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Thank you for your valuable time and coaching...Thank you for helping me to believe, to stay focused and to have faith....
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  Do singles have questions about dating and relationships? They sure do! If you have a question about a relationship quandary, just go to the "Contact Us" page and ask!
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Hi, I met a guy online. We talked online since October. He asked me for my phone number and he called me. He wanted to meet me. We live about 100 miles away from each other. I got a job offer in the town he lives in. I was planning on moving there on Feb.1. I am excited about the job and about being in the same town as him. We went on 2 dates in his town- once at a coffee shop and the other dinner. We really hit it off. We talked on the phone all thru the holidays. I thought everything was going well. He stopped responding to my emails and phone calls right after New Years. I know that he went to a New Years Ball. I thought he met someone else there. He finally sent me an email that said that he met someone but wants to be friends with me. I decided to read Janis Spindel's book about dating and realized - I probably should have kissed him on either of the 2 dates and that he may not know that I am really into him. I don't know how to tell him without coming across as pushy now. I know your advice would probably be to move on. But I am 36 and finally found what I thought was the one- I am just very picky. I would love to salvage what we had. He has only known the other girl 2 weeks. Please give me a strategy to try before this relationship unravels. Thanks I appreciate your help. I have good news and bad news to tell you about your "relationship" with this man. The bad news is that he's currently in another relationship and has put you in "the friend zone". . .for now. The good news is that you will be living in the same town, which can provide you with the potential to get together and get a current reading on how he feels. At this time, your "strategy" should be to find a way to let him know that you've moved to his town and that you'd like to re-connect, as friends.I agree with you that you have to avoid coming across as "pushy," so I suggest that you invite him to a house-warming party, where there will be other people. This would demonstrate to him that you respect his decision about not pursuing you in a romantic way. I think this is probably the best way to let him know that you're still interested in having him in your life, yet it would be up to him to decide to attend, or not.
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Posted by: Janice
on Thursday, January 22, 2009
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Hi Janice, I've been dating my finacee for almost 5 years and am generally very happy. However, he's very absentminded about cleaning up after himself around the house -- for example, he forgets to put the dog food away after he feeds it, doesn't replace toilet paper he finishes, leaves dirty plates out and pieces of food in the sink, or leaves the bathroom a mess after he shaves (hair all over the sink / floor). When I try to address these issues with him he says he feels like I'm a nag. I want him to be comfortable to live in his own home, but I also feel resentful that he can't clean up after himself in a basic manner. He also says he feels like he does do stuff around the house that I just don't notice and he doesn't feel the need to tell me when he does something like take out the trash. Not that I don't believe him, but I've never seen him take out the trash. I try to talk to him about this in a proactive way, and he'll come back at me at say something like, " I wish I was perfect too but I can't change who I am." Is there any middle ground? Am I being unreasonable? I'm just not able to feel relaxed in a dirty home, and don't know what else I can do to try and get him to change his behavior. I tell myself that b/c he's a great guy I shouldn't mind cleaning up extra (better than a cheater!), but even so it still bugs me. Any advice would be REALLY appreciated since things are not getting any better on this front. Thanks! Ali Hi Ali, I'm assuming from your letter that you are engaged and living together, right? When you made the decision to live together, did you have any conversations about how each of you wanted the home you would share to run? Did you share what was important to both of you and how you each would be in charge of certain household needs? From the tone of your letter, or shall I say -- from the tone of frustration that I get from your letter -- I don't think that you had any kind of meaningful discussions to see where you agree, and where you disagree, on how your shared home should run, and look. Consequently, you are living in chaos. Chaos results from a lack of planning and, especially, not identifying the goals you share for living together before getting married.
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Posted by: Janice
on Tuesday, December 30, 2008
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Dear Dr. Bennett, I am a 49 year-old single woman who has never been married. Last month, I began dating a widower whose spouse passed away a little over two years ago. From the beginning, Mr. B told me that he didn't want a committed relationship, just to date. He also conveyed that he knew he didn't want to get married again and felt that he couldn't love again. He was with his wife over thirty years. We talk on the phone each day for hours and see each other when we can. We have actually developed a friendship, but I am confused because he sometimes talks about meeting my family. And , in other instances, he feels he could love again. There is a shrine of his wife in one room and pictures of her throughout the house. And, he still wears his wedding band which bothers me when we go out in the public. This is my first time "dating" a man. I am usually in a one on one committed relationship. I really like Mr. B. but I feel a need to have a wall up and not allow myself to have feelings. He is a really nice guy, but he is still grieving. I understand this, but I am not sure if this is healthy for me. Please advise. I want to hang in there, but I don't want to date him for 3 years and still nothing develops. Please advise. Thanks, Jean Dear Jean, Given that women generally out-live men, it's no surprise that widowers are prime targets for older single women looking for a committed relationship. Social research has shown that men who had been happily married before are more likely marry again. I say this as a preface to my response in order to help you understand why Mr. B. says he thinks he "can love again" -- he's done it before and knows he can do it again. The million dollar question though is, "when?" The big issue, as you stated, comes down to timing. I suggest that you read previous Q's&A's How soon to date a widower? and How can I be patient with a widower? to get started. But needless to say, my best advice is to listen to what he says. If he said that he "didn't want a committed relationship, just to date," then you have to take him at his word. That's because psychological literature has found that the best way to predict someone's behavior is by listening to what they say. But this may be difficult for you, given the brief tidbits you told me about yourself.
