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Thank you for your valuable time and coaching...Thank you for helping me to believe, to stay focused and to have faith....
-- J[Click here to read more]
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Dating someone who is not necessarily “geographically desirable”
can be a stressful and frustrating experience. I know this firsthand because I was living in Los
Angeles, and my husband was living in NYC, when we first met. We then dated “long-distance,”
which had its pros and cons. While every long-distance dating couple’s experience is
different, I have honed in on some of their similarities.
One aspect of long-distance dating that I want to emphasize is how using the telephone helps
to not only gather information about your dating partner, but also is a way of increasing intimacy.
By the latter I don't phone sex. What I mean is, by sharing aspects of your lives on a regular basis
by phone, you are able to better focus on the message and the person, while not getting distracted
by the environment, like if you were meeting in person at a restaurant or bar. [That is, unless,
there is very loud construction around you, or screaming and yelling children.]
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Intimacy is increased as you each relate stories about your day, and the feelings that they
bring up. The sharing of feelings is a "level 3" mode of communication that I described in my
Focused Points article entitled “Fear Factors.” These disclosures
may feel risky, but being on the phone can help to decrease the sense of risk-taking. That also
means that you need to do some degree of self-monitoring while talking on the phone; you know,
don’t let go of ALL of your inhibitions.
What I described here cannot be applied to dating via email or instant messaging, which are much
more impersonal. I suggest that you supplement your phone calls with email or i.m., as well as
snail mail. And try to work out your schedules to see each other in person as often as possible.
Good luck!
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Posted by: Janice on Friday, December 12, 2003 - 04:00 PM
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