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I haven't told her that I am divorced and don't plan to until we are talking about our relationship together. We haven't told each other anything about other ex's either. We are very comfortable with each other, have had some good kissing sessions but nothing further. And I haven't pressured her to go beyond making out but we are attracted to each other physically. So it seems like we are still in the developmental stage of our relationship, but how do I move it to "we are there" so I can discuss my divorce, etc. and see how she really feels about us? I have been opening up a little more each time with her, but she hasn't opened up at all to me. I want her to open up and hope to move the relationship forward. I guess I'm trying to rush this along and she is not, but I'm getting very emotional about it lately since I realize I really do like her. I just wish I knew how she feels. Is it wrong to simply ask her? Last time I tried that (4th date) I got the "we're not there yet". How do I know when we're "there" to discuss this? Thanks. I look forward to your reply. Any advice would be very welcoming. Jerry
Hi Jerry, It sounds like you have lots of burning questions that you are asking me to answer, but truthfully, only Kirsty can answer them for you. If there?s one major point that I?d like to get across to you, it?s this ? you are entitled to ask the person you are dating to clarify anything they say that you don?t understand. So when you initiated a conversation about possibly becoming monogamous, and she said she ?wasn?t there yet,? it would have been perfectly fine to have asked her, ?What do you mean by that?? She obviously has some idea in her mind as to when she feels it appropriate, as well as comfortable, talking about your relationship, but you won?t know when that is unless and until she tells you herself. In the meantime, it sounds like you?re doing lots of things right. You?re basically respecting her pace and not pushing things to go faster. But I gotta tell you, there?s a ?snail?s pace? and then there?s major avoidance. Relationships develop and deepen when two people reveal more about themselves to one another, which you can read more about my Fear Factors article. Couples start with sharing information with one another, move into sharing feelings and experiences, then sharing dreams and goals, and eventually discussing your relationship and the future. Following this formula helps both parties to actively participate in the development of their intimacy, with the expectation that where one goes, the other will follow. What you?ve noticed however, is that you?ve opened up to her emotionally (shared your feelings, which is a later stage) but she hasn?t reciprocated. While this isn?t a major red flag right now, taking the lead in this area, and seeing how she responds, is a good indicator of how capable she is in expressing her emotions, an essential and necessary skill in a relationship. You mention the need, or the expectation, to talk about your previous relationships ? your divorce in particular. Truthfully, I?m not a big believer in talking about one?s past relationship failures with a person you?re currently dating. I talk about this in my article It?s History. When singles talk about their past relationship failures, they shift the focus off of building a present, and possibly even a future, with another person. You then run the risk of having your dating partner see you as someone who is inherently rejectable. If you feel the need to disclose aspects of your relationship history, then you should do so by emphasizing what you learned, not just about yourself but also about the kind of relationship you ultimately want.
Wanting to move your relationship forward to the next level ? an exclusive, monogamous relationship -- is all good and normal. But it?s important to find out sooner than later if the two of you actually have the same relationship goals. If she continues to rebuff your desire to discuss this issue, then I?d say that it?s more than just wanting to go at a snail?s pace -- she?s actually avoiding intimacy with you. This conversation could simply begin by asking her what she means by ?there.? Then you?ll know if the two of you are even in the same ballpark in terms of feelings for one another, as well as interest in pursuing the kind of relationship you both want. Good luck!
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Welcome !
Hi - I am a 35-year old male and recently divorced, although I've been separated for 1-? years. I've been out of the dating game for 6 years but casually dated a few others until I met Kirsty at a speed dating event. We have gone on 5 real dates so far (over the last two months due to travel, other commitments etc.) and I just can't tell how she feels about me or what she wants in a relationship. I know what I want and I like her more and more as I get to know her. On our 4th date I asked her if she is dating anyone else and she said she did not want to answer this and said "we're not there yet." What does this mean? I assume it means that she is not ready to discuss a monogamous relationship yet. That's okay with me and I?m willing to take it slow, but my emotions are saying otherwise. Since it seemed she felt uncomfortable with it, I haven't pursued it further. But I really want to know what she thinks of me and our future. I can see a future with her (I have dated a few others since my separation) and I'm trying to do the right thing to move the relationship along. 