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Posted by: Janice
on Monday, December 22, 2008
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I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and we are truly best friends. We spend a lot of time together and enjoy the same hobbies and have the same goals. I would describe our relationship as loving and kind toward each other. I took your quiz to evaluate a soulmate [which can be obtained by requesting it here] and on every area: intellectual, emotional, spiritual I felt we are at 10 (very compatible). But here comes the dilemma: I don't feel (and hadn't felt even when I met him) that sexual spark or whatever you would call it. I'm guessing that people call it chemistry. I do find him attractive. I feel fine kissing and hugging him but to be honest, I never have the fantasy or strong desire sexually. It's not a turnoff to be with him, I just don't feel passion (as it takes a little effort). You can say the spark isn't there. Now I know you're probably thinking, we shouldn't be together. And I understand it's not fair to him but I wonder if there's any possibility that anyone's been in this situation and feelings have changed? I'm sad to think we would have to give up a relationship as it so hard to find such a good, caring man and so compatible. However, I do miss that sexual passion. I admit I wanted the relationship to work so badly I may have convinced myself it's OK to give someone a chance even though the spark isn't exactly strong. I know the solution probably seems obvious but I would love some feedback. Thank you. S. I would suggest that you start by reading my previous article What is *Settling for Less*?" because I address how the decision to stay in a relationship requires negotiation and compromise . . . to a degree. So while a single (a woman in the article and in your case) may determine that a man is kind, generous and loyal, and very compatible, the experience of chemistry often trumps them all. That's because I see compromising on chemistry mostly as a function of a woman's self-esteem. What do I mean by this?
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Posted by: Janice
on Monday, November 10, 2008
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My girlfriend and I have been dating for just over 6 months. Everything was GREAT, extremely soothing, easy, and giving ... comfortable, then she changed, literally, overnight. We've both ended hard divorces, and she dated a total scumbag, cheating the entire time, for 2 yrs. She went from wanting to marry me tomorrow, to "commitment issues". Earlier, 2 months ago we commited to "whatever it takes" ... I am totally confused. Andrew It's difficult to tell from your letter the actual timing of all that has happened in this relationship. When were those 2 years that she dated the "total scumbag?" Before or after she dated you for 6 months? When did she actually say she wanted to marry you? And what happened two months ago that triggered the "whatever it takes" decision? It's highly likely that I'm just as confused as you! The fact that this woman is sending mixed signals tells you that she is confused not just about you, but about herself. She appears to have some unresolved issues that are being played out in her relationship choices. Why else would she allow herself to be with "a total scumbag?"
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Posted by: Janice
on Wednesday, October 29, 2008
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I recently made a mistake in my relationship. We just got back together after been apart for almost 3 months. Prior to that we were together for 3 yrs. The other day I was feeling a little insecure and felt hopeless. My b/f had left his cell phone on the table & when he went to the washroom i went through his contacts, found lots of girls numbers. I actually deleted some. Now he is very angry and unsure about whether or not we can stay together. I apologized over and over again. i admitted what i did was wrong and that it would never happen again. It still was not good enough. How can i fix this and am i too late? He is the love of my life and i do trust him. i was just feeling insecure. He feels i do not trust him, but i do. Why do i act this way and what can i do? Jeri Dear Jeri, I have found singles, especially women, can become insecure in a relationship for one of two reasons: #1 the guy is not very forthcoming in expressing his feelings or daily experiences; or #2 you've had previous experiences being rejected and/or abandoned and are therefore overly sensitive to being desired and wanted. I will address #1 after I briefly explain #2. Psychologically speaking, experiencing previous rejections and/or abandonments can contribute to making a person insecure in even very secure relationships. Believing that your boyfriend is cheating on you may merely be a projection of your fears onto him, although there is no basis in reality. If you tend to be suspicious of the men you date, feeling insecure about their loyalty, even though this has never really been proven outright, then you need to work on yourself and see what the inner source is. Because it's not coming from the current relationship. On the other hand, as for #1, singles, both men and women, can become insecure and distrusting when their dating partner tends to not be very expressive of his/her feelings and needs. Feelings of insecurity and distrust can emerge because there's no real information to go on. So you go searching for it. But that doesn't give anyone license to go snooping through their dating partner's email or cell phone!
