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Have you been looking for someone special to share your life with, but frustrated by your lack of results?
Are you tired of "going nowhere" dating, but don't know what to do differently to have a healthy relationship?
Relationships involve many big decisions that are frequently difficult to make on your own.
At DoctorLoveCoach.com, you will find expert information, support, and inspiration to help you successfully attain the relationship you've always wanted!
I invite you to explore my collection of Articles, Blogs, and Q's & A's, and join the discussion on the Message Boards. You can also find information about my Personal and Relationship coaching services, and the Teleclasses & Events and Products I offer to help you get your love right!
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Dear Janice, I don't know where to start. I travel a lot for business, but when I was on a job I meet this woman and we hit it off. But then I had to go to my next job, but we stayed in touch. When we first met she was single, but when I came back to her town to do another job I looked her up, we hung out and had a lot of fun getting to know each other more. She told me that she had to move back in with her EX. We still see each other whenever I'm in town but she tells me that she want to leave him but can't because she does not have anywhere to go. She tells me that she loves me and yes I do love her too. I just don't know what I should do. Should I gave up on her or not? Michael Hi Michael, The situation you are in with this woman is not as complicated as you may think. Basically, she is going out with you while still living with another man. I don't think it matters what she tells you about not having any other place to go. She's not truly available to be in a different relationship, i.e., with you, while she is still dependent on this other man.
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Posted by: Janice
on Saturday, June 20, 2009
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Janice, I just just started talking again to a guy I stopped dating four years ago. The reason we stopped talking is that I lived at home and I was not allowed to date. After that we both went our ways but still kept in touch. Last week we started taking online and he brought up the fact that he still liked me and wanted to know if I felt the same. Apperently he tried to ask me out several times in the past year and I thought he was trying to just hang out and be friends so I dismissed the clues. Anyways, our date last week went great and the one last night did too. He made dinner and we were supposed to watch a movie but instead spend hours just talking about us and past memories together, and cuddling. We kissed a lot. Afterwards he dropped me off at my apt. and came inside and we talked and cuddled and kissed til morning (there was no sex). We talked about future plans and where we saw each other. He plans on going to the armed forces and asked me if we could start dating and if I would go with him. He made sure to add that he wanted to travel and have kids, and always seemed to consider my opinions and said that he would always make sure that he it was a mutual decision. Yes, he made it clear, it was plans between us. But I'm confused why he made all these comments if this was just our second date in years. We are constantly texting and talking to each other and have a group date for friday. Anyways, I'm overwhelmed. I've been cheated on and lied to before and divorced once. I've had the biggest crush on this guy for the longest time. He has so many of the qualities of my ideal man and wants the same things I want. I'm scared that I've met another cheater/deceiver and he is just telling me to fish for answers that I want. How do I keep my feet on the ground ? Please Help!!! -Liz Dear Liz, Reconnecting with a past love or crush can be both pleasurable and challenging. Pleasurable because your dreams and hopes may finally be coming to fruition, but challenging because you want to be realistic. For you, there's the added element of being hurt in the past, so I can understand why you are being extra cautious. Being extra cautious doesn't mean, however, that you become paranoid, which I am afraid you are tending to do. So I'd like to direct you to find ways to manage your fears and stay in reality with this guy so that you can make good choices..
