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I think the work we did together, the encouragement, the advice and accountability you gave me has been incredible, wise & very valuable. I am going to continue using everything I learned in my future dating endeavors which will hopefully end soon when I get engaged :-) and married....
-- Jessie[Click here to read more]
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In "Chemistry & Consciousness - Part 1," I shared the definition of "love" as defined by the authors of The Death of Cupid. Love is "a deeply pleasurable emotion that grows out of identifying beauty, virtue and strength of character in another human being." I stated that in order to achieve this goal, one must be able to look deeply into another person to fully experience his or her inner beauty. Here, in part 2, I will describe the psychology of chemistry and consciousness, and reveal how you can channel what goes on in your head with what goes on in your body, so that you can find and nurture love in a lasting relationship.
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Given that love ". . . grows," would it make sense to expect that love should occur instantly? No, of course not. Problems arise, however, when singles confuse romantic love, the desire for instant chemistry and attraction, with the deep, lasting love that can only grow over time.
You will recall that when you feel attraction, hormones called monoamines are released into your system. Since monoamines are chemical cousins to amphetamines, this will cause your heart to race and your blood pressure to rise. Now add in the psychological factors, and the results can create even more blocks to experiencing love.
According to Harville Hendrix, PhD, the author of Getting the Love You Want and Keeping the Love You Find, the notion of romantic love is the height of unconsciousness. He claims that the expectation to "click" immediately with another person is actually the unconscious looking for a surrogate parent figure. If a single's main dating goal is to experience that "click," which is often called and confused with "chemistry," then s/he runs the risk of choosing someone like one or both parents, expecting that the partner then love them as the parent never did.
Consequently, unless singles are consciously aware of their unmet needs and wants, and have found ways to resolve them prior to searching for a life partner, then the unconscious recognition of the substitute parent will mislead them. And while buoyed up by hope and hormones, it will become more difficult to choose someone who is truly ready, willing and able to give and receive love.
This can mean that if you feel an "instant" attraction, or "chemistry," with someone, then you need to beware! It may be that either unresolved psychological issues are at play, or your sex hormones are looking for some instant gratification. But, alternatively, and more important, these feelings of chemistry can provide opportunities to consciously determine if your dating partner has what you want and need in order to build a lasting and gratifying relationship. By delaying the gratification of sex hormones, and working to identify ". . . beauty, virtue and strength of character in another human being," the relationship has the opportunity to develop a love of the lasting kind.
What does this all mean when it comes to dating? Well, I have, of course, a few suggestions. Firstly, it's important to know yourself, who you are and where you're headed in life (see my article "Know Yourself".) Be realistic about what you expect from a partner. Based on what I described a few paragraphs ago, recognize that people are influenced by the love and nurturing that they did, or did not, receive as a child. You see now how important it is to resolve any of these issues before searching for a life partner.
Secondly, recognize that there is a natural, biological basis to chemistry and attraction, and it will call out to you to gratify it. But, instead of going for instant gratification, use it to learn more about your dating partner to see if s/he has the enduring qualities that are necessary for a committed relationship. Experiencing chemistry with someone does not guarantee anything whatsoever in the future. However, the information that you gather in a conscious way while you're dating, and the decisions that you make when you are aware of your choices, THAT will help guide you to see a possible future together.
Thirdly, remember that growth takes time. Attraction, since it is biochemically based, can wax and wane. Use this information to help guide you through these forces of nature, to ask questions, to pay attention to the answers, and to make healthy decisions. If you were to take bets on what will last over time, the odds are on love over attraction any day.
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Posted by: Janice on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 12:41 AM
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