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Janice encouraged me ask the *difficult* questions to determine if we were on the same page with regard to our life goals & desire for commitment.....Janice continues to help me navigate the ever-increasing number of decisions that must be made about our future.
-- Allison, age 37[Click here to read more]
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Dear Janice, I read the “From Virtual to Actual” article and want to know more about what you mean by “pseudo-intimacy.” When I’m dating a woman, I want it to be real, and not be fooled into thinking it is real, when it isn’t. Pete
Dear Pete, I use the term “pseudo-intimacy” to describe the level of closeness that two people feel when they have never met in person, and are only “dating” by email, I.M. and telephone. As I mentioned in my December 12th '03 post, using the telephone can help not only to gather information about your dating partner, but also as a way of increasing intimacy. When I referred to dating over the phone in that post, it presumed having already met in person. That way, talking on the phone would be a way of maintaining whatever emotional intimacy that you experienced when you met in person, and even increase it.
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Now, I can better explain what I meant when I said that dating virtually may lead to a “pseudo-intimacy.” If you haven’t met in person, you don’t know if the chemistry that you feel over the phone has any basis in reality. In other words, there has to be some real chemistry that you experience in the actual world, in order for more of it to develop when you continue to communicate in the virtual world. Unfortunately, the internet and the telephone lends themselves to create environments where it is easier to let down your defenses, and say things without having a real live person give you a reaction as to how what you said “landed” on them.
My advice to singles who meet virtually is to ALWAYS do whatever it takes to meet in person, and as soon as possible. This way, you give your feelings a chance to “check in” with your dating partner in the real world, which is where you’re gonna live together eventually, anyway, right?!
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Posted by: Janice on Wednesday, March 03, 2004 - 03:00 PM
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