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A. You have bravely brought up an issue that concern many, many singles -- their "packaging." Men and women looking for a life partner will have a shopping list of what they're looking for, with "must be attractive" at the top. Unfortunately, in this day and age, "thin" is the preferred package. So while your question asks "how do I find a man who will accept me?" you brought up a more essential point when you said that you are "full-figured" and "coming to terms with my weight."

Are you saying that you are actually overweight? If you are within normal medical weight ranges for your height, while you may not be thin, you are considered healthy. But if you exceed these medical ranges, it's important to look at WHY you are overweight.

Singles searching for a life partner relationship frequently experience setbacks in their efforts because they have pre-conceived ideas about dating and relationships. These myths – or dating traps – cause singles to make the same mistakes, albeit in different relationships, and keep them from understanding what to look for while dating.

The questions that I answer below will provide examples of how singles buy into dating myths that trap them in an alternate reality. If you have been frustrated in your efforts to get closer to commitment, then you too may be stuck in a dating trap. So please continue sending me your questions and other dating dilemmas so that I can dispel the dating myths preventing you from finding and creating the kind of loving and fulfilling relationship you want.

Q. My profession (trading) has been a series of ups and downs – one year I could earn six figures, and another year I may barely pay my bills. I?m afraid to date women until I either find myself having a few good years in a row or until I change my career for a more steady income. Any suggestions?

A. You have fallen into a few dating traps that, unfortunately, many singles fall into. The first one is putting your life on hold because it isn’t perfect. I don’t know what you mean by waiting until you have “a few good years in a row,” but it sounds to me like you would be alone that much longer. The second dating trap you have fallen into is believing the myth that a man?s value and desirability is measured by how successful he is in business.

Since you asked for suggestions, you can be sure that what I say will serve to dispel these myths, and hopefully help you to avoid them in the future.

I just got back from my August vacation. As many people do before they take a vacation break, I tried to tie up loose ends so I could enjoy my days off. But then the blackout hit! For those of us in my Manhattan neighborhood, the blackout lasted for about 15 hours, which was enough time to ensure that many of my loose ends would remain loose. So much for getting this newsletter out before I left! Suddenly, the newsletter deadline, and other deadlines, seemed impossible to meet.

This experience reminded me of when, as a college student, I learned that I did not do well with rapidly approaching deadlines. So I planned to finish term papers a week before they were due, because it was the best way to handle my anxieties. This way, I learned something about myself and put that self-knowledge to good use in structuring my life. Having this piece of self-knowledge is an example of how I learned to trust my instincts and follow my "inner gyroscope." This strategy has given me the confidence to make many important decisions throughout my life and career. Knowing how I feel, what I stand for, and what I want has helped me to make sound decisions to be a better parent, coach, clinician and partner.

This week's article, "Know Yourself," is about having the confidence to trust your instincts. I know that it isn't always easy for singles to do this, especially when you may have loved ones saying that they know better about what you should do. I say, don't be seduced by what others say. It's your life, and only you will be living it.

Q. I have been dating for six years and have rebuffed many men who wanted to either marry or be serious with me. I feel lonely but unwilling to settle or commit because of two failed marriages. I have lost confidence in my judgment. I seem to prefer edgy men who are ultimately unavailable, to the sweet guys who flip for me. I would love your advice.

[I received this same question from 2 men of vastly differing ages.] Q. I am going through a prolonged divorce. As you are aware, the whole process can take a long time. What I’d like to know is this: how do I present myself to prospective dates? Some women do not care, while others don’t want to have anything to do with me.

A. With the divorce rate hovering around 55% these days, it was inevitable that I would receive a question about how “separated” singles ought to conduct themselves when they begin dating again. As I see it, a man without a divorce is at a disadvantage – you are competing with men who are available to marry while you’re not. If a woman is dating to find a husband, and you cannot give her a timeframe as to when you’ll be able to remarry, then you could be accused of just playing with her heartstrings. Of course there are those women who, as you’ve discovered, don’t care. But if a relationship is not meeting a woman’s needs, she may easily decide to go on to someone else in the hopes of having something consecrated sooner.

"I was looking for love in all the wrong places. Looking for love in too many faces. Searching their eyes, looking for traces of what I'm dreaming of. Hoping to find a friend and a lover, I'll bless the day I discover another heart, looking for love." "Looking for Love," song lyrics by Johnny Lee.

Q. The men that I have been dating want to have sex right away, even on the first date. How do I get men to wait until I know them better?

A. There are a few ways that this question could be answered, but I will respond by making two points: one pertaining to how a woman presents herself and behaves on a date, and in the other I will address the sex and dating issue directly.

When I hear women complain that the only thing that men are interested in is sex, I try to get them to look at themselves first before casting all of the blame on men. For example, if you are dating online, what is the message that your profile conveys about you? Let’s start with your pictures: do you look smartly attractive in a variety of poses, or do your pictures instead exude sex with a "come hither" look? In your profile, how do you describe yourself, the men who interest you, and your ideal date? If it contains too many references to romance, this can be confused with sex. Make sure that your profile makes you sound appealing while simultaneously showing you as a woman of substance who is looking for a solid guy.

A. It can be very painful not to feel accepted by those that you want to accept you. This is common in childhood, when we may have been the last person chosen to play a game, or in adolescence when we were never asked to dance. I could use this column to discuss how to make yourself more resilient to rejection; however, I’m going to assume that you are a healthy and well-adjusted woman who needs some help with your dating strategies.

I think it's important to start with some definitions and distinctions to get at the heart of what happens when chemistry hits. Let's start with "attraction." In the psychological realm, attraction is defined as the anticipation of getting one"s needs met by another person, and of being able to give what we uniquely have to give to this other person.

Q. I've come to the conclusion that there's one reason I'm not married: Fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of intimacy. Fear of change. Fear of failure. Fear of commitment. I've witnessed among my friends, family and community a staggering number of divorces that leave many hurt and pained, and I am afraid to make the same mistake. How do I overcome this fear? I do want to lead a normal life.

A. Many singles face the same dilemma. Their choice is clear: deciding between the perceived safety and comfort of a single existence, or the vulnerability and risk that are necessary to achieve intimacy and closeness with a partner.

The key to overcoming your fears is to understand them for what they are: normal, healthy…and defeatable.

While chemistry and physical appearance are often the basis for initial attraction in relationships, we know that successful long-term relationships require much more than just chemistry. People need to be compatible in other ways as well, such as in intellectual, emotional and spiritual areas.

Everyone has in their mind a picture of their "ideal mate." This person will have a combination of qualities that fit into one of two categories: enduring qualities, which are honesty, integrity, kindness, generosity, loyalty, and trustworthiness.

The other category are one's personal preferences, such as looks/beauty, intelligence, profession, financial stability or level of success, family background and involvement, hobbies, and degree of religiosity. The difference between these two categories is that the former consists of qualities that are non-negotiable or mandatory, while the latter consists of qualities that are more flexible and negotiable.