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I've been speaking recently with some women about "settling for less." This is a difficult area to coach on because what's acceptable to one person may not be acceptable to another. But it reminded me of a book that I bought about 5 years ago when I first started getting serious about coaching. The book is entitled Be Your Own Dating Service. A Step by Step Guide to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Relationships by Nina Atwood, M.Ed. She gives lots of good dating advice, but what I remembered was her criteria for identifying if you're in a "settling for less" relationship. Here they are (with some editing by yours truly):
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A. You have strong doubts about the relationship and your partner. You continually question the rightness of your romance, talking about it to friends and family without being able to come to a resolution.
B. You feel that something important is missing. Even if you can't put your finger on it, overall you have the sense that a vital ingredient in the relationship just isn't there.
C. You have difficulty imagining a future with your partner. You can picture this person in your life for now, but not for the long run.
D. You don't ever feel excited about the relationship. Eventually, you may grow to love the person you're with, but you never quite feel excited about the relationship or that you ever were.
E. Part of you is still looking for someone better. You tend to compare your partner with others that you meet, finding that he doesn't measure up. You think about being able to date around again.
F. You unconsciously try to drive your partner away, rather than be the "bad guy" and break it off. Instead you may unconsciously do things which upset your partner, pushing him/her away.
G. You rationalize yourself into staying. You say to yourself, "This is a good person, there's nothing wrong with him. What's wrong with me that I can't be happy? I should stay because . ."
The bottom line is that intellectually you decide to stay, but your heart's not in it.
Singles have so many fears about being alone that sometimes they will decide to "settle for less." This is an individual decision that no one can make for you. My advice is to take a business approach, that you're making a "deal." I suggest that you be extremely conscious and realistic about what you're getting and what you're not getting in the deal. When you decide to sign on the dotted line, you have to be able to do so knowing that you won't be allowed to hold any grudges in the future about what you're signing away/not getting.
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