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Your coaching helped me to see that I had a healthy partnership with the man I was dating, enhanced by our good communication. And so we got engaged!
-- S.L.[Click here to read more]
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Dear Janice, I have been dating this girl for a few months. At first, things were fine but now she is not as affectionate as before. She has stopped being affectionate and intimate with me and she is real cynical about things in general. She keeps telling me to stick things out, that this is just a phase. I don't know whether to break up with her or try to stick it out like she asked. She acts like she could care less if we are in a relationship or not -- either way seems fine with her. I feel like we are at a crossroads. Are we? Doug Dear Doug, Your girlfriend is obviously expressing, through her actions, her ambivalence about being in your relationship. Since it's difficult to translate anyone's behaviors into their true meanings, you need to hear what a person says. She told you that "this is just a phase," and she requested that you "stick things out."
I agree that your girlfriend's behavior is just what she says it is -- "a phase." But it's a phase in the relationship, not what she's going through on her own. That's because relationships go through pretty predictable phases. You are right when you wonder if you are at "a crossroads," because you are. It's the end of the "lust" phase of your relationship, where the newness and excitement of being with someone new begins to wear off. . . .
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and couples then have to decide if they want to increase their level of committment -- to become more "attached." This can frequently be difficult for couples who based their relationship on sex and chemistry in the beginning rather than on mutual interests, life goals and pursuits. Most likely, your girlfriend is pulling back physically in order to figure out her feelings about you and, given her cynicism, perhaps about relationships in general as well. Rather than wait for her to decide about the future of your relationship on her own, I suggest that you have a conversation together about increasing your level of commitment, about making a future together. Talk about why you would want to be together other than for the sex. If you've read the Focused Points articles "Time: The Love Currency" and "Playmates for a Lifetime," you'll see that time, when it comes to love, is like money. To wait around until she figures things out on her own is tantamount to "stealing" your time, which could be invested, like money, in a relationship that could give you more of what you want. Good luck!
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Posted by: Janice on Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 05:00 AM
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