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Hi Janice, I'm looking for help with my 12 year relationship. We're having issues with my family, particularly the spouse of a cousin of mine. I'm from a small family but very close with this cousin. My significant other (we live together in my house) does not like my cousin's spouse, because he feels he's rude and disrespectful to him. He's never discussed his feelings with this person, but makes it known, to me, that he doesn't want him to visit. On the other hand, I have opened my home, arms, heart, etc. to my partner's two school age children, his mother, siblings, etc., making it very comfortable for them. How can we resolve this? Valerie Valerie, Putting up with difficult relatives is one of those things that should have been taught in Relationship School. Oh, there isn't a Relationship School? Oh well. Nonetheless, the amount of effort that it takes to deal with relatives differs from family to family, with each individual having different tolerance level.
I suggest that you have a conversation with your significant other to let him know your feelings about this situation. One of the first techniques taught in Relationship School (oops, I forgot!) is how to give someone negative feedback or bad news. It's called "giving a sandwich." A sandwich is made up of two pieces of bread with some kind of filling between them, right? So you start out the conversation by giving him a positive, then a negative, and then a positive. Here's an sample of how to do it:
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Bread/positive -- "You know Honey, I want to thank you for giving me so much joy, especially by bringing [his child's name] and [his child's name] into my life. We've worked so hard together to make sure that they feel welcome and loved." Filling/negative -- "However, I don't feel that you are reciprocating, especially when it comes to [cousin] and [her spouse]. Yes, I know he can be difficult at times, but your rejection of him is upsetting since you know how important it is for me to stay in contact with [cousin]." Bread/positive -- "Since you are such a strong, caring and tolerant man, could you please find a way to handle [cousin's spouse] when they come over for dinner next Saturday night? It would mean so much to me to be together with all of the people I love." I hope that it's as simple as letting your partner know what's important to you, and what he can do to make you happy. It's not unreasonable to ask a partner or spouse to put up with some difficult relatives, if it's not too often. If he's unable to reach beyond his own ego (i.e., is stubborn about having things his own way) then I suggest that you pay attention to this aspect of him. You have the choice to then accept it in your relationship, or not.
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Posted by: Janice on Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 03:50 AM
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