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Dear Janice, I am a female divorcee with three sons. I met a divorced man with two sons. My
challenge is getting him to be open to personal level discussions. I like him. We share a few
attributes, especially spirituality issues. He tells me about his life, we go to the gym together, and
I am currently helping him with his studies. He is studying toward an CPA, while I am just about
to take comprehensive exams for my Ph.D. I am foreign born, while he was born in the US. My
question is: How do I get to his heart? Thanks, Julie
Dear Julie, I'm going to assume that “getting to his heart” means that
you want him to open up to you on a more emotionally intimate level. So far, your strategy appears
that you are giving, helpful and available to him, in the hopes that he will appreciate you and
reciprocate. This is difficult for someone to do if s/he is not able to “read” the needs
of another person, and be willing to take the emotional risks to fulfill that person’s needs. I need to say first off that not everyone is able to open up to their emotions. You say that
he is divorced, and so there is a reason for this. Might you know if lack of emotional intimacy was a
source of conflict in his marriage? You say that he has children. What have you observed in his
interactions with them? Does he seem attuned to their feelings and needs? Looking deeper into this
man’s history and observing his current behavior can tell you how you may, or may not, be
able to get him to open up to YOU.
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In the meantime, you can continue to role-model how
to identify and articulate your feelings and needs to others: whether they be to your own children,
other family members, or to him. I suggest that you read my Focused Points
article “Fear Factors” which describes the four levels of communication that people
go through to gradually increase intimacy. Try to avoid discussions with him about your
relationship (level 4) before making your way through, together, the previous three levels. This
will help you to determine if you are compatible on an emotional level. Please let me
know how this works out for you. Good luck!
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Welcome !
