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Hi Janice, I have been seeing a 48 yr. old man for four months. He's been divorced for 13 years. I'm 45 and only been divorced for 8 months. He has been hurt badly two times and is gunshy of commitment. He says that he loves me a little and cares very much for me and misses me when I'm not with him. How long should I give him? We get along perfectly in every way. I love him a lot already. Should I just wait it out until he's ready? Teri Hi Teri, What your boyfriend is experiencing is not uncommon for someone with past relationship failures. So it could be a positive sign that he's "gunshy" about making a commitment with you. Hopefully he's learned from these failures and is getting clearer on what he wants and needs in a relationship. This will help him make sure those needs will be met in a relationship with you. But if he's avoiding commitment with no real reason other than by saying, "I got hurt before, so I won't get involved again," then he could benefit from reading my Five Steps to Overcoming *Commitment Phobia.* One must confront fears and take emotional risks in order to create a trusting and intimate relationship with a partner, and this FRE^E tool is available by going to the Contact Us page to request one. But you ask -- "how long should I give him? Read on --
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Four months is a long enough time to date to determine if the two of you want to be exclusive. I call this, "a commitment to see if we should make a commitment," and is a good approach for singles who might be "commitment phobic." While I don't believe in giving ultimatums, you could let him know your relationship needs and requirements, and how his avoiding and rejecting behaviors make you feel (e.g., rejected, hurt). You could, and should, attempt to initiate conversations where each of you share your relationship visions and discuss how the two of you could work together to overcome the obstacles preventing you from reaching that vision. Only you can decide how much longer you should give him. But if you've been together for four months already, and it's painful for you to feel the rejection his fear of commitment brings, despite your conversations, then see what happens over the next three months. If there's no additional movement on his part, then you should re-evaluate and move on.
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Welcome !
