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I am in a relationship with a woman that I have known, albeit from a distance, for a very long time, and only really got to know on an intimate level over these past 18 months. She is 7 years younger, I am 38. I have had 3 other long term relationships ranging from 2 years to almost 5. The woman I am with now has said she is ready to spend the rest of her life with me and asked me if I felt the same. I have been reluctant to say the same as I just don't know. She claims that I am commitment phobic since I tell her I love her and want to be with her, but can't honestly say at this point I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I don't know if I am reluctant because I don't know if she is the "one" or if indeed I am commitment phobic. (I have no problem maintaining my job 6 years, another 5 years before that). (Just to throw another monkey wrench into things, this is a long distance relationship) Is it commitment phobia or not know if she is the right one? What do I do now? Thanks, Mike
Dear Mike, I believe that the reason why you are in this predicament is because you have NOT effectively used the 18 months that you've been together. Eighteen months is a long time to date someone exclusively, especially long-distance. The longer a couple is apart, and the more time that goes by, the harder it is to make the decisions required to be together in the future. In a way, I could see why your girlfriend might accuse you of being "commitment phobic" -- you may be using the physical distance as a way of avoiding emotional intimacy. Therefore, I suggest that you figure out the answers to these two questions -- #1: what more do I need to know about this woman in order to make a full commitment to her? and #2: what can I do to find a way to live, or spend more time, in the same geographical vicinity if we decide to make this commitment?
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These are not easy questions to answer, and they should ideally be answered with the input of an objective third party, such as a coach or psychotherapist. I want to emphasize that you shouldn't do nothing. Don't waste any more time! I also suggest that you request a copy of my "Five Steps to Overcoming *Commitment Phobic*" article by going to the Contact Us page. This could be an excellent tool to help you decide how to proceed. Good luck!
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Welcome !
