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Hi Janice, I've been dating my finacee for almost 5 years and am generally very happy. However, he's very absentminded about cleaning up after himself around the house -- for example, he forgets to put the dog food away after he feeds it, doesn't replace toilet paper he finishes, leaves dirty plates out and pieces of food in the sink, or leaves the bathroom a mess after he shaves (hair all over the sink / floor). When I try to address these issues with him he says he feels like I'm a nag. I want him to be comfortable to live in his own home, but I also feel resentful that he can't clean up after himself in a basic manner. He also says he feels like he does do stuff around the house that I just don't notice and he doesn't feel the need to tell me when he does something like take out the trash. Not that I don't believe him, but I've never seen him take out the trash. I try to talk to him about this in a proactive way, and he'll come back at me at say something like, " I wish I was perfect too but I can't change who I am." Is there any middle ground? Am I being unreasonable? I'm just not able to feel relaxed in a dirty home, and don't know what else I can do to try and get him to change his behavior. I tell myself that b/c he's a great guy I shouldn't mind cleaning up extra (better than a cheater!), but even so it still bugs me. Any advice would be REALLY appreciated since things are not getting any better on this front. Thanks! Ali Hi Ali, I'm assuming from your letter that you are engaged and living together, right? When you made the decision to live together, did you have any conversations about how each of you wanted the home you would share to run? Did you share what was important to both of you and how you each would be in charge of certain household needs? From the tone of your letter, or shall I say -- from the tone of frustration that I get from your letter -- I don't think that you had any kind of meaningful discussions to see where you agree, and where you disagree, on how your shared home should run, and look. Consequently, you are living in chaos. Chaos results from a lack of planning and, especially, not identifying the goals you share for living together before getting married.
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It sounds like living in chaos bothers you more than it bothers your boyfriend. This is the first area where you two don't share a similar goal. In other words, having things neat and clean is not as strong of a goal for him as it is for you. I'm sure he'd <,em>prefer a clean home, but that doesn't mean he'd regularly do things to attain that goal. You, on the other hand, believe it's an important goal, and become frustrated that he doesn't share it, but because you think he should share it, you set yourself up for frustration, disappointment and nagging. According to Neal Patrick Warren, the founder of eHarmony.com and the author of Date or Soulmate?-- couples need to be compatible in the areas of neatness and punctuality (as they are very much related), because without it, one partner will feel compelled to impose his/her standard on the other, and strife will ensue. I have included the need to explore your potential life partner's attitudes and practices about neatness and punctuality in my Top Ten Questions to Ask a Potential Life Partner (which you can request by clicking on it). In the meantime, rather than continue to nag him to live up to your goals, calmly engage him in a conversation about the standard of cleanliness and neatness you share. See where you agree and where you disagree. Attempt to identify what each of you are willing to do on your own volition. If he's unwilling to do anything on a predictable or scheduled way, or to your preferred standards, then you have the choice to do it yourself. Alternatively, you can direct the conversation into a discussion of hiring a cleaning person once a week or twice a month. If it contributes to peace in the home, then it's a small price to pay to continue to live with this otherwise great guy. Good luck!
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Posted by: Janice on Tuesday, December 30, 2008 - 05:00 AM
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