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Posted by: Janice
on Tuesday, June 02, 2009
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Me and my boyfriend have dated for about almost 5 years now. (We are both 21) Yes, we do fight here and there like other couples, but lately the problem of his mom has changed our relationship. From my perspective, she is the worst mother there ever was. Not only did she not put food on the table, she did not clean the house, didn't remember his birthday, and wasn't financially reliable to perform the duties of billing. In this matter, I DO NOT understand her actions and thoughts and this dislike soon became hatred after a while. Although she was always VERY dependent, after my boyfriend's dad passed away, it got EVEN WORSE. To the extent where, she would complain that we shouldn't keep the door open when we sleep because she was coughing and no one woke up to get her water. After a while, I couldnt stand her and moved out hoping that ignoring her would help solve the problem, but it didnt. You might think I am crazy but when I see her or hear her voice, my head would boil in anger. I am not making my boyfriend choose but he just says things like "I love you but I cant do anything about it, just get over it. Let's just please drop it" Only if it was that easy, I would, but I can't help but be angry with anything associated with her. At first I thought I was jealous, but I realized, it's more the fact that I believe even though she is his mom, her lack of love, support, and education toward him doesn't win her the attention she demands. (To explain, my own mother passed away when I was 6 so I do not understand the bond. But I feel like if I always had a cake for my birthday, which his mom never provided, then it's better off without one that continuously disappoints.) I REALLY dont know what to do. But I am tired of her sighing when me and my boyfriend goes out, in a way making us feel guilty that we aren't home with her. I have raised this issue with him to let him know that if this does lead to marriage, we are moving to another state, where we can only visit her once or twice a year, and he was ok with it. But who am I kidding? He will probably miss her and blame me for not being able to see his mom, or if he tries to send her money in the future, my head would boil again. My boyfriend convinces me that "everything will be ok, we will move out and not have to deal with her" but who are we kidding? Marrying him is marrying his mom also. And obviously his mom isn't going to change, and he can't do anything about it, so unless I accept her, I can't find any other solutions. Please help! Xena Dear Xena, From the description of your situation, I can very much understand the frustration and angry feelings that you are experiencing. You are also astute enough to realize that your boyfriend's mother is unlikely to change, so the challenge of making peace with the situation is yours. I suggest that you start by recognizing how your boyfriend is not angry with his mother for who she is or what she did (or didn't) do for him as his mother. He does not hold any grudges, which I say is admirable. I'd also have you note that he understands your feelings and your position also, even if he himself doesn't share them. This makes it all the more clearer that dealing with his mother is actually your issue, and not his.
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Posted by: Janice
on Saturday, May 23, 2009
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Hi Janice! My dilemma might sound common for a young adult like me, but I still need some reassurance on this problem that I'm having.
I've known this one guy for almost a year now and I'm really attracted and interested in him. He's really my type - smart, funny,independent.
And we always have great conversations together. He never fails to make me laugh and the best thing is that we have a lot in common. With that, I've gained more interest in him everytime we talk. I met him in college and he was on a foreign exchange students program. However, he has gone back to his country now. And God I miss him terribly. I always wait anxiously online, hoping that he would come online so we could talk! Sometimes I feel that he likes me too because he is very nice, in fact, he is the sweetest man I've ever met in my life. But, maybe it was just me. I don't know. The day before he left, I thought I wanted to tell him my feelings for him but I was afraid that it would end badly and I would feel guilty for the rest of my life. Sometimes I wish I told him so that I would feel relief! We are still in contact now, thank God! He told me he would come back to my country in few years time because of work. I really hope he will. I still have feelings for him, though he is a million miles away from me. He has no idea how I feel. So the question is, should I tell him how I feel about him through online or would that be just too pathetic? Honestly, I really don't mind long distance relationship, just as long I know we are in a relationship. I really like this guy. I don't think I will meet a guy as sweet as he is anytime soon. It's been 5 months since he's gone, and I still have feelings for him. I don't know if I can ever be over him :( I miss him! Linda Dear Linda, The most significant thing I hear from your question is the regret you feel for not telling this man your feelings when he was in this country. Regretting a missed opportunity is painful because you're always wondering "what if?" But it's 5 months later and you wonder what you should do because you feel the same now as you did back then. I think that in order to answer your question about whether or not to tell him your feelings, you have to identify the result you want to attain. You mentioned that you miss him. Would sharing your feelings with him help you to be in the same country any faster? You also mention that you wouldn't mind being in a long-distance relationship "as long as I know we are in a relationship." Is that really the kind of relationship that you want -- being far away, not knowing what he's doing each and every day or when you'd see each other again? And waht if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, even after you tell him how you feel? Then what?
