|
Dear Janice, I read your article, The Last Word on *Commitment Phobia.* While I think you made so very good points, I can't help but wonder...How do you know if he is commitment phobic or I'm "just not the one"? I have been dating a man for the past year. I knew going into the relationship that he had not REALLY let himself get close to someone for the past 10 years. We knew each other pretty well prior to dating, so I think he worked on things a lot longer than he would have in the past. You describe "commitment phobic" and I thought, "yep, that sounds like him" and you describe looking for "perfectionism" and I thought, "sure, that too"...but I have always believed that when you find...the one...that "right" person you find away to work through and past the issues. Is it possible for someone to be this way for so long that the only way past it is professional help? I believe love is unconditional and as long as I saw that he was trying then, while I could I would too, but in the end it's a fine line between helping someone else and allowing myself to be pulled into an unhealthy situation. What do you think? Katy Before answering this question, I emailed Katy to find out the age of the man she was dating. She wrote back, " He is 34...has told 1 person he loved her...over 10 years ago--minor detail, they were in college and lived in different cities. Another relationship about 6 years ago, which he has described as having tried to convince himself she was the "one" because all his friends were getting married." This is important information to have in order to determine just how long he's been avoiding intimacy. But if you've been dating now for over a year, then you should be getting closer to becoming a committed couple; and if you're not, then you should be working together to identify the obstacles AND THEN figuring out ways to overcome them to keep the relationship moving forward. I know that was a mouthful, but I say it for a reason. . . .
|
|
Couples can become stranded in a type of "never-never land" if they just continue to hang out together without actively working towards creating a future together. When they hit a rough patch, it's easier to say, "I'm just not that into you," rather than take a cold hard look at which of your needs and/or requirements aren't being met, and figuring out if the person you're with can meet them or not. That's because love really isn't "unconditional." You can have love without conditions, but a committed relationship should be conditional on getting your needs and requirements met. Single males who are older than 34, usually 39 or 40 and over, have much more experience avoiding these types of intimate discussions. They'll instead point to some small imperfection to blame the relationship's failure on rather than engage in intimate conversations about feelings, needs, goals and dreams. I'm sure I'll get some flack from men over 40 for saying this, but I've found that if they are dating one woman after another and not making a commitment, they have problems with intimacy. I have heard many say, for example, "Well, I was in a relationship for 5 years, doesn't that prove anything?" My response is, "You're proud of that? You're saying that you're not afraid of commitment by saying that you were in a relationship that FAILED after 5 years? That only proves my point further." I recently ran into a single man around age 42 who I've known for about 3 years. It just so happens that I've had clients who have dated him, which he doesn't know. He said to me, "I think your articles will help people who have problems making a commitment." "How will it help you?" I asked. "But I don't have a problem with making a commitment." Now remember, I have firsthand knowledge that this guy has rejected woman after woman after woman. So I responded by saying, "Show me -- actions speak louder than words." So Katy, to continue answering your question in a round-about way, while it may be that it appears he's "just not that into you," you can't really know unless he's able to articulate which of his needs and requirements aren't being met. This requires tremendous introspection, as well as an ability to connect with another person on this deep level. I believe that if you're ready to say, "you're just not the one," you have to be able to articulate how come. It's possible that the reason is because of past issues creating current obstacles, and it might be that the "right" person will enable you find away to work through them, but that still requires a good mixture of maturity, introspection and verbal skills. If not, then I do suggest, on one level, coaching; and if that doesn't help, then I'd recommend psychotherapy.
|
Welcome !
