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I finally did get married to a wonderful man... Thanks again. I will certainly recommend you to my single friends.
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Me and my boyfriend have dated for about almost 5 years now. (We are both 21) Yes, we do fight here and there like other couples, but lately the problem of his mom has changed our relationship. From my perspective, she is the worst mother there ever was. Not only did she not put food on the table, she did not clean the house, didn't remember his birthday, and wasn't financially reliable to perform the duties of billing. In this matter, I DO NOT understand her actions and thoughts and this dislike soon became hatred after a while. Although she was always VERY dependent, after my boyfriend's dad passed away, it got EVEN WORSE. To the extent where, she would complain that we shouldn't keep the door open when we sleep because she was coughing and no one woke up to get her water. After a while, I couldnt stand her and moved out hoping that ignoring her would help solve the problem, but it didnt. You might think I am crazy but when I see her or hear her voice, my head would boil in anger. I am not making my boyfriend choose but he just says things like "I love you but I cant do anything about it, just get over it. Let's just please drop it" Only if it was that easy, I would, but I can't help but be angry with anything associated with her. At first I thought I was jealous, but I realized, it's more the fact that I believe even though she is his mom, her lack of love, support, and education toward him doesn't win her the attention she demands. (To explain, my own mother passed away when I was 6 so I do not understand the bond. But I feel like if I always had a cake for my birthday, which his mom never provided, then it's better off without one that continuously disappoints.) I REALLY dont know what to do. But I am tired of her sighing when me and my boyfriend goes out, in a way making us feel guilty that we aren't home with her. I have raised this issue with him to let him know that if this does lead to marriage, we are moving to another state, where we can only visit her once or twice a year, and he was ok with it. But who am I kidding? He will probably miss her and blame me for not being able to see his mom, or if he tries to send her money in the future, my head would boil again. My boyfriend convinces me that "everything will be ok, we will move out and not have to deal with her" but who are we kidding? Marrying him is marrying his mom also. And obviously his mom isn't going to change, and he can't do anything about it, so unless I accept her, I can't find any other solutions. Please help! Xena Dear Xena, From the description of your situation, I can very much understand the frustration and angry feelings that you are experiencing. You are also astute enough to realize that your boyfriend's mother is unlikely to change, so the challenge of making peace with the situation is yours. I suggest that you start by recognizing how your boyfriend is not angry with his mother for who she is or what she did (or didn't) do for him as his mother. He does not hold any grudges, which I say is admirable. I'd also have you note that he understands your feelings and your position also, even if he himself doesn't share them. This makes it all the more clearer that dealing with his mother is actually your issue, and not his.
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I'd have to agree with you in your assessment that "marrying him is marrying his mom" because, after all, he hasn't found any reasons of his own to break off ties with her. He's willing, however, to create more distance from her because you are insisting on it. This leaves you with some difficult choices to make. I'll start by calling out the elephant in the room -- your boyfriend's mother is a narcissist to the highest degree. She sees the world as revolving around her, needs a great deal of attention and will take advantage of and manipulate others in order to get it. She lacks empathy and is easily upset when she feels slighted or ignored. Narcissists are difficult people to be around, and they will not assume any responsibilitiey for any of the difficulties others experience being around them. That being said, you have a difficult challenge in front of you. You can understand and see her for who she is -- a mentally unstable person -- and either accept her for it, or continue to be reactive and angry about it. While you don't have any control over her (or your boyfriend), you do have control over yourself. This doesn't mean that your feelings are unwarranted, because they are constantly being provoked and dismissed. It means that you can choose to indulge yourself in them and, in essence, set yourself up to compete with her, or choose not to allow her behaviors to cause you to react in kind. This is a difficult prescription to fill, since she is a difficult person and you are a young, sensitive and caring young woman. You see the injustices that she perpetrated on your boyfriend, and because you love him, you empathize with his hurt. But it would be unrealistic to think that the solution would be to just move away from her. You have to work on controlling your own reactivity first, whether you are in the same city or not. I want to invite you to contact me should you have any additional questions about what to do. I commend you for your honesty and concern, and wish you the best of luck in your relationship.
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Posted by: Janice on Saturday, May 23, 2009 - 05:00 AM
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