|
Working with you definitely helped me get to the bottom line of what I want in a relationship, which is consideration, respect & communication. You helped me choose, in a conscious way, a relationship that helps me grow. Thank you!
-- Mona[Click here to read more]
|
Main Menu
|
|
|
Online
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
Hi Janice, I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for just over a year. He is divorced after a 20 year marriage that went horribly awry (he lost absolutely everything and only gets to see his kids twice a year as they live in a different country). I recently moved in with him and let's just say we've had quite the period of adjustment...read: I moved into his cave and he's getting territorial, among other things. Sometimes he says he's not sure he wants to even be in a relationship, then he cries, changes his mind, and asks me not to leave. Is he really conflicted or is he holding onto me until someone else he's really into comes along? I myself am unsure if we are compatible. He says that he's "like a pilot light -- I never go out" thinking he's still a 20-year old party boy! Please help me. I think we truly love one another, and we both want to make it work, we just have a few hurdles in front of us and I'm not ready to give up! Thank you! Kelley
Dear Kelley, While you may or may not be compatible with your boyfriend, the real concern is if both of you are truly ready to be in, and take on the responsibility of, an exclusive committed relationship. ConsciousDating.org has a Relationship Readiness Quiz that might be helpful. In the meantime, I have a few additional insights and suggestions that I hope will be helpful for you.
Recovering from a break-up, such as a divorce (obviously), requires going through a process of grieving and mourning. Each person has to find their way to accepting the new reality of being apart, after dreaming, hoping and living about being together. The grieving and mourning process takes time, and is preferably accomplished alone. You can read what I wrote about break-ups in a previous Q&A.
|
|
Not knowing your boyfriend's situation specifically, I'd say that his confusion stems from not having completed a process of grieving and mourning. If he had spent sufficient time alone after his divorce, he would have learned how to tolerate being by himself, which would have helped him gain a better understanding of what he really requires, needs and wants in a new relationship.
BTW - when I say "alone," I don't mean by going into a cave and avoiding all interpersonal interactions. I actually encourage people going through a break-up to seek a support group and/or individual psychotherapy or counseling in order to be sure to grieve and mourn completely. And then take practice steps toward developing new relationships.
You can "truly love each other" Kelley, but by reading his behaviors, your instincts are telling you that he's not really able to fully commit to you. If his behavior is acceptable to you, and the "benefits" you receive far outweigh the "costs," then you have the choice to stay. If not, then I suggest that you give him the space to figure himself out.
|
|
|
|
|
Posted by: Janice on Friday, November 19, 2004 - 04:38 PM
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
