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Thank you Dr. Janice for helping me become engaged!... Everyone who is dating for marriage needs a coach like you...
-- SG[Click here to read more]
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  Welcome to my mind! This is where I share my thoughts, reactions and experiences as your relationship coach.
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I was featured on the Women Aloud radio program yesterday, and discussed the phenomena of long distance dating with hosts Mo Gaffney and Shana Wride and their listeners. Were you one of them? I hope so! But if not, here's some of what I had to say. Long distance dating is more common these days (due to the internet's "shrinking" of geographical borders and boundaries), so singles can meet someone living down the street as easily as someone living across the country. While long distance dating can present challenges, I gave some tips for how to deal with them -- 1. Couples should make the effort to see each other in person as often as possible;
2. Be sure that the two of you have agreed on an "end" goal for the relationship -- whether it's to just get together when it's convenient to have some fun, or to eventually live in the same city and continue dating, or to see if you want a committed relationship, even marriage;
3. When you aren't able to be together, make the effort to stay in frequent contact. For example, make a schedule as to when you'll talk on the phone ( "phone dates") when you can discuss the events and experiences of your day . . .
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Posted by: Janice
on Thursday, November 30, 2006
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 I had to state my disbelief after reading Michael Noer's article "Don't Marry Career Women" at Forbes.com. He writes about a recent study in Social Forces, a research journal, that found that "professional women are more likely to get divorced, more likely to cheat, less likely to have children, and, if they do have kids, they are more likely to be unhappy about it." I found these to be pretty heavy acccusations against marriage! While Noer acknowledges that men, particularly successful men, prefer to date women with similar interests and aspirations,. this is good only up until marriage because -- "the more successful she is the more likely she is to grow dissatisfied with you." The problems with these conclusions can be found in the Social Forces journal Noer cites. First of all, the study uses a very wide criteria for their definition of a "career woman" -- "[She] has a university-level (or higher) education, works more than 35 hours a week outside the home and makes more than $30,000 a year." Secondly, the marital problems associated with women who work outside of the home are concluded to be due to their lack of attention to women's traditional in-home jobs. Nobel laureate Gary S. Becker is cited as stating that the "labor specialization" in a marriage decreases when both spouses have careers. Consequently, less of the total needed household work gets done, making life harder for both partners. So the overall value of the marriage is lower and divorce therefore becomes more likely.
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Posted by: Janice
on Thursday, August 24, 2006
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I hope I don't get in trouble, but I found the July 2006 issue of Glamour magazine while waiting for an appointment, and loved this great top ten list compiled by Eliza Marston. I got a copy of it and am posting it for you here, with the request that you don't fink me out! Guess which ones are my favorites? "10 bad guys worth dating anyway"
1. The Much Older Man, to get that creepy Dad thing out of your system.
2. The Too-Good-Looking-for-Me guy, because those are your insecurities talking, and you should tell them to shut up!
3. The Dumb Jock, because there's a lot to be said for endurance.
4. The Potentially Gay Guy, for the potentially forever friendship.
5. The Pretentious Intellectual. If nothing else, you'll have the whole who-vs.-whom thing solved forever.
6. The Euro Snob. Steal his fancy bath products!
7. The Non-Committal Guy, because he's a rite of passage that will bond you with every other woman on earth.
8. The Guy Who Needs to Be Saved, to teach you that you can't do that for anybody.
9. The Money-Hungry Bastard. You'll quickly scratch "rich" off your wish list.
10. The Cute-but-Dorky Guy, because in the long run, dorky might not matter.
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Growing up as children of Jack Drandell was like living with a celebrity, although my two brothers and I didn't know it at the time. We were known as the kids who lived in the big white house on Thayer Ave. that my dad had painted distinctly with green shutters and a red door.
We were known as the kids whose freezer was always stocked with bagels and rye bread, and the family that gave out toothbrushes, instead of candy, to trick-or-treaters on Halloween.
By the time we entered junior high school, we began to be "spotted" by our classmates after attendance was taken. They would ask me, "Are you Dr. Drandell's daughter?" After answering in the affirmative, I was frequently told, "Well, he's my orthodontist, and he's so mean! The last time I saw him he tightened my braces so tight, and he didn't care!" But after people heard my last name when I was in college and graduate school, they would show me their teeth and say, "Look, your dad gave me the nicest smile."
Jack Drandell, D.D.S. was born in 1924 in Struthers, Ohio, the youngest child of Mary and Harry Drandell, who had previously immigrated separately from Poland with their daughter Freda. Along with his older brother, Milton, the family survived the depression and eventually settled in Dallas, Texas.
Jack attended Southern Methodist University where he obtained a Bachelor's degree in Engineering. He moved to Los Angeles, California and worked for North American Rockwell, designing state-of-the-art airplanes. It was while in Los Angeles that he met and married my mother, Annette, who had earned a master's degree in nutrition and dietetics from UCLA. Jack and Annette settled in Los Angeles and started their family, and I was their firstborn.