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Posted by: Janice
on Thursday, May 21, 2009
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Dear Janice, I accompanied my father to consult with a surgeon because he needed surgery. During the initial visit he acted like a typical surgeon, aloof etc., but during the pre-op visit I noticed that he would just stare and stare at me and smile. I found myself returning the same. The surgery is over and I sent him a bouquet to thank him, and he called to thank me for the bouquet. We speak and flirt and I ask him if we can go out, and he says "asbsolutely that should be lots of fun, however we have to wait till I am finished treating your dad." I say fine. We see each other evey two months and we stare, smile and even take the appts as opportunities to get to know each other better. He gave me his cell number, but I have not called because I get the implicit feeling it's for when treatment is over which will be in June. My question is--will I have to call him to ask him out again or will he remember? There is an age difference of about 15 years however we are equally educated and I am extremely successful so I think it should be ok. What are your thoughts? Lonni Dear Lonni, This question is a good example of how singles can meet each other in the most normal, real situations that we encounter on a daily basis. While your relationship is "developing" in its own organic way, I do have some reactions and thoughts. The first thing you need to find out is if he is indeed single. While you know him professionally, you may not know if he is truly in the market for a relationship, or if he is interested in being friends and just taking you up on your offer to go out to lunch. Once you've cleared that up (that he's interested in more than just gonig out for a "thank-you" meal), then I don't see the age difference as being a problem, unless you find out that you really don't have much in common. So you have to ask questions and listen to the answers in order to determine if you share some of the same interests, values and life goals. And, of course, make sure he has the essential qualities of honesty, loyalty, generosity and caring.
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Posted by: Janice
on Friday, March 27, 2009
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Hi, I met a guy online. We talked online since October. He asked me for my phone number and he called me. He wanted to meet me. We live about 100 miles away from each other. I got a job offer in the town he lives in. I was planning on moving there on Feb.1. I am excited about the job and about being in the same town as him. We went on 2 dates in his town- once at a coffee shop and the other dinner. We really hit it off. We talked on the phone all thru the holidays. I thought everything was going well. He stopped responding to my emails and phone calls right after New Years. I know that he went to a New Years Ball. I thought he met someone else there. He finally sent me an email that said that he met someone but wants to be friends with me. I decided to read Janis Spindel's book about dating and realized - I probably should have kissed him on either of the 2 dates and that he may not know that I am really into him. I don't know how to tell him without coming across as pushy now. I know your advice would probably be to move on. But I am 36 and finally found what I thought was the one- I am just very picky. I would love to salvage what we had. He has only known the other girl 2 weeks. Please give me a strategy to try before this relationship unravels. Thanks I appreciate your help. I have good news and bad news to tell you about your "relationship" with this man. The bad news is that he's currently in another relationship and has put you in "the friend zone". . .for now. The good news is that you will be living in the same town, which can provide you with the potential to get together and get a current reading on how he feels. At this time, your "strategy" should be to find a way to let him know that you've moved to his town and that you'd like to re-connect, as friends.I agree with you that you have to avoid coming across as "pushy," so I suggest that you invite him to a house-warming party, where there will be other people. This would demonstrate to him that you respect his decision about not pursuing you in a romantic way. I think this is probably the best way to let him know that you're still interested in having him in your life, yet it would be up to him to decide to attend, or not.
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Posted by: Janice
on Thursday, January 22, 2009
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Hi Janice, I've been dating my finacee for almost 5 years and am generally very happy. However, he's very absentminded about cleaning up after himself around the house -- for example, he forgets to put the dog food away after he feeds it, doesn't replace toilet paper he finishes, leaves dirty plates out and pieces of food in the sink, or leaves the bathroom a mess after he shaves (hair all over the sink / floor). When I try to address these issues with him he says he feels like I'm a nag. I want him to be comfortable to live in his own home, but I also feel resentful that he can't clean up after himself in a basic manner. He also says he feels like he does do stuff around the house that I just don't notice and he doesn't feel the need to tell me when he does something like take out the trash. Not that I don't believe him, but I've never seen him take out the trash. I try to talk to him about this in a proactive way, and he'll come back at me at say something like, " I wish I was perfect too but I can't change who I am." Is there any middle ground? Am I being unreasonable? I'm just not able to feel relaxed in a dirty home, and don't know what else I can do to try and get him to change his behavior. I tell myself that b/c he's a great guy I shouldn't mind cleaning up extra (better than a cheater!), but even so it still bugs me. Any advice would be REALLY appreciated since things are not getting any better on this front. Thanks! Ali Hi Ali, I'm assuming from your letter that you are engaged and living together, right? When you made the decision to live together, did you have any conversations about how each of you wanted the home you would share to run? Did you share what was important to both of you and how you each would be in charge of certain household needs? From the tone of your letter, or shall I say -- from the tone of frustration that I get from your letter -- I don't think that you had any kind of meaningful discussions to see where you agree, and where you disagree, on how your shared home should run, and look. Consequently, you are living in chaos. Chaos results from a lack of planning and, especially, not identifying the goals you share for living together before getting married.
