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Thank you Dr. Janice for helping me become engaged!... Everyone who is dating for marriage needs a coach like you...
-- SG[Click here to read more]
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Hi Janice, I have gone out on two dates with a woman and I think she has lots of potential. However, I am still getting suggestions from friends and matchmakers about other women. I'd like to give the woman that I'm currently dating a chance, but I'm continuously wondering if the other women might be better. This is obviously distracting me. What should I do? Gerry
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Gerry, You are describing a very common situation that singles experience when they are dating -- the continuous sense that there might be someone better just around the corner. This is the essence, the kernal, of what is commonly known as "committment phobia." It's a fear of committment, which starts from an inability to give whomever you are currently dating your full and undivided attention, in order to see if you can become exclusive partners.
When you determine that a woman is a viable candidate for becoming your partner, you realize that you do have to give her your full attention. It means deciding to be exclusive (i.e., not dating anyone else) which I consider a form a pre-committment. In essence you are taking yourself on the road to commitment by saying "I will make a committment to see if I should make a committment." It's only after you have gone out on enough dates to have gained sufficient enough information so that you can say, "I don't see you as a partner for me," would you end the relationship and start to date others.
This is a good strategy for a number of reasons, the main one being that if you are not fully concentrating on your dating partner, you won't be able to obtain the information you need to make a healthy decision about continuing. Being distracted keeps you from using all of your intellect and emotions to make this healthy decision, which will last a lifetime.
This means that you have to tell other people looking to introduce you that you are "busy," but that you will get back to them if you need to. This may feel strange to you, but it's the only way to rid yourself of any "commitment phobic" tendencies!
Good luck!
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Posted by: Janice on Sunday, May 09, 2004 - 04:50 PM
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