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Working with you definitely helped me get to the bottom line of what I want in a relationship, which is consideration, respect & communication. You helped me choose, in a conscious way, a relationship that helps me grow. Thank you!
-- Mona[Click here to read more]
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(Click here for Example #1.)Around 10 months ago I received an email from a divorced man I knew telling me about a dating situation he was experiencing with a women, a widow with a young child. While they got along well and had many things in common, she was left financially bereft by the death of her husband. My friend had been a highly successful businessman who himself had fallen on hard times prior to meeting the widow. While it made sense for the two of them to get engaged, the woman hesitated, putting a great deal of emphasis on the man's current unstable earnings; she didn't want to have to struggle financially, and wanted to stay home with her child and hopefully have more. I suggested that he read my article "Caught in a Trap" where I recommended to a man with unstable finances that he should still date with the goal of marriage, as he was ambitious and had known financial success in the past, major predictors for financial success in the future. He wrote me back, saying that he believed the woman to have a "deep-seated insecurity that can't be dealt with by telling her what the proper values are in choosing a mate. Her father abandoned the family when she was 3 yrs old. Now that she is widow with baby, and does not want to work, her insecurity on this is even greater. . . .She has no reason to believe in my viability as a breadwinner, even though you do." They continued to see each other but ultimately broke up over this exact issue after dating for about 8 months. Wondering what had happened, I recently received this email --"Just wanted to tell you that of course you were right about the widow I was dating so long . . . . I do have a good job now with _______. Didn't make any difference with her, it was a neurosis about money, not just her being 'practical.' (But I felt I had to play it out.)" Here are some insights to be gleaned from this example.
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1. If you sense that someone you're dating has a "deep seated insecurity" about anything that is vital to a relationship going forward, realize that you are not the cause of these feelings. Many issues and feelings can come up while dating which can either enhance and promote intimacy, or prohibit it. I say -- know what's yours and know what belongs to your dating partner. Find a way to get your dating partner into some type of psychotherapy to resolve the prohibitive feelings. 2. While it's reasonable and understandable for women to want to stay home to bear and raise children, it is frequently very difficult for families these days to survive on just one income. Men don't want to be judged exclusively based on their earning potential. So I suggest that if men are feeling that they are not enough, as a whole package, then they should move on to date women who are better able to do so. So while I'm sorry that this couple had to go through so much turmoil, it is still gratifying to be right!
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Posted by: Janice on Sunday, April 10, 2005 - 04:09 AM
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