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I think the work we did together, the encouragement, the advice and accountability you gave me has been incredible, wise & very valuable. I am going to continue using everything I learned in my future dating endeavors which will hopefully end soon when I get engaged :-) and married....
-- Jessie[Click here to read more]
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When I talk with singles, whether it's about their online dating profiles, their current relationship or any of the other decisions they need to make while dating, I inevitably need to know the answer to this question: What kind of relationship do you want?" I then break it down like this: Do you want a "playmate," a "companion" or a "life partner?" The answer to this question then helps to guides us to determine how to best attain the kind of relationship my client desires. What do I mean by these distinctions? Wanting a "playmate" is another way of saying that someone only wants to date for "recreational reasons." For example, if it's a man I'm working with, and he tells me that he is not interested in a commitment, then I know he is only in the relationship for gratification in the present. In this situation, singles looking for a playmate will typically stay in the relationship as long as it's fun. Once it gets complicated or someone is unhappy, they are out the door. Wanting a "companion" is a step up from having a "playmate."
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Singles looking for a companion want to have someone in their lives on a daily basis, but without the relationship necessarily heading towards a future. You know these types -- many of them have been labeled "commitment phobes" But the truth is that singles looking for a companion are happy to be with someone for the time being, and may even want to have the security offered by being exclusive. Many are willing to do the work that's necessary for both parties' needs to be met. Having a companion, however, no matter how gratifying and fulfilling it is for now, doesn't guarantee that there will be a relationship in the future. This is where singles who want a "life partner" relationship often end up getting stuck: they think that by being in an exclusive relationship, by having a "companion," that the relationship is inevitably headed towards becoming a "life partner" relationship. Unfortunately, I have frequently seen this not to be the case.
A life partner relationship begins by two people knowing that this is what they each want in their lives. It's like traveling -- you don't just get on any train and let it take you anywhere. It doesn't matter how comfortable you feel while in it, because you don't really know where you'll end up. Instead, you need to first pick your destination, and then find the right train and route to get there. That is exactly why I encourage singles wanting a life partner relationship, and even marriage, to be sure that they share this goal with their dating partner as early in the relationship as possible. I frequently suggest that singles state their relationship goals in their online profiles, for example. Make sure that the two of you are on the same path, on the same page, wanting the same thing. Knowing this sooner than later, which can turn into MUCH later, will help you to succeed in attaining your relationship goals that much quicker, and with much less pain and heartache.
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Posted by: Janice on Sunday, September 20, 2009 - 05:00 AM
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