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Janice encouraged me ask the *difficult* questions to determine if we were on the same page with regard to our life goals & desire for commitment.....Janice continues to help me navigate the ever-increasing number of decisions that must be made about our future.
-- Allison, age 37[Click here to read more]
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Dear Dr. Bennett, I am a 49 year-old single woman who has never been married. Last month, I began dating a widower whose spouse passed away a little over two years ago. From the beginning, Mr. B told me that he didn't want a committed relationship, just to date. He also conveyed that he knew he didn't want to get married again and felt that he couldn't love again. He was with his wife over thirty years. We talk on the phone each day for hours and see each other when we can. We have actually developed a friendship, but I am confused because he sometimes talks about meeting my family. And , in other instances, he feels he could love again. There is a shrine of his wife in one room and pictures of her throughout the house. And, he still wears his wedding band which bothers me when we go out in the public. This is my first time "dating" a man. I am usually in a one on one committed relationship. I really like Mr. B. but I feel a need to have a wall up and not allow myself to have feelings. He is a really nice guy, but he is still grieving. I understand this, but I am not sure if this is healthy for me. Please advise. I want to hang in there, but I don't want to date him for 3 years and still nothing develops. Please advise. Thanks, Jean Dear Jean, Given that women generally out-live men, it's no surprise that widowers are prime targets for older single women looking for a committed relationship. Social research has shown that men who had been happily married before are more likely marry again. I say this as a preface to my response in order to help you understand why Mr. B. says he thinks he "can love again" -- he's done it before and knows he can do it again. The million dollar question though is, "when?" The big issue, as you stated, comes down to timing. I suggest that you read previous Q's&A's How soon to date a widower? and How can I be patient with a widower? to get started. But needless to say, my best advice is to listen to what he says. If he said that he "didn't want a committed relationship, just to date," then you have to take him at his word. That's because psychological literature has found that the best way to predict someone's behavior is by listening to what they say. But this may be difficult for you, given the brief tidbits you told me about yourself.
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I mention your relationship history because as a 49 year old never married female who admittedly didn't date, you may not have developed good dating skills. If you've instead had a string of serious monogamous relationships that never turned into marriage, then knowing if a relationship is "healthy" may be like the Holy Grail for you. So the fact that this man is a widower may actually be a moot point. What's more important is determining if you are capable of dating this man in order to see if he meets your relationship goals and needs at the present time. I.e., if you're interested in finding a committed relationship, then remember that he said he wasn't in the same market. I applaud you for acknowleding that he does, indeed, need to grieve and mourn his loss. I suggest that you let him know that you're available to be his friend for now, but that when he feels he's ready to date to be sure to give you a call. If he doesn't keep in touch with you, then it's okay to check in on him from time to time to say "hi." But continue to go on with your own life and date others, and acquire those necessary dating skills. And remember -- timing is different for everyone. Good luck!,
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Posted by: Janice on Monday, December 22, 2008 - 03:00 AM
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