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Posted by: Janice
on Saturday, June 17, 2006
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In March, I told you the *Get a Relationship Challenge* sponsored by The Star newspaper in Toronto. Twenty singles of various ages are receiving lots of advice, free services and support so that they can actually succeed in getting a meaningful relationship. After the launch in March, the participants chose from a menu of options to pursue to begin their searches. While the participants were encouraged and directed to socialize and meet other singles, whether at dances, sporting and adventure activities, speeddating or cooking classes, this time, however, they are getting guidance and support from personal coaches. A profile of their experiences gaining strength and insight for their searches can be found at Focus on Inner Self. A few of the participants met with matchmakers, both online and in person, with resources in particular "niches." For example, Christina, signed up with an online dating service connecting Italian singles. Another participant, Tod, age 43, who felt at a disadvantage in the dating market because he "doesn't look like George Clooney," wanted a matchmaker to suggest personal introductions.
A month into the challenge, they were all learning or re-learning various dating skills, such as how to work online dating, ask a man to dance, ask a woman for her phone number, etc., but with a special emphasis on
gathering the right information to determine if someone is a good candidate for Mr. or Ms. Right; and if not, then knowing how to move on. A Month of Fun Days Wraps Up reviews their experiences. One common theme that seems to have appeared amongst the participants is the need to take things slowly. Many had complained that in the past, they let chemistry dictate the development of their relationships.
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Posted by: Janice
on Friday, May 12, 2006
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I was talking with my butcher the other day. (Yes, I have a butcher! He delivers meat and poultry to me on a monthly basis, which is extremely convenient and a big time-saver.) I was questioning an item on my last bill, and I mentioned that my husband and I were concerned about how the money we make is spent. This caused my butcher to reveal to me that in his marriage, his wife makes more money than he does and that she buys, with her salary, the groceries (except the meat and poultry, of course), her own clothes and the gifts for their children, grandchildren, etc. So if he questioned something that she bought, like blueberries out of season, she'll tell him, "Why should you care? It's not your money." Now I'm not judging this arrangement as bad or good. I'm describing it as an example of a "deal" that one couple made before getting married, as I described in my article Love Is A Big Deal, Part 1 and Part 2. My butcher and his wife made this deal about a particular aspect of their finances. She wanted to have the freedom and discretion of buying what she wanted, whether it be clothing or exotic foods, without his input. Knowing my butcher's personality, she most likely knew what she was doing! But nonetheless, he agreed to making this deal, and he seemed to advocate it to me after I told him my husband's concerns (which were also mine) about his bill. So whether or not this is the kind of deal you'll want to make with your future spouse, it's an example of how two people can and should communicate their needs, and negotiate for a deal that suits them best.
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An interesting coincidence occurred in my coaching practice this week. Two of my clients, women in their late thirties, independently confided in me that they were looking into freezing their eggs as a way of preserving their fertility. Fortunately, I knew what they were talking about as I had read an article in New York Magazine late last year that profiled New York City women looking into this exact technology. The article, Stop Time, asked "is egg freezing the next big thing for New York career women facting intertility?" When I read the article at the time, I was saddened by the lengths these women, whom I obviously did not know, were willing to go as they continued to search for a life partner. So while they preferred to have a partner with whom to have children, they saw their "biological clocks" winding down and feeling the need to do something proactive. Now that I personally know women facing this challenge, I'm finding myself struggling alongside to give them support and to help them find the answers. . . . as well as Mr. Right. Single motherhood has also been a New York topic du jour, as the New York Times Magazine recently published an article Looking for Mr. Good Sperm. A good review and discussion of this article can be found at my friend Esther's blog JDatersAnonymous. I'll be posting more soon on this topic, but in the meantime, if there's anything you think I can do to help my clients as they navigate this new territory, I invite you to post a comment here, or to contact me.
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 I'm always telling singles to ask questions of their dating partners as a way to tell if they're compatible. They should listen to what's being said and observe behaviors to help make an informed decision about a relationship's potential. High on the list of desirable qualities for both sexes is stability, and though I don't recommend doing this in the early stages of dating, the Wall Street Journal recently published the article Nine questions partners should ask each other before getting married by Jeff Opdyke in his "Love and Money" column (the link is only available to online subscribers, but if you want a copy of the article, send an email to me from the Contact Us page with your request.) In the article, Opdyke says that "in their rush down the aisle, couples often think that love will overcome any disagreements about saving and spending. It doesn't. . . . personal-finance silence eventually leads to frustration, fights and power struggles." So he suggests all newlyweds ask themselves and their partners these nine questions to get a better understanding of how you each view money -- and the role it will play in your relationship. Here are some excerpts -- 1. What are your financial assets and liabilities? This is the most basic question -- and the most difficult to discuss. Money remains such a taboo that people are disinclined to share how much they've saved, how much they earn or how much debt they've accumulated on credit cards, auto leases and such. They're even queasier asking a partner to divulge those details.
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Posted by: Janice
on Wednesday, March 29, 2006
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My husband Richard and I celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary this week, which seems just too awesome to admit. For the occasion, we went to see a popular play, "The Light at the Piazza." Mind you, we don't go to the theatre often, but I had heard it was a very good play, won several Tony awards, and so we bought the tickets a month ahead of time. You're now wondering, "So. . . how was the play? Did you enjoy it?" I must admit that I loved the sets and the scenary, loved the period costumes (1950's Italy), and thought the music, singing and acting were very good. And we had great seats in the fourth row! But I hated the story. For those of you who know me, the reason will not surprise you -- the story was about love at first sight. Blech! So while we enjoyed a rare night out together, I was reminded of two things -- #1. I don't think I can easily escape from my mission of coaching singles to find and create life partner relationships; and #2. I'll be sure to check out the actual storylines of the plays and movies I go to beforehand. (You should too!)
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