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Posted by: Janice
on Tuesday, December 30, 2008
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Dear Dr. Bennett, I am a 49 year-old single woman who has never been married. Last month, I began dating a widower whose spouse passed away a little over two years ago. From the beginning, Mr. B told me that he didn't want a committed relationship, just to date. He also conveyed that he knew he didn't want to get married again and felt that he couldn't love again. He was with his wife over thirty years. We talk on the phone each day for hours and see each other when we can. We have actually developed a friendship, but I am confused because he sometimes talks about meeting my family. And , in other instances, he feels he could love again. There is a shrine of his wife in one room and pictures of her throughout the house. And, he still wears his wedding band which bothers me when we go out in the public. This is my first time "dating" a man. I am usually in a one on one committed relationship. I really like Mr. B. but I feel a need to have a wall up and not allow myself to have feelings. He is a really nice guy, but he is still grieving. I understand this, but I am not sure if this is healthy for me. Please advise. I want to hang in there, but I don't want to date him for 3 years and still nothing develops. Please advise. Thanks, Jean Dear Jean, Given that women generally out-live men, it's no surprise that widowers are prime targets for older single women looking for a committed relationship. Social research has shown that men who had been happily married before are more likely marry again. I say this as a preface to my response in order to help you understand why Mr. B. says he thinks he "can love again" -- he's done it before and knows he can do it again. The million dollar question though is, "when?" The big issue, as you stated, comes down to timing. I suggest that you read previous Q's&A's How soon to date a widower? and How can I be patient with a widower? to get started. But needless to say, my best advice is to listen to what he says. If he said that he "didn't want a committed relationship, just to date," then you have to take him at his word. That's because psychological literature has found that the best way to predict someone's behavior is by listening to what they say. But this may be difficult for you, given the brief tidbits you told me about yourself.
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Posted by: Janice
on Monday, December 22, 2008
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I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and we are truly best friends. We spend a lot of time together and enjoy the same hobbies and have the same goals. I would describe our relationship as loving and kind toward each other. I took your quiz to evaluate a soulmate [which can be obtained by requesting it here] and on every area: intellectual, emotional, spiritual I felt we are at 10 (very compatible). But here comes the dilemma: I don't feel (and hadn't felt even when I met him) that sexual spark or whatever you would call it. I'm guessing that people call it chemistry. I do find him attractive. I feel fine kissing and hugging him but to be honest, I never have the fantasy or strong desire sexually. It's not a turnoff to be with him, I just don't feel passion (as it takes a little effort). You can say the spark isn't there. Now I know you're probably thinking, we shouldn't be together. And I understand it's not fair to him but I wonder if there's any possibility that anyone's been in this situation and feelings have changed? I'm sad to think we would have to give up a relationship as it so hard to find such a good, caring man and so compatible. However, I do miss that sexual passion. I admit I wanted the relationship to work so badly I may have convinced myself it's OK to give someone a chance even though the spark isn't exactly strong. I know the solution probably seems obvious but I would love some feedback. Thank you. S. I would suggest that you start by reading my previous article What is *Settling for Less*?" because I address how the decision to stay in a relationship requires negotiation and compromise . . . to a degree. So while a single (a woman in the article and in your case) may determine that a man is kind, generous and loyal, and very compatible, the experience of chemistry often trumps them all. That's because I see compromising on chemistry mostly as a function of a woman's self-esteem. What do I mean by this?
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Posted by: Janice
on Monday, November 10, 2008
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Past Articles
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- Wednesday, October 29
- How did my relationship with my girlfriend get so confusing?
- Wednesday, September 10
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- Tuesday, August 05
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- Friday, June 06
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- Sunday, March 09
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- Thursday, March 06
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- Friday, February 15
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- Sunday, January 20
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- Thursday, December 20
- What does he mean when he says he 'enjoys his bachelorhood'?
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