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The first thing you mention is that he cheated on you when you were previously living together. For most couples, "living together" implies that you are a committed, exclusive couple, i.e., neither of you would date anyone else. Unless there was a different understanding, his "cheating" demonstrated that he did not value you and the commitment that he had made to being your exclusive partner.
Unfortunately, I can see this same lack of valuing you and your relationship in his expectation that you give him money and "support his financial pitfalls." That's a lot to ask of a spouse! This demonstrates a "me first" attitude that is antithetical to the development of a life partnership. His expectation that you give him money that he doesn't feel compelled to repay is consistent with his sense of entitlement that his needs come before your feelings. In my eyes, both of these behaviors - infidelity and expectations of hand-outs -- are forms of "cheating."
You mention that you got "back together to save the relationship (talking about marriage)" after the cheating incident. This makes me ask "why?" Whenever I hear about couples considering reuniting after a break-up, I encourage them to ask each other, "what will you do differently now to make our relationship work this time?" So while your boyfriend might have promised not to pursue other
women (the reason why you broke up before), he now confronts you with yet another manifestation of his "me first" attitude, this time as it pertains to money. So now you're asking me if it's "wrong" to think that each partner in a relationship should be financially independent, or "give in, after all we are trying to become one." Only you can make this decision. As I discussed in my article, Love is a Big Deal, Part 1, a life partnership is, in essence, a "deal" created between two people requiring negotiation and agreement on a number of important life issues. Even though you may love each other, the ability to live with the one you love requires "cutting a deal" -- reconciling what you're getting and not getting in the relationship.
Making a compromise or "trade-off" in order "to become one" can only be determined by you. Only you can know if a specific trade-off is worth it to stay in a relationship, or if it is a "deal-breaker" - a reason for ending the negotiations and, ultimately, the relationship.
Truth be told, I'd caution you about marrying someone who has yet to share the same value for money as you. Moreover, he still has young children he most likely has to provide financial support
to, and has not shown financial responsibility and/or stability in your eyes. The disparity in your personal and financial situations, and values, could continue to be a source of strife in a marriage.
As John Opdyke says in his article, "In their rush down the aisle, couples often think that love will overcome any disagreements about saving and spending. It doesn't. . . . personal-finance
silence eventually leads to frustration, fights and power struggles."
I couldn't agree more.
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Welcome !
