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Fascinated, yet unable to fully concentrate because the music was so loud, she agreed to talk with me again to explain how academics view the experience of communicating with the opposite sex. My ultimate motive was to obtain information that could be helpful for singles while dating to find a life partner relationship. A week later, Dr. Merkin and I spoke for a one hour telephone interview.

Dr. Merkin began by explaining that one of the reasons why men and women have difficulty communicating with each other is because they were "acculturated" differently. In other words, they grew up in different "cultures." While we don't usually think of gender as a separate "culture," one well-known communication theory contends that even if boys and girls do attend coed schools, they will still play and socialize separately. Consequently, males and females grow up in gender-specific groups, each with their own culture, and ultimately their own styles of communication.

Dear Dr. Love Coach, I am about to propose to a woman I've known for 15 years. We were friends in college, married other people, but now both of us are divorced. What I'm wondering is this -- Is it proper for me to ask about her past relationships and/or sex life ? If so, what types of questions are okay? George

Dear George, I'm a little surprised that you're asking for permission to inquire into your girlfriend's relationship history this late in the game. My question to you is this -- What difference would it make if you had this information? My hope is that the answer would be "not much." So is it "proper" for you to ask about her past relationships and/or sex life? At this point, I'd have to say "no," yet with a caveat.

Before you propose, you can ask her if there is anything in her relationship history, or something that she learned in a previous relationship, that she thinks would be important for you to know. An example might be, "Well, my previous husband refused to help around the house which was a big source of arguments between us. So I need you to know that making the effort to keep things tidy is very important to me."

Basically, the focus needs to be on sharing historical information that would have potential relevance in your current relationship. I get concerned when I hear about singles engaging in long conversations with a potential dating partner about what led to the destruction of their previous relationships. And sometimes they haven't even met yet!

Dear Janice, An old fraternity brother called to tell me that his younger sister was moving to my city. He asked that I show her around and introduce her to good people and families. When we met and hung out together, we had a lot of fun and discovered that we shared similar interests and “philosophies” about life. I’m interested in seriously dating her. When I spoke with my friend/her brother about it, he said he didn’t mind, but that it was really up to his sister, but she told him that she’s only interested in me as a friend. I’m hoping that by continuing to do things together that she’ll come to like me as more than a friend. After all, it’s a big city and she could use someone to help her find her way through it. I think that could get her to like me in a romantic way. Do you think my plan can work? Ira

Ira -- This is not the first time I’ve heard about a man hoping to get to a woman’s heart by befriending her first. On paper, the plan actually makes sense since women are more inclined to be attracted to a man by way of his inner, emotional qualities. However, I am not a big fan of any behavior that is duplicitous, or manipulative, and that’s exactly how this strategy appears to me. If a man is honestly interested in dating a woman, then he should make his intentions known by asking her out on a real date. If he wants to spend meaningful time together, then just hanging out or doing something “as friends” ends up looking like “stealth dating.”

Q. I just broke up with a guy I had been dating for nine months. We got along well on many levels, but realized that we couldn't be "life partners." So much of the relationship was good, but the arguing made it bad. While I'm willing to give up the sex and the hope for a future together, I don't want to give up our friendship. We enjoy many of the same things and I would miss sharing them with him. Can't we be "just friends" while I search for the guy who will be "Mr. Right?" Allyson

A. Maintaining a platonic relationship with someone you used to date is frequently the source of confusion and frustration. So much of your energy had been invested in this person, which makes severing only some of it very tricky. But if you really want to create a life partner relationship with someone who meets all of your needs, then I suggest it is best NOT to be friends with your ex.

Trying to maintain a friendship with someone with whom you had been physically intimate is especially challenging. That's because sex is like "superglue" -- it's easy to get stuck, but extremely difficult to get unstuck.

I realize that it can be very challening and confusing to attract and find your Mr. or Ms. Right. Yet no matter how much I talk about the importance of communication and mutual consideration in a relationship, I keep getting asked questions about "chemistry."

Last year, I wrote two articles that are on my website:"Chemistry & Consciousness, part 1" and Chemistry & Consciousness, part 2." They explain, in depth, my take on the science of attraction and the psychology of love. I describe how the phenomena of chemistry is actually a paradox-- while you obviously want to have chemistry with your partner, it can also be an obstacle preventing you from adequately evaluating if someone would actually make a good partner for you.

So more than a year later, I'm presenting my answers to two questions that I recently received, which I hope will help explain "Chemistry, Redux."

Q. I read your last newsletter with interest as I felt it spoke to the situation I find myself in. I was able to relate to the two examples of relationships. I'd like to know how you would define "passion and excitement" in a relationship. I feel that my definition is colored by the many romance movies and novels out there that depict the "lightening boom" upon seeing the person you're dating. Can't passion and excitement grow if the person is kind and decent and shares similar life goals? I'd like to hear your opinion on this matter. Nancy

A. A lot has been written over the centuries in an endeavor to define "passion and excitement" in a relationship. I had attempted to do just that in creating the "One Minute Quiz to Evaluate a Potential Soulmate" in the area of determining Chemistry/Physical compatibility. This is where I ask, "Do you feel an attraction, an excitement about this person? Do you fantasize about this person, or can you imagine being with this person in a sexual way?" (Send me an email to get a copy.)

So let's say that you've been following your road map for awhile now. You're out there in the dating scene, meeting members of the opposite sex online and in person, making conscious decisions about who to date, and (hopefully) using the "One Minute Quiz for Evaluating a Potential Soulmate" as a guide.