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Posted by: Janice
on Monday, August 11, 2008
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I am in a relationship with a woman that I have known, albeit from a distance, for a very long time, and only really got to know on an intimate level over these past 18 months. She is 7 years younger, I am 38. I have had 3 other long term relationships ranging from 2 years to almost 5. The woman I am with now has said she is ready to spend the rest of her life with me and asked me if I felt the same. I have been reluctant to say the same as I just don't know. She claims that I am commitment phobic since I tell her I love her and want to be with her, but can't honestly say at this point I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I don't know if I am reluctant because I don't know if she is the "one" or if indeed I am commitment phobic. (I have no problem maintaining my job 6 years, another 5 years before that). (Just to throw another monkey wrench into things, this is a long distance relationship) Is it commitment phobia or not know if she is the right one? What do I do now? Thanks, Mike
Dear Mike, I believe that the reason why you are in this predicament is because you have NOT effectively used the 18 months that you've been together. Eighteen months is a long time to date someone exclusively, especially long-distance. The longer a couple is apart, and the more time that goes by, the harder it is to make the decisions required to be together in the future. In a way, I could see why your girlfriend might accuse you of being "commitment phobic" -- you may be using the physical distance as a way of avoiding emotional intimacy. Therefore, I suggest that you figure out the answers to these two questions -- #1: what more do I need to know about this woman in order to make a full commitment to her? and #2: what can I do to find a way to live, or spend more time, in the same geographical vicinity if we decide to make this commitment?
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Posted by: Janice
on Tuesday, August 05, 2008
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Dear Dr. Janice, I am 27 and am dating a guy not quite 25. We have been dating for a year and a half. The last 6 months, he has been in Iraq. While he was here in the states, I felt that he blew me off occasionally. He had thought we were going to break up when he or I deployed but never discussed it with me. Anyway, we are still dating and I got out of the army. We talk at least 3 or 4 times a week. We stay relatively connected. We had never talked about marriage, and I brought it up. He will be in the army for another 2.5 years and in Iraq until Feb 2009. He says that he can't promise me anything for the future. He doesn't want to hurt me. There could be a possibility of something more, sometime after the army. He doesn't believe in long distance relationships, but we are in one. i am absolutely crazy about him and know that I could marry him tomorrow. Am I wasting my time and am waiting for something that will ever happen? Or is he really at this point not ready for a commitment but in time we could get married? Tessie Dear Tessie, Being involved in a relationship with someone who is "geographically undesirable" is one thing, but it's an entirely different situation when one of you is serving in the armed forces, especially overseas. As you may perhaps already know, fighting in a war is inherently stressful for a soldier, and so it's understandable that he may not be able to plan for the future. So what can you do to minimize the stress and maximize the benefits of being in a long distance relationship?
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Posted by: Janice
on Friday, June 06, 2008
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Me and my girlfriend have been dating for over 2 years and we are of different races. She is in a house of strict religion where the man should ask her parents for her hand in marriage etc. and she been told repeatedly not to see or date me anymore but we still do. Her father and a few aunts already know that she wants to leave but her mom and other aunts already stated they will refuse to let her go. After finding out that her aunts have talked with her mom about trying to kill me if she leaves or as of right now she is piss scared of leaving because she says they will never stop trying to find us. How do we find a peaceful resolution so that we can still enjoy our love and not risk anything with her family or our lives? Ryan Sorry, Ryan, but I don't really see a "peaceful resolution" in your situation. You and your girlfriend are attempting to buck the system, one that pulls at your girlfriend in a direction opposite from you. While I'm not saying that I agree with how her family is behaving (or threatening), you have to understand that she has known them her whole life versus only knowing you for two years. So their pull is much stronger than yours. Given the circumstances you describe with your girlfriend and her family, I wonder what her motives are in dating you. Might she be rebelling? Might she be wanting to send a message to her family that she may not be able to send verbally? On the other hand, it's possible that she is truly conflicted about the demands of her culture and religion and being with you presents the pathway for her desire to escape. Unfortunately, it's not an easy escape, as the two of you have found out.
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Posted by: Janice
on Monday, March 10, 2008
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