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Hi Janice, I have been dating a guy for 6 months. On our 6 month anniversary he told me that he had made reservations at our favorite restaurant and I could leave the rest to my imagination. When I arrived at his home, he told me that I was his best friend and that he didn't want a relationship. Up to that point, he had not given any indication that he felt this way. Just 2 weeks prior to this, we had gone on vacation together and had a wonderful time. At his work, his co-workers told me that he talked about me all the time. What should I do? Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed & Confused, The first thing I want to know is this-- did he actually take you to the restaurant for your anniversary dinner? Because I'm left wondering what this guy was really planning. Like he told you that he didn't want a relationship before dinner so he wouldn't have to actually go through with having to pay for dinner.

Nevertheless, it sounds like you never saw this coming and you are in a state of shock. I say that this is because you had taken it for granted that you shared the same relationship goal with your boyfriend. You took the vacation and the co-workers' talk as an indication that he wanted a future with you.

But did you two ever really talk about this?

Dear Janice, I have been in a commited relationship with John for the last 6 months. We have been living together for 4 of those. Everything is wonderful, except that I can't help checking his cell phone, which started when I spotted his ex's number on there. They dated on and off for about 4 years, and I worry that she wants it to be "on" again. She always calls him, he doesn't call her. We have discussed it and he said that she cheated on him and he would never go back to her. BTW - he also runs a business and she's a customer. I think he should politely tell her to stop calling for personal reasons, and that when she has business she should call the office instead. Am I wrong to be upset when she calls? I really believe that he wouldn't cheat on me, but I don't know her intentions. What should I do? Karen

A. Wow, Karen! Moving in together after knowing each other for 2 months! That?s quite brave of you, considering you didn?t get the full picture of his relationship with his ex-girlfriend ahead of time. Since you are just now getting to see what she does and how he responds, you?re going to have to figure out the ?trust? factor in your relationship fast.

Dear Janice, The ex and I have gotten pretty close again and talk every couple of days now. Well, we have decided to meet up when she comes back to town. We planned for her to stay with me for 5 days, even though we haven't seen each other in over two years. I planned a bunch of fun things to do; I just don't know what to expect while she's here. We have talked about us a little, and about who we were. She always says that no one has ever affected her like I have, and she has never loved anyone like she loved me. I just want to know how I should handle our time together. Any suggestions? Ed

Well, Ed, I think that the only way you're going to find out what to expect while she's visiting you, is to ask HER. But, more importantly, I'd be interested in knowing the answer to this question: What's different now?

Dear Janice, A few months ago, I started communicating with a man from a different country. For three weeks we exchanged long, intense emails and spoke for hours on the telephone. Suddenly he stopped communicating with no explanation. However, I had plans to visit his country on business and sent him an email asking if he would like to meet. He responded very excitedly; we went out six times during my two week stay. We had a wonderful time -- we have a lot in common and have an incredible chemistry. We agreed to continue communicating, and he would consider traveling to visit me.

Soon after I came back, his emails were less frequent; but when I stopped writing, he called me wanting to know why he didn't hear from me and that he wanted to continue calling and writing. Then after 2 to 3 emails the communication died down again. What do you think is going on with him? Thanks, Theresa

Dear Janice, I am a female divorcee with three sons. I met a divorced man with two sons. My challenge is getting him to be open to personal level discussions. I like him. We share a few attributes, especially spirituality issues. He tells me about his life, we go to the gym together, and I am currently helping him with his studies. He is studying toward an CPA, while I am just about to take comprehensive exams for my Ph.D. I am foreign born, while he was born in the US. My question is: How do I get to his heart? Thanks, Julie

Dear Julie, I'm going to assume that “getting to his heart” means that you want him to open up to you on a more emotionally intimate level. So far, your strategy appears that you are giving, helpful and available to him, in the hopes that he will appreciate you and reciprocate. This is difficult for someone to do if s/he is not able to “read” the needs of another person, and be willing to take the emotional risks to fulfill that person’s needs.

I need to say first off that not everyone is able to open up to their emotions. You say that he is divorced, and so there is a reason for this. Might you know if lack of emotional intimacy was a source of conflict in his marriage? You say that he has children. What have you observed in his interactions with them? Does he seem attuned to their feelings and needs? Looking deeper into this man’s history and observing his current behavior can tell you how you may, or may not, be able to get him to open up to YOU.

Dear Janice, I read the “From Virtual to Actual” article and want to know more about what you mean by “pseudo-intimacy.” When I’m dating a woman, I want it to be real, and not be fooled into thinking it is real, when it isn’t. Pete

Dear Pete, I use the term “pseudo-intimacy” to describe the level of closeness that two people feel when they have never met in person, and are only “dating” by email, I.M. and telephone. As I mentioned in my December 12th '03 post, using the telephone can help not only to gather information about your dating partner, but also as a way of increasing intimacy. When I referred to dating over the phone in that post, it presumed having already met in person. That way, talking on the phone would be a way of maintaining whatever emotional intimacy that you experienced when you met in person, and even increase it.

Dear Janice: I am a woman who recently went to a singles event where the conversation eventually got to “whose fault is it that singles can't get married?” The women blame the men for being too commitment phobic, for example, and the men blame the women for looking only for a good meal ticket (for example). What do you think is the problem, and what do you think is the solution? Marcia

Dear Marcia: You bring up a very important question that I can only really begin to answer. I don’t think that it's the fault of any gender specifically. While one may witness “tendencies,” I think it unfair to make a hard and fast rule that blames one gender or the other.

Q. I am a divorced man with three children whom I am actively co-parenting with my ex-wife. I recently re-entered the dating scene, but am confused about what to look for now since, as a father, my circumstances are different than they were when I dated prior to my marriage. What should I be looking for in a wife now?

A. I commend you for continuing to be an active father in your children?s lives even though you are no longer married to their mother. I realize that co-parenting under these circumstances is challenging, but your children will definitely benefit from your continued involvement.

Yes, your circumstances are different now, and the women that are available to you are different too. As a father already, it’s important that you decide whether or not you want to have more children with a new wife, and that whatever you decide, you should communicate that desire to whomever you date. A divorced woman who also has children may make a suitable candidate for you, as you could have a lot in common being single parents. Blending families can be challenging, but also very rewarding, as well as stabilizing, for children and adults who have experienced divorce.

Hi Janice. Is dating a workaholic or a playboy the same as dating a married man? Sheila

Sheila, The answer I would give is no, it’s not the same. Someone who is single, and not married, although a workaholic, still has his personal life open for a relationship, although he is now filling that time by working. This is a person who eventually will either burn-out or realize that he needs some work-life balance going on in his life, which could then make room for obtaining the rewards of a relationship.