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Your advice was always excellent and I believe very helpful in allowing me to become engaged to the most wonderful girl! I found you to be genuinely concerned with my success.
-- J., age 42[Click here to read more]
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  Welcome to my mind! This is where I share my thoughts, reactions and experiences as your relationship coach.
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My thanks to The Relationship Coaching Institute for this synopsis of the "State of Our Unions" report from the National Marriage Project of Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey, just published in July 2005. Some key findings from this report are indicated below. In summary: The marriage rate continues to decline;
The cohabitation rate continues to increase, with a higher failure rate than marriage;
The divorce rate continues to be around 50 percent, though has declined a bit, most likely due to fewer marriages and more cohabitation;
Couples are waiting longer to get married;
Divorced people are slightly less likely to re-marry;
Lifelong singlehood has increased a bit;
Over 50 percent of couples now live together before getting married;
Couples living together without plans for marriage is increasing;
40 percent of all children will live in a cohabiting household;
28 percent of all children live in single parent families;
An increasing percentage of teenagers state that they want to get married and that having a good marriage and family is important to them.
These trends are disturbing because the problems are getting worse, not better. For example, more and more people cohabitate, which has a higher failure rate than marriage, and higher negative impact on children and families. Yet, most want a successful life partnership, and think cohabitation is a necessary first step. There is a widening gulf between:***what people want (a successful committed relationship)…
***what they do (cohabitate)…
***and the results they get (relationship failure)
So relationship coaches are needed now more than ever!
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Posted by: Janice
on Sunday, July 31, 2005
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I've come to the harsh realization that I am not a "nature girl." This is not exactly news to me, as I've kind of known it for awhile. While I've always appreciated nature -- I love looking at and appreciate trees, flowers, clouds, thunderstorms, beaches and mountains --I just don't like being in it for too long. Camping and I just don't get along -- I went to a Girl Scout camp for a weekend as a kid and couldn't get comfortable in my sleeping bag, the bathrooms were non-existent, and the food was barely edible. But mostly I just didn't like all of the dirt. I tried camping again as an adult, but the same obstacles were there and I just couldn't get past them. I avoided doing things in nature until my husband suggested we hike a short trail with another couple on a Sunday afternoon shortly after we got married. I bravely agreed, but everyone soon discovered my true feelings when I expressed my fear that I might ruin my manicure. But I enjoyed the hike and decided I was ready for another one. I got a good pair of hiking shoes so that I wouldn't complain about feeling every rock and pebble, and we were off to explore the Catskills together.
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Posted by: Janice
on Sunday, July 24, 2005
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 [To read my critiques of all episodes, go to my "Get Your Love Right!" blog.] I just finished watching the second installment of the ABC "documentary" "Hooking Up." This time I actually took notes, so as not to lose track of the different characters, I mean, "subjects." We first re-meet Cynthia who we realize is extremely superficial. She's 34, beautiful and smart, but it becomes revealed that she has a major need for sex, which obviously clouds her vision of who is going to make a good long-term partner for her, which she says she wants. We see her go out with a younger Asian professor whom she rejected quickly, which I'm sure didn't surprise anyone.I want to quickly mention Maryam, a 28-year-old art photographer. Is it just me, or did she come across as a real lush? And really needy too. I felt sooooo uncomfortable watching her on her dates that I had to find other things to do when she was on. She is an example of what NOT to do in internet dating -- agree to meet someone who says he doesn't want a long-term relationship if that is what YOU want! In my professional opinion, get this woman to a good psychotherapist fast! One of the bright spots in the show was meeting Kelly -- a 35-year-old 2nd grade teacher who is tall, blond, athletic, confident and oh so competitive. It's fun watching her date Steve, who is smart, has good looks AND big bucks. You can see that he's into her pretty quickly, while she tries to "figure him out."
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Posted by: Janice
on Friday, July 22, 2005
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[To read my critiques of all episodes, go to my "Get Your Love Right!" blog.] I watched the first episode in what ABC News touts as a "documentary," -- the series "Hooking Up." It follows 11 single women in their search for Mr. Right. While the series is supposed to be a study of internet dating, it doesn't focus on how these women sort and screen the various profiles they study, as much as it does on the actual live dates the women go on. We met 4 of the 11 women in the first episode, and I can tell that each are already being stereotyped or "niched" by the producers. Claire is a pretty and perky 26 year old who we follow on dates with 3 guys she meets on the internet. The first guy seems nice and normal enough, but she deduced that he wasn't exciting enough for her when he got a plain vanilla Mr. Softee. She then meets Josh, and it seemed that because they had music in common and her friends liked him, she really dug him. I couldn't hear much of their conversations, either because they didn't have much to really talk about, or because she was too busy hugging and kissing him. Josh eventually sent an email breaking up with her, and interestingly, I heard more from him explaining why than when he was actually with her. Jennifer is a 36 year old doctor who is so suspicious of what men will think of her if she actually posted her real name, profession and picture that she's going down a rabbit hole fast. She doesn't realize that if she wants the guy to like her for her, then she's gotta be more forthcoming -- show enough of herself for a guy to react to her honestly. How much can you judge what's going on in your interaction if you're just judging and not sharing? Sheesh! Amy is in her late 20's, having moved to NYC from South Dakota to fulfill her ambitions . . . as a real estate agent?!
