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 I'm always telling singles to ask questions of their dating partners as a way to tell if they're compatible. They should listen to what's being said and observe behaviors to help make an informed decision about a relationship's potential. High on the list of desirable qualities for both sexes is stability, and though I don't recommend doing this in the early stages of dating, the Wall Street Journal recently published the article Nine questions partners should ask each other before getting married by Jeff Opdyke in his "Love and Money" column (the link is only available to online subscribers, but if you want a copy of the article, send an email to me from the Contact Us page with your request.) In the article, Opdyke says that "in their rush down the aisle, couples often think that love will overcome any disagreements about saving and spending. It doesn't. . . . personal-finance silence eventually leads to frustration, fights and power struggles." So he suggests all newlyweds ask themselves and their partners these nine questions to get a better understanding of how you each view money -- and the role it will play in your relationship. Here are some excerpts -- 1. What are your financial assets and liabilities? This is the most basic question -- and the most difficult to discuss. Money remains such a taboo that people are disinclined to share how much they've saved, how much they earn or how much debt they've accumulated on credit cards, auto leases and such. They're even queasier asking a partner to divulge those details.
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2. How do you use debt? Once you know how much debt your partner-to-be has, take the next step and find out what type of debt. There's a big difference between $30,000 in school loans and $30,000 of credit-card debt. . . .Pay attention while dating, and you can begin to see telltale patterns. Maybe the love of your life uses a credit card for every purchase, even the $1 soda at the local mini-mart. Maybe your partner seems to be driving a more expensive car than he or she should be able to afford. Use those observations as entry points into discussions. 3. What is your money history? This is touchy-feely, but how you were raised and the money memories you have shape how you deal with finances in your relationship. Some people were raised in a permissive household, where kids were given money freely without having to earn it. Others come from homes where money was tight. Some grow up behaving exactly as their parents did; others behave exactly the opposite. The roots of these behaviors are rarely discussed, yet they define how you and your partner operate. In the classic example, a saver marries a spender, and then the couple clashes when the saver balks at how freely the spender throws money around. The spender, meanwhile, rebels at the apparent miserliness of the saver. Even worse, though, may be when each partner simply reinforces the negative habits of the other. 4. Do we need a prenup? This is, potentially, the most explosive question. The very utterance of "prenuptial agreement" can send one partner into paroxysms of fury, since a prenup often implies mistrust or a lack of faith in the relationship's survival. 5. What are your financial aspirations? This is the fun talk. This is about your individual and combined hopes and dreams: the college you want your kids to attend; the lake house you want to buy; the trips you want to take; the classic Corvette you want to restore. Saving enough to retire early to open a bistro or flower shop or to do pro bono work for a nonprofit. You may never attain all your dreams, and that's fine. This conversation, instead, aims to help you articulate your priorities and talk about how you'll ultimately fund those priorities together. This shows where common ground already exists, and where you need to start looking for it. 6. What are your career expectations? Do you expect you and your spouse will both work full-time throughout your marriage, each climbing the ladder to greater salaries? Do you expect to live off one income after a child is born? Both of you need to know what the other expects. Or else the day may arrive where one of you is saying, "But I thought we were both going to work," and the other is insisting, "But I thought you knew I was going to stay home with the kids!" (Stuff to talk about!) 7. How do you propose we divide financial duties? In many a marriage, one partner often takes the reins of the family's finances. The other is glad to let go. But sometimes it's not that simple. . .. [so] even when one spouse willingly cedes the money duties, that spouse must remain up to speed with the checking account, the credit cards and the investment and retirement money -- if only to prevent getting blindsided by a crisis. At the same time, the spouse in charge of those duties must make it a point to keep the other partner up-to-date, so that unspoken concerns don't grow into resentments. 8. Will we operate from one checkbook or three? Young couples often assume they must have a joint checking account to prove they're united. Older newlyweds, accustomed to managing their own money, often want individual accounts to retain their autonomy. Neither approach is necessarily wrong -- though neither is particularly right, either. Jumping into a joint account as newlyweds isn't always the smartest approach until you've had time to learn each other's financial habits. For instance, if one partner puts every purchase on a credit card, and the other uses only cash, the family's income may not stretch across the monthly paychecks -- especially if neither spouse keeps close track of how much they've spent. 9. Do you have a basic understanding of money? In money terms, that means understanding the basics of how checking accounts, credit cards and 401(k) plans work.
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