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What should you do if you see “red flags” when you’re dating someone? This is a question that I received in various forms from a couple of women recently. It’s a rather tricky question to answer. Why? Because while there are some general red flags that might turn into a “deal-breaker,” different people have varying tolerances for imperfections that they notice in another person.

One way to answer this question is to ask yourself, “Even though he may have these imperfections or limitations, can I love and accept him despite them?” Another question to ask yourself is, “If I make a request for him to change something, will it really make that much of a difference? Will I then look for another imperfection and make that a reason to reject him?”

Dear Janice, About 4 months ago, I ended a relationship with a woman that I was dating for almost a year. Since then, I’ve had a hard time getting myself motivated to start dating again. I’ve come to terms with why the relationship had to end, but am hesitating to get back into the dating scene. I’m not really sure why I'm feeling this way. I’d like to find “Ms. Right” someday. Any suggestions? Bob

Dear Bob, When a man and a woman, each considering the other as a life partner, spend a lot of time together, it’s natural that they would become “emotionally attached.” Since I don’t know the specifics of your previous relationship, I can’t say if the degree to which you became emotionally attached was healthy or not. What I can say however, is that after a break-up, a person usually goes through a sort of grieving and mourning process. This is because when you’re dating someone, and doing so with the serious intention of seeing if she is Ms. Right, you have hopes and dreams that it'll all work out. When reality tells you (and you’re actually willing to listen to reality) that the two of you are not compatible, and should not continue being together, it can feel like a “death.” But it's not the death of the person that you have to adjust to, it’s the death of your hopes and dreams. But just like with the death of a person, the challenge before you is to re-orient yourself in the world without this person in your life. And get back into the game so that you give yourself the opportunity to find someone more suitable.

Hi Janice, What is the best way to break up with someone? Helene

Hi Helene, This is a tough question to answer. That’s because how you break up will depend on the level of commitment that you have with your dating partner. On one end of the spectrum, you may have no commitment in the relationship since you are only communicating via email. Further up the continuum, you may be communicating on phone, but still not meet F2F (face-to-face) date. Even further up the continuum, you may have had 3 to 5 F2F dates over the course of one to three months.

If any of these situations describe your current dating situation, where there really is no commitment, the best way to end the relationship is to do so “politely.” Most importantly, if you aren't in a committed relationship, then you are not obligated to give any reasons to explain your decision. For an “email- only” situation, I suggest that send a polite email saying, “I appreciate the time that you spent communicating with me, however, I don’t see our relationship going any further. Thanks for your time, and good luck in your search.” If you’ve graduated to the phone, you could say something similar, but preferably over the phone.

Dear Janice, I met a man over the internet 4 months ago and we have become great friends. We would talk on the phone a few times a week or more, send each other pictures. There was definately an attraction. Recently he came to visit some friends that live nearby as he’s thinking about moving here. I really like him; my problem is his TEETH. When he closes his mouth you can’t tell and he is really very attractive! His Bad Teeth are my only hold up--they are rotten, brown in between, and it makes his breath stink really bad. I know that he likes me very much and wants to visit again soon. What is the best way to go about this? I can’t let him slip away because of this, everything else was so perfect. This can be fixed, right? Please help! Jean

Dear Jean, The answer to your question about the problem with his teeth is –Yes, bad teeth can, of course, be easily fixed. But this doesn’t answer your question about the problem in your relationship.

The way that I understand it, this man’s Bad Teeth could be a “deal-breaker.” This means that everything else in the relationship works, but if this issue can’t be resolved, then the relationship can't go any further. So, if you’re looking to increase your committment, then you need to raise the issue.

Dear Karl, If this girl has told you that she wants to just remain friends, then I think that you should take her at her word. You have made yourself a very useful friend, too, by continuing to listen to her complain about her boyfriend and her fears about breaking up with him. If you didn’t have feelings for her, then this might not be such a bad friendship, if she was to reciprocate and listen to your dating problems also.

Dear Jill, Singles can often feel “less than” others purely because they are “partner-less.” However, singles who have a healthy self-esteem know that they are worthwhile and whole people regardless of their marital status. That self-understanding is key to eventually building and maintaining a successful relationship. People with self-esteem consider themselves as worthy to be loved and cared for by others; but order to achieve this reciprocity in a relationship, you have to love and care for yourself first.

Dear Ellen, It’s good that you're aware that past relationship hurts could potentially get in the way, or possibly ruin, a current relationship. When you say that you’re “not sure where things are going,” it means that you are not dating “consciously.” Dating consciously means that you already know yourself and what you are looking for in a partner, and that you take responsibility for who you choose to have in your life. Alternatively, if you’re just hanging out and doing what feels good together in the moment, you put yourself at risk of getting burned again.

The above question is a composite of the many that I received in response to my Chemistry & Consciousness articles, parts 1 & 2. While I set out cogent explanations about chemistry from physiological, behavioral and psychological viewpoints, I know that there are still single people out there who have a hard core insistence on having an instant attraction.

If you are a single who is honestly searching for a life partner relationship, who has a history of rejecting dates because of a lack instant chemistry, then I am going to challenge you with this question: what are you ultimately looking for? Are you looking for love, or are you looking for sex?

Dear Rachel, First of all, I want to congratulate you for having succeeded in your career as a result of your hard work. I have to suggest, however, that in order to be successful at finding a husband, that you make time in your life to seriously attend to your social life. That means that you make dating a priority, by thinking about where to go, who to talk to and network with, and how to present yourself as marriage-minded. Alternatively, if you just squeeze dating into a busy work schedule, you may not get the results that you want.

Janice--There’s this guy that started talking to me about a month ago and I
don't know if he likes me or not. We don't talk much because every time I pass
by his house he's with his friends, but he leaves them to talk to me when he sees
me and greets me with a big smile and a kiss on the cheek. How can I tell if he’s
really interested in me? Melanie