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Working with you definitely helped me get to the bottom line of what I want in a relationship, which is consideration, respect & communication. You helped me choose, in a conscious way, a relationship that helps me grow. Thank you!
-- Mona[Click here to read more]
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I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and we are truly best friends. We spend a lot of time together and enjoy the same hobbies and have the same goals. I would describe our relationship as loving and kind toward each other. I took your quiz to evaluate a soulmate [which can be obtained by requesting it here] and on every area: intellectual, emotional, spiritual I felt we are at 10 (very compatible). But here comes the dilemma: I don't feel (and hadn't felt even when I met him) that sexual spark or whatever you would call it. I'm guessing that people call it chemistry. I do find him attractive. I feel fine kissing and hugging him but to be honest, I never have the fantasy or strong desire sexually. It's not a turnoff to be with him, I just don't feel passion (as it takes a little effort). You can say the spark isn't there. Now I know you're probably thinking, we shouldn't be together. And I understand it's not fair to him but I wonder if there's any possibility that anyone's been in this situation and feelings have changed? I'm sad to think we would have to give up a relationship as it so hard to find such a good, caring man and so compatible. However, I do miss that sexual passion. I admit I wanted the relationship to work so badly I may have convinced myself it's OK to give someone a chance even though the spark isn't exactly strong. I know the solution probably seems obvious but I would love some feedback. Thank you. S. I would suggest that you start by reading my previous article What is *Settling for Less*?" because I address how the decision to stay in a relationship requires negotiation and compromise . . . to a degree. So while a single (a woman in the article and in your case) may determine that a man is kind, generous and loyal, and very compatible, the experience of chemistry often trumps them all. That's because I see compromising on chemistry mostly as a function of a woman's self-esteem. What do I mean by this?
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As I stated in the *Settling for Less* article, I saw Anna as not in touch with her own needs, which was the reason why she was "confused" about Michael and her lack of excitement when with him. Anna's belief that she should marry a man solely because he's kind, honest and decent reflected a lack of self-esteem on Anna's part, because if she believed she deserved passion and excitement in a relationship, then she would break up with Michael, no matter how nice and decent he was, and continue searching. This is often difficult for singles to understand, especially if they, like you said, ". . . wanted the relationship to work so badly I may have convinced myself it's OK to give someone a chance even though the spark isn't exactly strong." Making a trade-off, or a compromise, based on desparation, can only work out well if YOU'RE WILLING TO ACCEPT THE EVENTUAL CONSEQUENCES WITHOUT COMPLAINING. This is why I say "love is a big deal." I even wrote two articles about it! Actually, I wrote about the practice of making relationship trade-offs. You can read Love is a Big Deal, Part 1 and Love is a Big Deal, Part 2 by clicking on these links. I hope that you find them helpful in making your decision about your relationship's future. Good luck!
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Posted by: Janice on Monday, November 10, 2008 - 05:00 AM
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Comments
Lcs1285
Feb 24, 2010 - 01:42 AM
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Sounda familiar
I JUST broke up with my perfect boyfriend last week because after 8 months I still wasn't in love with him. I loved him, but I wasn't "in love". There were no sparks/ chemistry/ passion. I never initiated sex with him, because I didn't feel that drive. More than anything I felt comfortable with him and safe. He was my best friend. Yes, he was devastated when we ended it, but he is slowly getting over me and he's happy I was honest with him. This isn't the first time I have been through this. I have been trying to fall for guys for years. I am making a committment to myself that I will never settle for less anymore and neither should you.
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