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I owe you a big THANK YOU. . . you were instrumental in helping me get engaged to a wonderful man by keeping me focused on the right things. I would definitely recommend your professional help to others.
-- Angie[Click here to read more]
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Dear Janice, I am writing because I have a problem and am tired of listening to my judgmental friends. About 3 months ago I met a great guy. He was sweet, attentive, interested in me as a person and so much fun to be around. Unlike most of the men I have dated in this city, he called when he said he would, made plans in advance and in general, was consistent with his contact. It was great and I was very happy. However, there has been a recent shift. I went out of town for 5 days and when I came back he was MIA. I called him upon return and he took 2 days to get back to me. Not ridiculous, but unusual for him. I suggested we make plans and he blew off the question. Said he would call me the next day and didn't. We haven't spoken since Thursday. Now, ordinarily I would just assume he's not that into me anymore and move on. However, I haven't met anyone that I was both mentally and physically attracted in a very long time. I am 28 and thought this had potential for a real relationship. I just don't understand how it went from great to garbage dump in days. I have been considering sending him an email. I was thinking of telling him that I noticed a shift in his behavior and while I'm not sure what is happening I still think this is worth pursuing. Is that totally desperate? He just seemed like such a genuinely good person and I can't believe that after months of dating he is pulling the slow and painful disappearing act. Please tell me if this can be salvaged. Terry Hi Terry, You ask a very good question, and the answer is simple-- it's in the "garbage dump" because it WAS great. . .and he just couldn't handle it. I'm basing this, of course, on your report that you felt a genuine connection, and your feeling that it was mutual. Because if that's truly the case, then it seems like it was too much for him to keep up. The question now remains: should you send him the kind of email you describe?
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Truthfully, I don't think you should tell him that you "noticed a shift in his behavior" and that you feel the relationship "is worth pursuing." He already knows how you feel and what you want. And gleaning from his behavior, he doesn't want to deal with it. So if you wanted to accomplish the goal of getting him to agree with you and go back to how things were, it won't happen. You'll end up just rubbing his nose in his fear and wussiness. He's already communicated what he wants, albeit in a passive-aggressive way, which is to cut things off. It's disappointing and sad, I agree, but you have to let it end this way, otherwise you will, unfortunately, sound "totally desperate." If he does eventually get in touch with you, I suggest that you simply ask him what his goals are for the relationship. Don't tell him what you think or want before you hear him out and get a sense that he could actually hear what you have to say. If you do, however, get back together, please keep in mind that he is capable of pulling a disappearing act and may do it again. Good luck!
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Posted by: Janice on Friday, March 07, 2008 - 03:00 AM
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