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Dear Dr. Janice, I met a guy 5 weeks ago and he swept me off my feet. I met him out with friends who introduced us and thought we would be good for each other. We were having a great time for the first month of our relationship -- making plans for the winter. Going out and just spending alot of time together. Then one day after all night talking to me offering to a pay a babysitter to watch my kids and everything so that I could go out and see him, calling me all night and all morning, but by afternoon that mood had all changed. He told me that he had just got out of a 5 year relationship were he was taken for everything. When I say everything I mean he bought a house for her and her 3 kids, a truck for her to drive and paied for her to go back to school. Only to find out that she was cheating on him and only stayed with him to get what she wanted. He never saw this until just now though. I mean this guy went as far as to on saturday nights he stayed home and watched the kids so she could go out. Now he is with me and doesn't know what it is like for someone to treat him nice. I know that he likes me alot and wants to be with me but how can I help him get over his fear of a relationship? After all he is the one who is calling me wanting to see me and on. He started this relationship please help me get my man's head on straight. Thanks, Anna It's pretty clear that your boyfriend went through a traumatic experience, but didn't know it until after it was all over. No wonder he's fearful and holding back with you! He has to grieve and mourn the loss of the previous relationship, especially the time, money and energy he invested into it. He sounds like a real nice guy, a generous and caring giver, but, unfortunately, he hooked up with a "taker," who didn't reciprocate and took advantage of him.
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I suggest that you let him find his way to you on his own. He has to accept his mistakes and learn to live with them. In the meantime, continue to treat him "nice," as you said. Be a giver too. He wants to be with you, so take the opportunities when you're together to let him know that he doesn't always have to be the giver, that it's okay for him to receive as well. You may find out that he doesn't really know how to receive. But you can teach him what a relationship based on mutual respect and giving is like. Give him time, and I suspect he'll appreciate receiving that as well. Good luck!
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Posted by: Janice on Tuesday, November 06, 2007 - 05:00 AM
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