And then you get to the third or fourth date with someone. That's when you start noticing how some aspects of your dating partner don't fit with the vision you have of your ideal mate. For many singles, confronting this "fork in the road," is a major dating dilemma. That's because taking an unanticipated turn onto an unknown road toward finding a life partner can be confusing and scary. This is the point when I've seen many singles quickly, and even carelessly, reject someone who could have made a suitable partner.

The challenge at this stage of dating is to look long and hard at the actual live person you're dating and determine what aspects of your ideal relationship vision are mandatory, and which are negotiable. Truthfully, I don't suggest that you do this on your own. It takes a coach or a mentor, an objective person whom you trust, to help you determine the pros and cons of the person you?re dating. Without help, you run the risk of listening to that little voice in your head saying, "Hey, break up with this person. S/he doesn't match up! You'll only be settling for less!"

I believe that "settling for less" inaccurately describes the experience of singles having to compromise some of the characteristics they seek in their ideal mate. To best explain the choices one faces when confronting a "fork in the road," here are a couple of examples:

But it looks like this hasn't been enough, because I've been receiving a lot of letters lately asking questions like: "Why can't I meet the kind of women I want to date?" and "What's wrong with me that I end up dating men who don't care about the same things I do?"

These types of questions are indicative of a problem in what is called the "attraction" phase of dating -- making sure that once you are "ready" to date, you will attract the kind of people who can meet your needs and requirements in a relationship. Understanding what it takes to attract the kind of people you want to date will require creating what I call a "dating road map."

What is a "dating road map?" It's exactly that -- a map or a plan for describing, finding and attracting the person you want for a life partner. Having a dating road map helps to guide you and to keep focused on your ultimate destination of attaining the relationship you want. The alternative? Well, you could choose to simply wait for Prince or Princess Charming to drop magically into your life.

Creating your dating road map starts with describing your "ideal mate" using the framework I initially presented in my Money, Honey article.

Adam is 37 years old, single, and a successful financial analyst. Adam has a track record of picking quality people to work with and profitable business ventures to pursue. Hence, he has created a loyal group of colleagues and clients who trust that whatever project Adam invites them to participate in, they will all profit. Celia, a 47 year old medical researcher, was happily married for 20 years before her husband suddenly died. Celia subsequently poured herself into her work and made many significant contributions to science. She has such a good name in her scientific community that she is frequently invited to meetings and conferences to share her discoveries, and to participate in other important research projects.

Both Adam and Celia derive a great deal of gratification and pleasure from their professional pursuits. But neither of them is totally happy in their lives. Despite their professional accomplishments, Adam and Celia share a secret: they each long for a loving companion, a partner with whom to share their successes, and their lives.

Celia's desire to remarry prompted her to join an online dating website. She dedicated herself to creating a profile to attract the kind of men she wanted to meet. Rather than use the personnel photo from her research institution, she invested in professional photos that reflected her passion and her spirit. She also asked people she knew to arrange blind dates, and began to attend events where she could meet other singles sharing her interests.

Adam knew that he'd have to make finding a life partner a priority, and that dating would require his best time management skills. He crafted an effective online dating profile, learning that being specific about what he wanted could also assist various family members and business partners to suggest women for him to date. He was diligent about making email and phone contacts and scheduling in-person dates. If Adam had to travel for business, he tried to schedule dates to meet women that he had screened ahead of time.

Adam and Celia discovered the dating process to be a rocky road.

More importantly however, are you sure to be scheduling time with people who are important to you? Or could potentially be important to you? If you are single and looking to build a relationship with a life partner, then it may require re-prioritizing some of the activities that you're currently "busy" with. Here are two examples of what I mean:

Q. After exchanging a few emails and phone calls with a man I met online, we finally met in person. We get along great and I believe that we have the potential to develop a deeper relationship. The problem is -- he says he wants to date me, but he is always busy with something else. He works out 4 to 5 times a week, is active in continuing education, is involved with his kids, and frequently has late business meetings. It looks like dating is not a priority for him. I know that he likes me, and I like him a lot too, but I don't know what to think. Please help! Arlene

A. If one of your requirements is that the men you date have the same life goal as you -- developing a life partner relationship -- then it is important for you to determine if this man meets this requirement. If a man has made it his priority to find and create a life partner relationship, then he would carve the time out of his schedule to date you. Since he hasn't, then I say (to coin the phrase du jour) -- "he's just not that into you."

Over the past year and a half, I’ve provided you with lots of tools to help you gather necessary information and observe essential behaviors about your dating partners: The information that you obtain from “The One Minute Quiz to Evaluate a Potential Soulmate” is designed to help you determine compatibility (request the Quiz by sending an email to Info@FocusedCoachingServices.com); while "The Top Ten Questions to Ask a Potential Life Partner” gives you the questions you need answers to in order to determine if a dating partner qualifies as a life partner candidate.

Now that you are armed with all of this information and experience, how do you now go about deciding to get engaged?

The best place to start is with an honest evaluation of your “commitment readiness.” While there are lots of resources on this subject out on the market, I prefer to take a different approach. I suggest that you ask yourself some serious questions that take into account the “downside” of living with another person.

Some of the questions that I suggest you ask yourself are: Can I tolerate a different point of view living in the same house with me? Can I be strong for someone else when his/her health might be in jeopardy? Am I willing to share money and expenses with my partner, which will test my trust and require compromise?

These are just a few of the questions that I believe are often ignored by singles who are in a “feel-good now” relationship when they want it to become a “feel-good forever” relationship.