spend massive ammounts of free time getting to know someone and there family while having "evenings in" to save money on gas and restaurant costs. Thats what I do with a person i have true feelings for and the bars are the last thing on my mind. What confuses me more is that if I had the same attitude about us as she does, it wouldv'e already been over. She tells me that i'm free to have fun, but if that fun involved other female company her faith in me would be crushed. I know this factually.
I dont know what to do. I've talked this over with her but excessive conversation always seems to make matters worse. My better judgement says run, but i feel that if her and i keep reappearing in each others lives, there must be a reason.
All I know is that I feel very strongly for this one and I'm getting antsy.
someone help.
(forgive any spelling errors. haha) |
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Janice
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Post subject:
Posted: Dec 23, 2008 - 03:49 AM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 276
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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"Top soil emotional satisfaction?" What an interesting phrase! You'll have to back-channel me to tell me more about this "activity."
But I digress. You asked for help and I'm here to offer some.
I recognize that it's challenging for you to not get what you want. You have had a round-and-round relationship with this woman over the course of many years that has never really given either of you satisfaction. There are reasons why this is so, but you did not articulate them in your post. But needless to say she's not currently willing to entertain getting into an exclusive relationship with you, and I can see that that irks you.
You say "there must be a reason" why you "keep reappearing in each other's lives,' expressing the possibility that you are meant to be together. I'm not so sure I buy that. It's possible that you keep running into her because you yourself haven't taken your licks and moved on. But she did. As a matter of fact, she almost married someone else during one of your break-ups, indicating to me that she was over you enough to make a commitment to another man.
Consequently, her apprehensions are understandable. She seems smart enough to know that she needs her freedom right now. And you have to accept that. I understand how that would make you feel frustrated, especially since you say that talking "makes matters worse." I sense that's because you're trying to talk her out of pursuing her freedom and it's not working.
So, I suggest that you take your lumps and move on. Be respectful of her feelings and give her what she wants, which is a little less of you in her life. You can let her know that you're leaving the door open, but be sure to go out and date others. If she comes back, then make sure it's not just to alleviate her (or your) loneliness. Instead, talk about what each of you are willing to do differently in order to make the relationship work.
Good luck! |
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ayishagisel
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Post subject:
Posted: Jun 29, 2010 - 09:31 PM
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Joined: Jun 29, 2010
Posts: 1
Status: Offline
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| I'm sorry. I searched for commitment and came across this posting. I searched for this because I've been in a relationship for 9 years and am certain my partner is commitment phobic. Isn't it possible that so was his girlfriend? In that case would your advice be the same? To allow them to hold you at bay while they feel certain they need "freedom" yet claiming they love you and unable to freely converse about those dynamics? |
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