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Welcome to the Doctor Love Coach Message Boards!
I invite you to join me and and other members in discussions of just about anything related to dating and relationships.
This is a place for everyone to share, so please respect each other and enjoy!
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h
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Post subject: Relationship Postmortem
 Posted: Feb 20, 2005 - 11:05 AM
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Joined: Oct 03, 2004
Posts: 16
Status: Offline
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This post is inspired by the latest entry in Janice's blog about the woman who listened to why her boyfriend wanted to break up with her and the insights she got from it.
I have tried doing that every time when a woman has broken up with me, or decided that she did not want to move any further, but have gotten noting more in depth than a list of issues -- usually one issue. It almost seems like they want to deliver the news, minimize further contact and close the door as quickly as possible.
What have other men's experiences been in this area? Are women willing to offer a detailed critique of why they want out?
What have women experienced? In your experience, have men been willing offer insightful and reflective views of why they are not happy in the relationship and want out? |
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Post subject: Re: Relationship Postmortem
Posted: Feb 21, 2005 - 05:30 AM
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h wrote:
This post is inspired by the latest entry in Janice's blog about the woman who listened to why her boyfriend wanted to break up with her and the insights she got from it.
I have tried doing that every time when a woman has broken up with me, or decided that she did not want to move any further, but have gotten noting more in depth than a list of issues -- usually one issue. It almost seems like they want to deliver the news, minimize further contact and close the door as quickly as possible.
What have other men's experiences been in this area? Are women willing to offer a detailed critique of why they want out?
What have women experienced? In your experience, have men been willing offer insightful and reflective views of why they are not happy in the relationship and want out?
No way. I don't know where this came from, but everyone knows that the standard way to initiate a breakup is NOT to give the reason, and to blame it on yourself or blame it on timing or not being able to give it your all right now or whatever. Very seldom does a partner tell someone that they're just too possessive or too aloof or too short or whatever. |
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ck
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Post subject: Relationship Postmortem
Posted: Feb 24, 2005 - 06:04 PM
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Joined: Aug 13, 2004
Posts: 8
Status: Offline
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| By the time most of my "breakups" have occured, the reasons were self-evident. A detailed explanation would have been redundant. |
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Janice
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Post subject: Relationship Postmortem
Posted: Feb 25, 2005 - 08:31 PM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 276
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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ck said, "By the time most of my 'breakups' have occured, the reasons were self-evident. A detailed explanation would have been redundant."
My sense however, is that neither "h" nor "guest" (both of whom are men, I should tell you), experienced the reasons for a relationship ending as "self-evident." They have been, in fact, clueless, as to why a woman was breaking up. "guest" thinks that it's acceptable dating behavior NOT to give a reason.
I, however, disagree. The reality is that you're only going to get feedback if you ask. Maybe you won't get any information, and that is the other person's perogative. "D" (the woman who asked me what she should do when she went out for coffee with the guy who ended their relationship) didn't say if the guy gave her "feedback" specifically about her. She did say, however, that by listening to him, she learned a lot about herself.
AND THE BEST PART OF IT ALL was how she was able to conclude that he was a "disappointing person." Now, how many times do singles build up in their minds how fantastic their dating partner is, and how victimized they feel when the other person ends the relationship? So for "D" to recognize that the guy was not all that she originally thought he was, I'm saying "yay!"
So I say, ask. But be ready to really listen. And don't be defensive. Then say "good-bye." Oh, and don't give any feedback yourself unless it's solicited. It's better that way.
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