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Posted by: Janice
on Friday, July 15, 2005
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I'm still trying to figure out why I'm having difficulty with being the commuting parent and being alone for 3 - 4 days during the week, which I posted about here. I've come up with one theory so far, and it's this -- while I certainly don't miss the aggravation, I miss the physical attention and affection. And I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about the closeness that comes in the physical form of hugging. Yep -- I'm a big hugger and my children especially know that and, thankfully (so far), appreciate it and reciprocate. Now I know why people, especially singles, get pets, usually dogs and cats. They offer lots of physical affection that I am now convinced is so necessary to a human being's existence. To go without it for long periods of time must definitely have an effect, wouldn't you think? Well, I'm back up in the mountains now and waiting for the kids to come home from camp. I'll be getting my hugs soon and, oh yeah, giving them too!
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My friend and fellow coach Kathryn Lord posted her view of the "Single Life" on her blog as her husband has been away on business in, of all places, Bulgaria. She writes, "Having someone who cares, who is willing to talk through daily minutiae, helps with problem solving, and just generally gives verbal and real hugs -- what a gift in the otherwise lonely journey of life." Being the "commuting parent" this summer -- I work in the city during the week while my husband and children are in our summer home in the mountains -- I could certainly empathize with her. At first I looked forward to having time to myself to work uninterrupted and do some fun or pampering things before traveling up to the family on Fridays. But after about 3 hours of solitude at home, I noticed that I missed the pandemonium -- all of it. I was stunned. It took me a very long while to realize just what Kathryn said -- that having someone to share your life with is a "gift in the otherwise lonely journey of life." I began to imagine what it must be like for many singles who have spent many years living alone -- exclusively following their own to-do list every day. While completing my own to-do list each day can be gratifying, I realized that I need my husband and family around to care for and give to, adding dimensions to my life that don't exist when I'm alone.
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Posted by: Janice
on Saturday, July 02, 2005
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I did a lot of driving this week. Manhattan is not the best place to own a car. Most people who live here don't own one if they don't have to -- street parking is frequently difficult and parking lots can be expensive. When I moved here from L.A. to get married, I sold my car (using the proceeds to pay the movers), and felt the freedom of being a non-car owner. Buses, subway trains and taxis got me to where I was going fast, and I didn't stress the traffic and road hogs. If we ever need a car to get out of Manhattan, we rent, as rental rates are competitive. We moved our household up to our summer home high in the Catskill Mountains last week, and so we rented a car. I was the parent designated to drive one of our daughters to sleep-away camp (located on the other side of the mountains), and then return back to NYC. I drove a little more than 300 miles over the course of 5 1-2 hours. When I was single,.I never would have imagined that I'd be driving all over the state of New York as a wife and mother. I was the queen of the California freeways, and had just assumed that I'd be married and raising children there, shlepping them on the roads I knew so well. But we all know that's not how my life turned out. That's because I took a risk and agreed to go out on a date, just one, with a New Yorker. I've written a lot about my long-distance courtship (which you can read about on my blog) and subsequent marriage to my husband, Richard.
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Posted by: Janice
on Friday, July 01, 2005
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 Did you know that women are not the only ones with a "biological clock?" It turns out that men "have an internal biological clock that makes them want to procreate" as well. In the May 3, 2005 edition of New York Magazine, Amy Sohn revealed how more men are looking at the women they date as the ticket to fatherhood. Sohn refers to Dr. Harry Fisch's bookThe Biological Clock, pointing out that men begin to feel the ticking of their biological clock in their mid-thirties. Dr. Frisch says men older than 35 are twice as likely to be infertile as men 25 and younger, and as they age, the genetic quality of their sperm declines significantly too. So without realizing it, men may be responding to their bodies. This does not mean that men are looking to get married which, she suggests, men see as "a form of tyranny." They hear the call to fatherhood usually at brises and baby namings, not weddings, as women typically do. These men who covet children frequently get rebuffed when they revel their desires to the women they're dating. Sohn describes a man she used to date as now craving children. He sounds like the kind of guy that Peter Hyman, author of the essay collection The Reluctant Metrosexual, who has become "Maclarenized": He sees expensive strollers and knows them the way some men know speaker systems.
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Posted by: Janice
on Monday, May 02, 2005
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 I learned from a press release that a poll taken by TrueDater.com found online daters are more likely to misrepresent weight and physical appearance in their profiles. The poll found that singles were more likely to exaggerate or lie about weight and overall physical appearance at a greater frequency than they would about height, age, income and marital status. Here's the deal -- TrueDater.com is a free, anonymous web site where online daters can review and share information about the truthfulness of people's dating profiles on a variety of dating websites, such as Match.com and Jdate.com. Reviews include both positive recommendations of "TrueDaters" who accurately represent themselves, as well as notices of daters whose profiles might be misleading or inaccurate. TrueDater.com "helps people share critical facts about their next potential blind date, helping to determine how honest their profile, pictures and personality really are," stated Jason Jordan, TrueDater Co-Founder.
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Posted by: Janice
on Friday, April 29, 2005
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