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I owe you a big THANK YOU. . . you were instrumental in helping me get engaged to a wonderful man by keeping me focused on the right things. I would definitely recommend your professional help to others.
-- Angie[Click here to read more]
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  Welcome to my mind! This is where I share my thoughts, reactions and experiences as your relationship coach.
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 [To read my critiques of all episodes, go to my "Get Your Love Right!" blog.] I just finished watching the second installment of the ABC "documentary" "Hooking Up." This time I actually took notes, so as not to lose track of the different characters, I mean, "subjects." We first re-meet Cynthia who we realize is extremely superficial. She's 34, beautiful and smart, but it becomes revealed that she has a major need for sex, which obviously clouds her vision of who is going to make a good long-term partner for her, which she says she wants. We see her go out with a younger Asian professor whom she rejected quickly, which I'm sure didn't surprise anyone.I want to quickly mention Maryam, a 28-year-old art photographer. Is it just me, or did she come across as a real lush? And really needy too. I felt sooooo uncomfortable watching her on her dates that I had to find other things to do when she was on. She is an example of what NOT to do in internet dating -- agree to meet someone who says he doesn't want a long-term relationship if that is what YOU want! In my professional opinion, get this woman to a good psychotherapist fast! One of the bright spots in the show was meeting Kelly -- a 35-year-old 2nd grade teacher who is tall, blond, athletic, confident and oh so competitive. It's fun watching her date Steve, who is smart, has good looks AND big bucks. You can see that he's into her pretty quickly, while she tries to "figure him out."
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Posted by: Janice
on Friday, July 22, 2005
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[To read my critiques of all episodes, go to my "Get Your Love Right!" blog.] I watched the first episode in what ABC News touts as a "documentary," -- the series "Hooking Up." It follows 11 single women in their search for Mr. Right. While the series is supposed to be a study of internet dating, it doesn't focus on how these women sort and screen the various profiles they study, as much as it does on the actual live dates the women go on. We met 4 of the 11 women in the first episode, and I can tell that each are already being stereotyped or "niched" by the producers. Claire is a pretty and perky 26 year old who we follow on dates with 3 guys she meets on the internet. The first guy seems nice and normal enough, but she deduced that he wasn't exciting enough for her when he got a plain vanilla Mr. Softee. She then meets Josh, and it seemed that because they had music in common and her friends liked him, she really dug him. I couldn't hear much of their conversations, either because they didn't have much to really talk about, or because she was too busy hugging and kissing him. Josh eventually sent an email breaking up with her, and interestingly, I heard more from him explaining why than when he was actually with her. Jennifer is a 36 year old doctor who is so suspicious of what men will think of her if she actually posted her real name, profession and picture that she's going down a rabbit hole fast. She doesn't realize that if she wants the guy to like her for her, then she's gotta be more forthcoming -- show enough of herself for a guy to react to her honestly. How much can you judge what's going on in your interaction if you're just judging and not sharing? Sheesh! Amy is in her late 20's, having moved to NYC from South Dakota to fulfill her ambitions . . . as a real estate agent?!
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Posted by: Janice
on Friday, July 15, 2005
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I'm still trying to figure out why I'm having difficulty with being the commuting parent and being alone for 3 - 4 days during the week, which I posted about here. I've come up with one theory so far, and it's this -- while I certainly don't miss the aggravation, I miss the physical attention and affection. And I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about the closeness that comes in the physical form of hugging. Yep -- I'm a big hugger and my children especially know that and, thankfully (so far), appreciate it and reciprocate. Now I know why people, especially singles, get pets, usually dogs and cats. They offer lots of physical affection that I am now convinced is so necessary to a human being's existence. To go without it for long periods of time must definitely have an effect, wouldn't you think? Well, I'm back up in the mountains now and waiting for the kids to come home from camp. I'll be getting my hugs soon and, oh yeah, giving them too!
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My friend and fellow coach Kathryn Lord posted her view of the "Single Life" on her blog as her husband has been away on business in, of all places, Bulgaria. She writes, "Having someone who cares, who is willing to talk through daily minutiae, helps with problem solving, and just generally gives verbal and real hugs -- what a gift in the otherwise lonely journey of life." Being the "commuting parent" this summer -- I work in the city during the week while my husband and children are in our summer home in the mountains -- I could certainly empathize with her. At first I looked forward to having time to myself to work uninterrupted and do some fun or pampering things before traveling up to the family on Fridays. But after about 3 hours of solitude at home, I noticed that I missed the pandemonium -- all of it. I was stunned. It took me a very long while to realize just what Kathryn said -- that having someone to share your life with is a "gift in the otherwise lonely journey of life." I began to imagine what it must be like for many singles who have spent many years living alone -- exclusively following their own to-do list every day. While completing my own to-do list each day can be gratifying, I realized that I need my husband and family around to care for and give to, adding dimensions to my life that don't exist when I'm alone.
