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Q. I have been dating a man whom I respect and like in many ways, but a few things about him turn me off and make me uncomfortable. For example, even though he is professional in his 40's, his speech is so loaded with "like, you know, and stuff," so it's sometimes difficult to take him seriously. Also, his taste in clothes can be embarrassing. Is there some non-hurtful way to tell him these things, or should I just see it as part of the package to take or leave as is? Luci

I'm glad that you are able to find qualities about this man that you can respect, Luci, because that is what I would like to direct your attention to. Rather than focus on what's wrong with the guy, I suggest that you continue to look at what's right with him. However, it's important that you understand a few important things about compatibility.

Psychological research indicates that the more two people are similar in significant areas, the more likely they will get along as a couple. In the book, Date. . . or Soul Mate? by psychologist Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D. (see my review of his book), certain key similarities are identified that strongly contribute to marital success. They are: 1) spiritual harmony; 2) desire for verbal intimacy and ability to be intimate; 3) level of energy; 4) level of ambition; 5) expectations about gender roles; 6) interests, and 7) personal habits.

I received a lot of feedback about my last article, "Time: Your Love Currency," which only confirmed my belief that singles need to place a greater value on the time they invest in their developing relationships. I stated in that article: "The only 'currency' that singles have in their search for a life partner is time. While investing time is a necessary component in choosing a partner, time can also be wasted if you invest too much of it with someone who isn't headed in the same direction as you." A good way of demonstrating this concept is with my answers below:

Q. In your article "Time: Your Love Currency," you stated that couples should discuss where the relationship is headed, i.e., marriage, before the fifth date. Five dates seems very soon to be discussing marriage. I think people should have their goals in mind. Maybe I misunderstood your response? Sherry

A. When I talk with singles, whether it's about their online dating profiles, or any of the other decisions they need to make while dating, I inevitably need to know, what kind of relationship does this person want? Does s/he want a "playmate," a "companion" or a "life partner?" The answer to this question then guides us to determine how to best attain the desired result.

What do I mean by these distinctions?

Q. I continually seem to get into relationships that appear great on the surface (good communication, affection, chemistry, healthy love life, fun, mutual love), but suddenly the guy needs space or wants out completely. They still profess their love, affections and passions, but they want out. I am 40 and my significant others tend to be close to my age or a few years older. The relationships have lasted anywhere from 9 months to 3 years. Any ideas? Donna

A. Yes, Donna, I have plenty of ideas, the most important of which is recognizing that this dating dilemma can be avoided before a relationship takes on a life of its own. What I mean is this: rather than feeling like a victim of a man's "need for space," you have the power to decide, long before getting further involved, if the relationship is to head towards an exclusive, committed relationship (i.e., marriage), or not.

What exactly is a “power struggle?” A power struggle occurs when each person believes that his or her opinion is the only right one, and neither is willing to “budge,” i.e., negotiate or compromise. Since one cannot technically have a relationship with his/her own clone, it is inevitable that two people in a relationship will encounter topics and issues on which they will disagree. A relationship’s success is determined by how well two separate individuals can reconcile their differences, meet each others’ needs, and grow together as a couple.

Q. I am seeing a man who says he loves me, but doesn’t ever want to live with me or marry me. He was in a disastrous first marriage and says he only wants to see me four times a week and live separate lives in different homes. I would like to move the relationship forward, but don’t know. Can you advise?

A. Your boyfriend has made it clear that he doesn’t want to increase his level of commitment in your relationship. I understand that this is very painful for you, since you want to increase your commitment and move forward. So it appears that the two of you are engaged in a power struggle.

With these long summer afternoons, I sometimes get seduced by the sun still high up in the sky and think I can keep working. But in order to do so, what I need to do is take a “power nap.” You know, step away from my desk, find a quiet place to lie down, get comfortable and relaxed, and sleep for about 20 to 30 minutes. When I wake up, I feel refreshed and am able to think more clearly.

When I awoke from one of my power naps recently, I was reminded of some of the complaints that I heard from singles over the years. Many said that they would be comfortable in their relationships, only to wake up one day to the realization that the relationship had no future. I would often be asked, “How did this happen?” Well, most likely you avoided facing the problem areas in your relationship that indicated a lack of compatibility. You got all comfortable and relaxed, took a “nap” for a couple of months, or maybe even years, and now you finally woke up.

This week's article addresses the topic of compatibility, and what it takes to stay awake and aware to keep your relationship moving forward. The sun may seduce you into taking naps, but at least you'll know what you'll be waking up to.

Many singles have written to me complaining that the people that they desire as life partners do not necessarily desire them. As you will see from the questions that I’ve selected, the writers are aware of an “imperfection” or “limitation” within themselves and want to find a way to be accepted despite them.

Q. I am a divorced 58 year old man with no children. At some point during the dating process the topic of money comes up and rightly so. However I have found the women I go out with make financial demands beyond my level. Why can’t women see the many other contributions I can make to a relationship rather than judging me solely on my finances? Mike

Q. How can I find a male partner a little over 70 who isn't looking for chicks? The other day I saw an ad on the net -- a man over 70 seeking a spouse between 18-30. I have not met many viable candidates although I have so much to offer. All, except youth.Sue

Q. At 5’2-1/2”, I am shorter than the average American woman and man. Although I am thin and strive to keep in decent physical condition, it is difficult for me to find women who’ll date me. Even when I go to an event and have an enjoyable conversation for an extended period of time, most will refuse to date me when I ask them out. They say that they are looking for someone who is 5’8” or taller. I am becoming discouraged. How do I cope with the reality of my height? Peter

I had been asked to write an article about the dating challenges and opportunities for people who are "middle-aged and beyond." Many are widowed or divorced, and it's important to acknowledge that their previous experiences with marriage, whether good or bad, can impact one's dating relationships.

“Middle-aged and beyond” is a very difficult age group to define. While Jewish philosophy believes that we are all capable, and should, live to be 120, that would make middle-aged to be around 60. However, with current life expectancies in the 80?s, “middle aged” is actually considered to be around 40 years of age.

Since most men and women in their forties prefer not to be labeled “middle-aged,” I think it preferable to discuss the dating challenges and opportunities of “older singles.” While I hesitate attaching a specific chronological age range to define even that, what I say below can actually apply to singles of all ages.

Typically however, older singles are dating because they have re-entered the dating scene after a divorce or death of a spouse, or they have never married and are continuing the search for a life partner that began when they were younger.

As many singles have discovered, "virtual" dating is very different than "actual" dating.

Q. About 6 weeks ago I met a man on a website who lives 1,000 miles away. After emailing each other, we moved to talking on the phone. We are both divorced, and have many common experiences, interests and life goals. We have even talked about what our lives would be like if we got married. He is in a much better position to travel to meet me, but it hasn?t happened yet. In the meantime, he emails me every day, even sends romantic “e-cards,” and says very endearing things when we speak on the phone. I know that I like him a lot, but I?m confused and uncomfortable because I’m afraid he?s falling in love with me. I don’t know what is appropriate without having met him yet. Any suggestions?

A. If you had met this man in person prior to being geographically separated, you’d have much more to go on, and build on, by staying in contact virtually. It’s understandable that you’d be confused since your relationship has no actual, physical ground on which to stand. This is because the internet and telephone can create environments where it is easier to let down your guard and create a “pseudo-intimacy.”