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Posted by: Janice
on Saturday, July 02, 2005
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I did a lot of driving this week. Manhattan is not the best place to own a car. Most people who live here don't own one if they don't have to -- street parking is frequently difficult and parking lots can be expensive. When I moved here from L.A. to get married, I sold my car (using the proceeds to pay the movers), and felt the freedom of being a non-car owner. Buses, subway trains and taxis got me to where I was going fast, and I didn't stress the traffic and road hogs. If we ever need a car to get out of Manhattan, we rent, as rental rates are competitive. We moved our household up to our summer home high in the Catskill Mountains last week, and so we rented a car. I was the parent designated to drive one of our daughters to sleep-away camp (located on the other side of the mountains), and then return back to NYC. I drove a little more than 300 miles over the course of 5 1-2 hours. When I was single,.I never would have imagined that I'd be driving all over the state of New York as a wife and mother. I was the queen of the California freeways, and had just assumed that I'd be married and raising children there, shlepping them on the roads I knew so well. But we all know that's not how my life turned out. That's because I took a risk and agreed to go out on a date, just one, with a New Yorker. I've written a lot about my long-distance courtship (which you can read about on my blog) and subsequent marriage to my husband, Richard.
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Posted by: Janice
on Friday, July 01, 2005
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 Did you know that women are not the only ones with a "biological clock?" It turns out that men "have an internal biological clock that makes them want to procreate" as well. In the May 3, 2005 edition of New York Magazine, Amy Sohn revealed how more men are looking at the women they date as the ticket to fatherhood. Sohn refers to Dr. Harry Fisch's bookThe Biological Clock, pointing out that men begin to feel the ticking of their biological clock in their mid-thirties. Dr. Frisch says men older than 35 are twice as likely to be infertile as men 25 and younger, and as they age, the genetic quality of their sperm declines significantly too. So without realizing it, men may be responding to their bodies. This does not mean that men are looking to get married which, she suggests, men see as "a form of tyranny." They hear the call to fatherhood usually at brises and baby namings, not weddings, as women typically do. These men who covet children frequently get rebuffed when they revel their desires to the women they're dating. Sohn describes a man she used to date as now craving children. He sounds like the kind of guy that Peter Hyman, author of the essay collection The Reluctant Metrosexual, who has become "Maclarenized": He sees expensive strollers and knows them the way some men know speaker systems.
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Posted by: Janice
on Monday, May 02, 2005
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 I learned from a press release that a poll taken by TrueDater.com found online daters are more likely to misrepresent weight and physical appearance in their profiles. The poll found that singles were more likely to exaggerate or lie about weight and overall physical appearance at a greater frequency than they would about height, age, income and marital status. Here's the deal -- TrueDater.com is a free, anonymous web site where online daters can review and share information about the truthfulness of people's dating profiles on a variety of dating websites, such as Match.com and Jdate.com. Reviews include both positive recommendations of "TrueDaters" who accurately represent themselves, as well as notices of daters whose profiles might be misleading or inaccurate. TrueDater.com "helps people share critical facts about their next potential blind date, helping to determine how honest their profile, pictures and personality really are," stated Jason Jordan, TrueDater Co-Founder.
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Posted by: Janice
on Friday, April 29, 2005
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Here are the signs indicating that Spring is indeed here: I'm wearing my raincoat more often; I'm sneezing whenever I venture outside; and I'm frequently awakened by birds' singing in the mornings (I find their chirping a bit annoying, I'm sorry to admit). I remember a couple of years ago that I noticed little buds on our neighborhood trees at this time of year, and I screamed out excitedly, "Look at the buds! Look at the buds!" It actually comes out "Lukitdabuds, lukitdabuds!" but my kids understood and it's become a mantra of sorts in our family ever since. Everything has to come together to bring Spring. First, the land thaws from the increasing warmth. Then the crocus and forsythia pop out through the mud and bloom. We then see buds, flowers and ultimately little green leaves on the trees. It really feels like a newly discovered miracle to me every year. When I talk with singles who have found their life partners, they usually acknowledge how much of a "miracle" it was that they got together. Did you know that making matches is considered a miracle more difficult than parting the Red Sea? Yep, and many singles today would agree! But while I say that it frequently requires divine intervention to find your soulmate, singles shouldn't rely on it entirely. You need to be proactive, get everything together, and create your "dating road map" before embarking on your search.
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Posted by: Janice
on Wednesday, April 20, 2005
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(Click here for Example #1.)Around 10 months ago I received an email from a divorced man I knew telling me about a dating situation he was experiencing with a women, a widow with a young child. While they got along well and had many things in common, she was left financially bereft by the death of her husband. My friend had been a highly successful businessman who himself had fallen on hard times prior to meeting the widow. While it made sense for the two of them to get engaged, the woman hesitated, putting a great deal of emphasis on the man's current unstable earnings; she didn't want to have to struggle financially, and wanted to stay home with her child and hopefully have more. I suggested that he read my article "Caught in a Trap" where I recommended to a man with unstable finances that he should still date with the goal of marriage, as he was ambitious and had known financial success in the past, major predictors for financial success in the future. He wrote me back, saying that he believed the woman to have a "deep-seated insecurity that can't be dealt with by telling her what the proper values are in choosing a mate. Her father abandoned the family when she was 3 yrs old. Now that she is widow with baby, and does not want to work, her insecurity on this is even greater. . . .She has no reason to believe in my viability as a breadwinner, even though you do." They continued to see each other but ultimately broke up over this exact issue after dating for about 8 months. Wondering what had happened, I recently received this email --"Just wanted to tell you that of course you were right about the widow I was dating so long . . . . I do have a good job now with _______. Didn't make any difference with her, it was a neurosis about money, not just her being 'practical.' (But I felt I had to play it out.)" Here are some insights to be gleaned from this example.
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Posted by: Janice
on Sunday, April 10, 2005
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